Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Separated 5 years.

I guess I've held off on "dating" or trying for a new relationship, because I didn't feel like I was over my marriage, and I didn't want to be unfair to any guy who got interested, ya know? I hated to bring that into a new relationship.

Yes I understand, but don't you notice that whenever you give up on someone or something, that's when they come around?

Look at it this way, either way you win.

I win, yes, maybe, but somebody loses. I get what you're saying about being unavailable to my husband makes me more desirable, I truly understand that.

Just not sure about using someone. But of course, I could end up liking the new guy better anyway.

Hi MP53, some good suggestions. You seem to have made a life apart from you H but are still in love with him.
Not sure I would start D proceedings or date(least not until you are single) UNTIL you have had a real heart to heart with your H.
xplain how you feel and that although you still want your marriage to work living as you both do is a sham and you need some commitment from him to work on your marriage or you need a clean break.
Do you ever go to his apartment and are you sure that he does not have a "partner" It could be he is leading a double life.
What is his relationship like with his children and how do they feel about the set-up?
5 years is along time for a man (and woman) to go without physical relationship.
Well done on all your activities. 25 years is a long time together it is worth one last attempt to sort the problem before making a final break.

Thank you naej.

I have only been to the apartment 3 times. Once I surprised him, early in the separation, by showing up and inviting him out for breakfast. We needed to discuss somethings about our daughter's college choice and financing. He offered to show me the apartment and then we went to brunch. I was friendly, but not overly so, and he was tearful. (By showing up I mean that I drove into town, and called him and told him I was going to get some brunch would he like to join me? I would never ever just show up at his door and start knocking on it.)

The second time was to bring some stuff over to him, and he was more friendly then, invited me up and we talked quite a bit.

The last time was when we told our daughter that we felt we could not afford to send her to Greece for the summer a second time. That was horrible. And at that point, the apartment did not feel lived in. There were no magazines about, nothing to indicate daily living. I thought then that maybe he was living with someone else.

I believe he has had partners through the separation, but I don't really know. I've never met them, he's never told me anything about them, I just noticed certain charges coming through on the joint checking account.

His relationship with the kids is very compartmentalized. They have never met anyone that he was "seeing" nor do they know much about his daily life. He calls them less frequently now than when he first left, but they are older too, and maybe adult children don't need to be in such close communication? I talk to them a couple of times a week, and I see my son weekly. My daughter stays with me when she is home from college, and sees her dad to go to Red Sox games with him. She used to stay with him from time to time when she worked for Starbucks, as she would have to be there at 5:30am and it was easier to walk there from his apartment than to take the train from the house into Boston. But she prefers not to stay with him. The apartment is very tiny and claustrophic.

My son was pretty angry with his dad for leaving, my daughter was only concerned that she continue to get to see him whenever she wanted. In the five years since he left, both kids have expressed to me that they have gotten used to the situation. And my son is not angry anymore, I don't think, but worries that he might lose his dad altogether.

Honestly, they are both at points in their lives where their focus is becoming independent and building their own way, as it should be. I think they would like to see us both happy. I've felt, since the beginning, that my biggest goal was to not make them choose sides, or to make them feel uncomfortable about their relationship with their father.

The rest is between them and their dad. They talk to me about it very little, and if they complain about something he has done, I tell them they need to speak with him about it, as that's the only way things will get better.

I don't know about having a "heart-felt" talk with him. I really don't know who he is anymore. I think I am holding on to what I thought we had. I do believe that love is a choice, and I believe his reasons for leaving were selfish and wrong, but those are my feelings. Obviously, he needed to do what he felt was necessary. We're both kind of bad at following through, and financially, it has been more comfortable to stay married rather than divorce.

I think I'm just trying to gear up for the last big hurdle, filing. Sad as I am that I am no longer what he wants out of life, I don't want to continue to be on a string for him.

Hi,

Sorry I wasn't more clear.

I don't think you should use someone either. I think you should value a people who value you. By holding on to someone who doesn't value you, you betray yourself and your own self-value.

I am suggesting that let go of H and date someone you like and see where it leads. If it turns out H suddenly values you and realizes what a fool he has been, you win.

It doesn't mean that you leave that person and run to H. You will then need to decide if you want to continue seeing this new man (perhaps you just started dating) or if you want to date both of them and not make a decision until you see where things lead with both.

(After all, H could turn around after you left the new date for him and leave again if it was just jealousy. You would have to be sure he was totally committed. And perhaps you would wind up liking and trusting the new man better.)

If it turns out he still needs to go his own way and date women other than you, but you move on and find someone who appreciates you--and you cherish them for it--then you win.

However, I think we are getting ahead of ourselves here, and I believe the excuse that you would not date someone new in case H came back is just a wall to prevent you from letting go of him.

But perhaps if you did you would meet the real man of your dreams, whether if turns out to be H redeemed and transformed, or someone else.

But right now, as you have devoted these 5 years of your Life to being loyal to a husband and marriage that no longer exists, you are being disloyal to yourself.

Five years is a long time. There are women I've met who spent the rest of their lives never getting back into a relationship or having sex or remarrying, for a man who left them long ago.

Don't be one of these. Live your life. Love again, with or without him.

Love someone worthy of your love. That is being loyal to yourself.

Tink

"But of course, I could end up liking the new guy better anyway. \:D"

For some reason, I just saw this part. lol Exactly!

You got it.

Tink

I would make sure I was truly over my H and divorced before I started dating...I toyed with this and it wasn't good because while I thought it would be easier to move on with my life if I was seeing someone, it really wasn't and I ended up with hurt feelings...my own and the other person...
It was much later that my H and I did reconcile...and at that time I was still realized that I was not totally over him and had not involved myself with anyone else...but I did GAL...
The point is that there is a LS for a reason...and then there is D for a reason...D is when you are OVER and ready for another relationship...until then it is best emotionally not involve others in your relationship because as long as your married that is what you would be doing...
Of course this is my opinion...but if marriage is sacred to you and you believe in your vows...until that marriage is NO MORE...you are in it

Lin

Hi MP53 - I just started reading your posts - I particuarly noticed when you said separated 5 years! I have been separated 2.5 years. I have the same questions as you - should I file, is it too late, should I date or not. Your posts about your H saying he will always care for you but doesn't love you the way you want, are almost the exact words out of my H's mouth. He supports me totally financially - I lost my job in Aug07, basically because I was too depressed to function. I appreciate the responses you are getting - it is helpful to me also. I'm thinking that maybe if I file, it will get his attention, but I really don't want a D!! So what do you do?
I have tried dating but it was so uncomfortable I hated it. And trying to think about having sex with someone else after 25 years of M (together 28) just about makes me sick. My H and I have had sex throughout our S, but haven't for about 10 months other than one time a few weeks ago, which was at my insistance. Talk about backsliding on the DBing!!
I think everyone is really an individual in what they feel is right for them. I agree wholeheartedly with the comment that marriage is a lifelong commitment - I feel exactly the same. I went through times when I didn't think I loved my S and I actually did have an EA, but I realized that I made a commitment to my H, the father of my children and I MADE THE CHOICE (exactly like you said) to fall back in love with the man I married. I get upset when I think about the fact that he wouldn't do the same for me!
I think you need to decide for you what is best - but I agree that I would not sit down for a heart-to-heart. Where would that get you but more of the same. I think GAL is the best way and it sounds like you have done alot of that, so maybe dating and filing some papers may be the next step.
I, like you, think I am holding on to an idealized notion of who or what my H is and he is not that person anymore. How very sad.
Keep posting - I'm watching what everyone says to you too - your story is so similar to me!

Hi Rusty,

There are two books I'd suggest checking out. One is "He's Just Not That Into You," and the other is "Why Men Marry Bitches."

Tink