Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Divorced, But Not Done What should I do at this point?

I would ask her to go to counceling together. She would tell me that she didn't have the time...that she had to work alot. Funny, I juggled going to class, volunteered at my daughters school, went to work, worked out, researched for the divorce, went to DivorceCare group, went to Marriage counceling at the same church, went to church on Sundays, took care of the children over the weekend....I made the time. NO reason why she couldn't.

I would offer to go to another DivorceCare group near her mothers where she is staying at....She would make an excuse and say..."OH, I have plans next week OR I can't, I have to work".

I felt that I did everything humanly possible to save my marriage...and I felt that she didn't even blink for ours.

Cade,

I was in the same boat.....

My exW could have done any of the following to let me know there were issues:

Sent me an e-mail.....

Written me a note.......

Had BIL talk to me......

She simply chose not to communicate those with me... She assumed I was a mind reader..... It is impossible to know there are issues when you say in front of friends and family how great your M is and she never says anything contrary.......

In the end, I really think these WAS are just using a million and one excuses for blazing off.... They are just attempting to justify their actions...

NMD

HI Cade,

You say you were abusive to her - in what ways?

Does she feel that you fully understand the effect your words/actions had on her? Have you read any books on abuse?

It's late here and I need to get to bed but I'm truly interested to hear waht you have to say. Thanks for chiming in on my thread.

I know I was not innocent during my marriage and I would welcome the chance to hear more about what I did from my h. He however, doesn't want to hear or talk about the effects of his behaviour on me and that really puts a big block in my forgiveness of him. I am sure he is ashamed of it, but I really need to know that he understands how I felt when he threatened me that one and only time. Yes it was only once, but holy crap, he didn't really hold back.

Is it possible that your ex feels that she tried to tell you but you didn't listen? Maybe that's why she went straight for divorce. She may have done all her soul searching for months/years without you even realising it. Is that possible?

I only read as far as your initial post, so forgive me if this is repetitive.

Your doing part of what you need to do, staying friends with your ex, but that's not all of it. What are you doing for you? Are you working on having a good life without her in it? Doing your best to make friends and enjoy your life? It's okay...you're single. You can be friends with her, but she should also understand through your actions that you will continue to move forward with your life, up to and including seeing other people. You might not always have time to chat.

Purple,

Yes, I was an abuser. I understand know that I had very low self esteem.....later on that subjet.

I was always upset about something, and in turn, would take it out on her. I would criticize, belittle her for small things -
( i.e., having our children in flip flops...having morning breath...very small dumb stuff like that.

I would get so mad if I didn't get my way....I ended up physically harming her one time....

Then, I did not know any better. I grew up seeing this....thinking that men should act this way....a way to demostrate you are a man....NOW, I know that is not a man, but ONLY a bully. Growing up, I always admired the Knights of the round table - for their nobility, and intergrity.....This is the man I modile myself to be today, tomorrow - for me and for my children.

As I mentioned, this is what I saw growing up. I saw my father act this way toward my mother. My uncles act this way toward women...in general...this is how I perceived men should act toward women.

If it was not for my exW to file for divorce...I honestly would not have done a self discovery.

Okay, when you tell someone that is very fat the he should not eat junk food because he/she may have a heart attack....he/she won't listen. After he/she has a heart attack....he/she eventually understands and listens....WHY?...

For me, I didn't listen even though I heard her say she was going to leave me. I never took that seriously, until it happened. After she filed, I was devasted. Mainly, I hit a low point.

I wanted to get back with her....in the process....I researched what an abuser is....does....etc. I did my own discovery / research. I would google "Can an abuser change"...then from there I would research.

As for her feeling if I fully understand the effects my words / actions had on her OR to say the impact it had on her....I don't know other than I apologize every moment I have.....I feel she is tired of sorries....but I truly repent for my actions...If she doesn't want to hear it....then I will demostrate it with our children - Being the father they deserve, and the father I wanted to have and be.

As for your innocence...I can only say that you should seek counceling. Everyone plays a part....Find yours....meaning, you might be contributing to his actions - Meaning, you may ask him pressuring questions after he comes home from work - How about waiting after lunch or dinner, or after going for a walk. Then asking the question - will he respond differently? Who knows if you find other ways of interacting the produce positive results...

I do this when I speak with my exW - it has been working for me and for her. When she is angry, I tell myself, she has the right to be angry. I listen, then I tell myself she may have a point....then I ask her to clarify her point. If I am still disagreeable...I ask if I can think about it and get back to her another time....

As for her telling me many, many times - Yes she did, but I heard her, but didn't listen....and Yes, that is why she went straight for divorce. How do I know......she told me so.

Patience...Patience...

Today, I dropped off child support / daycare support cashier check. She waiting for me. We talked about how to deal with doctor appointment / soccer games....etc. I even asked about our relationship. I asked if she had any feeling for me.....she paused and said no. I told her that I still did - Why? I am getting to point that I don't want to bottle up anything anymore. If she knows, great. If she feels indifferent, well, we are already divorced. I know that I maybe contradicting myself considering I want to try again with her.....I guess I backslide at times....I even asked for her to meet me halfway....she responded with - "I don't know if you have changed", I replied "Meet me halfway, allow my to prove it to you"....and I left it at that...I left content with a feeling that I said what was in my heart - I know that I shouldn't have, but before I never communicated my feelings to her - a 180 for me.


Yes, she feels anger, resentment, all feelings that I put inside of her....this was my doing because of abuse. I see a change in her, a change that is very attractive, and appealing - the women that I knew she always was....the women that I held behind.

Sorry, Purple. I was an abuser. I loved my exW very much. I never meant to be the way I was. Never meant to treat her the way I did. She never deserved it - NO ONE DOES. If I had one more chance....I would make up for it....

So, Purple. If you love him, space herself from him to allow him to change. Stand firm and tell him - "Look, I love you, want to grow old with you, want us to see our grandchildren together; But the way we are both acting is causing us to grow distant and apart which I don't want to happen. Can we both go to a councelor together as a couple and as a family..."

something of that nature or so....someone in this relationship has to have a clear head and do what is the impossible to save it --- that right now is you.

Just remember....He is your friend, lover, husband, father of your children, and also.....human with faults.

Hello Phoenixdeux,

Yes, I am moving ahead. I am treating her as a friend. No I am not interested in seeing other people at this moment. I am more focused at centering myself. I am focusing on my character. I don't feel I need to be with someone. Do I want to be with someone - YES, but not now. Right now, if I met someone or see other people, it would lead to sex. It would be meaningless sex. Sure I have needs, but right now, that is the least of my concerns or focus. Yes, I have gone out with friends...to movies...mainly doing things I enjoy.....etc. Mainly, GAL.

Whether she is in it or not, I am GAL.

Hi Cade,

I understand your heart attack analogy. I to would not have done the soul searching, made the changes, etc. had I not come to such dire straits. I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder during marriage counseling.

Like you, I have done much to improve the behavior that caused her to want the D. Like you it has not done much to change my sitch. Finally, like you, I get to keep the positive changes that I have made in my life. Sometimes that is all you get. Don't make the mistake of thinking that is nothing.

Oh, I wasn't necessarily advocating that you start dating and sleeping around while still hung up on your wife, but she doesn't have to know that. It's more an attitude of "there are other fish in the sea", than actual practice of that.

Cade,

From reading your thread it sounds like you still are not completely detached and you still have jealously.

I've read where DB'rs discuss being friends to the WAS. I could not do that. I did not ask how she was doing, because I knew -- she was throwing all our lives into a tizzy so she could ride the midlife crisis rollercoaster. I could only be professional, respectful and courteous. When it came to the kids, it is all business.

Taking this professional detached tact and focussing on myself has helped me heal. It doesn't happen over night, and I'm still a work in progress.

You are doing all the right things (working out, hobbies, DivorceCare). Keep at them.

I know you say you talk with your ex like friends. Others may disagree, but I think you should limit your contact on a need-to basis. Kids, schedules, parenting.

For yourself, focus on kids, work, hobbies and bettering yourself.

HL

Hi Phoenixdeux,

Thanks for your response. I understand where you are comming from. Your right about the "still hung on your wife thing". I trying to detach, but even after divorce....it is very hard.

I guess, I am very hurt about the issue, and I can't seem to understand how a person can be with you for 13yrs and then say to you such things as "We never got along"......WHAT!? AND say such things as "I don't want to be with you anymore" before she filed, and follow up by saying "NO, I am not with anyone...and/or I am not with anyone".......WHAT THE F...CK!?

Everyday, I have a broken record in my head that says.......THIRTEEN YEARS.......

anyhow, I appreciate your response....I am sorry that I may have gone off on a tangent....just needed to vent. Thanks.