Whilst you are in the 'blame game' mode I don't think either of you will make much progress...........and it's not good for your D either.
Why not write a list of pro's and cons for keeping your M and see what that looks like.
Your H doesn't sound that great about things and doesn't seem to be putting much effort in, but maybe he is trying to test your commitment to the R. It sounds like you both have a way to go if you really want to save this M. Placing blame is not the answer unless it is iin the manner of constructive criticism that can be well received..........and that doesn't seem the case at the moment. All you can do is work on you and see how it goes.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
How do I tell if he is the sort of person that I want to spend the rest of my life with without having worked on myself to maintain healthy boundaries first?
I'm still angry about his PA's. I'm angry that he comes back from o/s saying he's changed and that he'll never give up on us, yet when I tell him that I want to be on my own etc he accepts it on the surface but then calls me only a few days later crying and heartbroken that his previous g/f has now gone back to her husband. He even admitted to hedging his bets about me and her. I don't trust him. I don't feel like I'm worth the prize despite his words. I'm scared to try and talk to him about how I feel because I worry that it will get used against me in the future. I don't like the person that he is when he gets upset/angry/hurt. I find it hard to read him. I find it harder to act truthfully to my gut when he is in the picture. I walked on eggshells because I didn't want to rock the boat. Now that i recognise what I was doing in pushing my own needs way down, I'm angry that I did that for so long and worried about changing my MO and not being able to explain my change in behaviour (never mind the many backslides back to the way I was which creates mixed messages like you woulnd't believe).
I don't know if I love him. I'm fascinated by him but I dont' know if we can be healthy together.
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
Pros for saving my marriage -someone to grow old with -someone to share the bills with -a chance to really change the way I operate -he is gorgeous (in my eyes) -we are opposites and therefore have the potential to complement each others skills -our daughter -life is hard to do on your own -a chance to get to know him again properly -a chance to change myself and work with my gut instead of being co-dependant and putting myself last
Cons -really hard work if I stay -have a lot of issues to work through (lies, infidelity, disdain, trust, some physical violence) -maybe I would be better off with a clean break, workign on me and seeing where life takes me -I would have to take a major leap of faith to trust him again after he has lied to my face repeatedly in the past. There is no way to verify what he says any more without turning into a paranoid beyatch -he won't change jobs (his job is where these other relationships have started - even though all but one of these women are not there any more)
um....I'm not sure what else. I'm just trying to get the journalling flowing instead of keeping it all in my head where it swirls and eddies and disappears as soon as a realisation pops up.
btw Saffie...I used to be someone else on here but scarpered after I got flamed a little bit (i'm a sook). You used to post to me before. I don't really want to make the link between log ins, though if I say 'Morgan' that is a clue to a mutual poster.
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
I looked forward all week to the marketing night at dd's school. I rushed home and made cupcakes to help out for the supper. I get there with dd in tow and we can't go in because it's adults only (because there is wine). Not only was it humiliating because I was late and I think everyone saw me come in and then leave, but I went to the effort to make cakes, dd even told me she thought kids weren't allowed (which I poo pooed), and I think it must be getting close to that time of the month becuase I've just had a good cry. Add onto that I blew off h this afternoon when he suggested taking dd to the movies tonight becuase I already had plans. I Invited him to come to the marketing night but he wasn't interested.
So humiliating. The lady on the table and the principal both rushed out to say dd could sit in the library but that'd hardly be any fun for her would it?
I came home and scoured the newsletters I could find but found only one vague reference to it "being a night for adults". I feel such a d**k...both for not listening to dd and for feeling so upset about it (dd is feeling awful that I am sad too).
Ugh...my life sux. Pity party time. I'll be fine tomorrow....it just sux tonight.
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
More journalling from May 16 2008 to round out some of my thoughts for you dear reader....
....time heals all wounds. I don't want to waste time and wish it away because there's so many things I want to do but at the same time, I would dearly love to get to the place where I'm not looking around the house for what's out of place before he gets here, hiding my wine glass becuase I don't want him to make snide comments about me drinking 'his' wine, and wondering if he's going to just drop her off and take off again (desirable) or whether he'll come in and want to know 'what's going on' because I've suddenly turned cold on him. I haven't been able to disentangle myself slowly and healthily from him so it's going to have to be like a band aid and hurt. I'm sorry h. I'm sorry I've taken so long to make up my mind. Now I just need to build the strength to be able to tell him to his face and get out the bits that need to be said and keep the bits that he can use to hurt me with wrapped up tight.
I think he still loves me. I think he always will. I just can't be myself (or who I think I might be - I'm trying to work it out) when I'm with him because I see his reactions to my actions as disapproval, superior etc 99% of the time. He might not mean to come across that way, but that's the way I interpret his comments and reactions. I don't know if I love him any more...I have to love myself first, I don't think I ever worked that part out before and as a result this has not been a healthy relationship for some time -perhaps even always. *sigh* I'm sorry h.
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
Today I took d7 to gymnastics, then came home, we had a snack. Her bestie (best friend) called to ask if d could come over to play. I said yes but said it wouldn't be for long because she was going with her dad soon. I took the opportunity to go grocery shopping and had a quick look at external hard drives (I need one for my music and photos). Got home, half unpacked the shopping when h called to say he was on his way. I went and got dd and met h back at home. He picked her up at about 2.30pm having come straight from training. He asked if it was okay to have a shower, I said 'yup'.
He didn't talk to me much other than when I asked if he was leaving straight away after his shower he said "Why? What is there that I should stay for?" (or something similar). I said I just wanted to know because while we were waiting for him to get out of the shower I asked d7 to do a little job for me (for payment) that she was only half way through. I gave him some freebies that I had gotten from a work function (golf balls etc), then they left.
I have spent most of the time today when I wasn't doing housework on the DB website looking for people that are in similar situations.
Is it sad that I listened to whitney Houston's and Tom Jones whilst doing the mopping? I have a bit of a CD addiction at the moment and have been buying CDs a lot. h took most of the CDs after a particularly emotional drama last November adn still hasn't brought them back even though he keeps saying he will after he has finished copying them. I think he doesn't want to bring them back because he thinks I won't let him take them again. It hurts to not have my music.
anyway...I just called d7 to say goodnight on h's mobile and she answered (I usually don't call when she is with him because I don't want to distract her time from him but I'm trying this as a 180). I asked to speak to h and confirmed pick up time at 1pm tomorrow and asked if he was okay. I then asked if he wanted me to ring him later and he said "If you want, it's up to you". Yay...so enthusiastic....I'm nervous too buddy! I don't want to fight, but I don't know what to talk about. He's not much of a talker, more a lover, but at this point in our (non) relationship that's not working for me (the loving/sex part that is).
Should I post a timeline of my sitch? It'll be pretty long and gory and I don't really want to have ppl focus too much on the past but I'm still so angry and hurt about it that I need to deal with it but don't know how. I have changed the sheets on d's bed and my sheets are in the drier...love clean sheets, mmmmm. I swept and mopped the floor (I haven't done it in weeks!!)
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
Well I just tried to call h but no answer. I didn't bother leaving a message. He's probably fallen asleep after putting d7 to bed. I did the same last night with her. I guess I'm nervous about talking to him. He doesn't do small talk at all, it's always "what do you want?" and I get antsy and start babbling which I'm pretty sure he hates. I just want to chat about life in general, funny things we saw that day etc.
Well I'd better go make my bed. Silence is deafening in here!
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
Help! I just got a text from h. It was in reply to one I sent him this morning.
My text(s) this morning were: My First text: "Scared text to follow. Hope its not too confusing. P"
My second text which immediately followed the first: "Is there a middle ground for us between fighting, not talking, me running away, etc. and the other extreme of having sex, expectations, confusion, etc.? What I am doing now is shutting myself off completely from you which is safer for me but not healthy in the long run. I'm scared. I want to ask for you to be okay with baby steps and allow me to feel safe to retreat when I get scared or confused and not use my fears against me later.."
His reply 12 hours later: "Purple, I have changed significantly in the last 2 months and although I sometimes slip, those changes are still there. I have tried to cultivate something between us these last 3 or so weeks and have felt pushed away on most occasions. You now say you are shutting off completely. Ok you can run away...again. You can retreat with your dignity. Allow me to do the same. There is only so much rejection/emotional unavailability that I can take. I believe I've reached that limit. Lets just move on now and do the best we can for d7 and for ourselves."
Faaark....just great. I was aiming for a way to be able to talk about what I feel and why I'm scared and not trusting and suspicious of his changes. Instead, he's taken offense. See what I mean? We just can't talk straight to each other. God...this is just too hard.
the man just doesn't understand where I am coming from.
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
