How painful to shed so many tears. Do you feel it helped renewal? When I did yoga that one time and started crying, the teacher told me my body was releasing hurt, releasing bad memories.
I haven't been able to cry like that.. except after the birth of my second son where I cried non stop for 24 hours. I had a wet towel in one hand to cool off my face and another one to pat it dry. Goodness, my ribs were in incredible pain afterwards for days.
*hugs*
Hey Ms Gypsy K, hugs for your tears,
I didn't cry from the age of about 8 until about 24. I didn't know there was anything different about me. Until, one day I was making a commercial, standing around with hundreds of other people. The Challenger exploded. Everyone around me was touched in some way. I wasn't. I was cold, numb. I thought "I didn't know them, why would I care". That was the day I knew there was something really wrong with me.
Then, for years, I said, "if I ever start crying (for me) I'll never stop". So, I blocked the tears.
When the tears finally came, there were many times that I wondered if I'd ever stop. It was tremendously painful, at the time, body wracking painful. Those were the times I just wanted to go to sleep & not wake up. I wouldn't hurt myself, but if a meteor was going to hit the earth I wouldn't have minded if it hit me. Know what I mean.
But, in the long run, looking back on it now, it was healing. All those tears I never shed as a child. All that sorrow. All that pain. It had to be released. I couldn't keep swallowing it all. Choking it down. It was poisoning me & my marriage. Somehow, someway, I was able to distance it from my children. I ask my C all the time, how could I raise these amazing kids, when I was so lost myself. He said, "that love comes from a different place in the heart". I liked that answer.
It's really surreal at times. I never knew I could feel this peaceful. I never knew I could sleep this good. I never knew I could feel this safe.
There's a song by Rascall Flatts, "Moving On" It's been my theme song for about a year now. Here's the lyrics;
"""I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons Finally content with a past I regret I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness For once I'm at peace with myself I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long I'm movin' on
I've lived in this place and I know all the faces Each one is different but they're always the same They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it They'll never allow me to change But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone There comes a time in everyone's life When all you can see are the years passing by And I have made up my mind that those days are gone
I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't Stopped to fill up on my way out of town I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't I had to lose everything to find out Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road I'm movin' on"""
It seems to fit me still.
hugs sweetie
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Cookie...i think alot of us are in that boat.... i have a lot of clarity on this now....i'm just realizing how little my needs were met in my M and how little i met my W's needs. It's not that we didn't show each other love...we did....just in the way we wanted it showed to US....
a simple miscommunication.
that's what makes things so frustrating for some of us.
I agree completely.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Thanks for the hugs. I'm so touched that you chose me to share this with.
I can't imagine what those 7 days must have been like for you. Where was she ?
I understand her twisting stuff. Survivors of abuse paint things to cope & manage the best they can. I'm really proud of you keeping it cool & no loud voice, that is HUGE. Did you imagine you were wearing a raincoat ??
I don't think she's "playing" you. I think she's trying to figure things out. Depending on the circumstances surrounding the abuse, who it was, how long it went on, if they were punished.....those all affect how her 13 year old brain sees things. (when people are abused, part of their brain development stops at that age, & doesn't realize time has passed). Doesn't filing for divorce out of spite sound like a ridiculous 13 yr old thing to do ? skipping ?
How long did she go to C for ?
I hear you when you say that you've tried hard. I can't imagine how hard it is to live with someone who was so affected by another person so long ago, yet here it is screwing up your marriage. My H finally talked in C last week about being so frustrated that he did nothing, yet the effects of the abuse is in our bedrom.
Look for two different behaviors....one, her being comfortable being a victim, that means you must take the role of abuser (in her mind, not in reality). two, is she re-abusing you to "get you before you get her"?
Are you in C now ?
Take care of yourself. Don't get sucked into her perception of reality. But, don't try to talk her out of her perception either. We've already spent most of our lifetime pretending things were fine when they weren't. Someone trying to convince us now that things are different is crazy making for us.
Hugs.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Your path of self awareness continues to give you the ability to turn yourself inside out and to step back and reflect on the inner you, what demons you have and are dealing with but now in a much more positive manner be proud of yourself for giving yourself that gift. The more you understand yourself the more you are able to give your R & to H which enables him to give more to you what a gift!!
"is she re-abusing you to "get you before you get her"?"
I can't tell you how over the years I have felt this way. That statement sums it up. Which was the key for me to start building walls of resentment from W 'controlling me' she was always waiting for the other shoe to drop so she could prove to herself that I was no different then any other man that has been in her life. I have told her over the years it felt like I was having to 'pay' for everyone elses mistakes and treatment of her and it wasn't fair, she would get so angry when I would say that, truth hurts sometimes?
Continue to grow on your path of self awareness...
I realize now I have to go back and read all your stuff! I need to understand where your feelings were coming from, and what it took for you to turn them around. You are not my W, and there are a lot of differences, but there's some similarity behind it all, too.
Mrs. cookie, you are a spectacular human being -- incredible beauty radiates from you (both inside and out).
HUGS to you. I hope you're having a happy weekend.
Love, love, love, R.
P.S. My husband is stoic, because that is his "way" - he hasn't cried since he was 4 years old. His mom is terminally ill and he loves her more than anything in this world, yet he says he has come to terms with her impending death and doesn't need to express his emotions. I feel so bad for him, but it may be the way of the traditional Asian man? He's the only one I've ever known, so I have no others to compare. He was raised in a developing country (in third world conditions when he was very young) and he had to deal with a lot of harrasment from the Muslim community. I think he learned how to put up protective walls at a very early age as a means of survival and he's simply unwilling to change. He's a good man. I miss the old him so much.
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
HUGE FIGHT !!!!! Same sh*t different day. No matter how I say things he hears "I'm a f*ck up" & yet he doesn't think he needs C. I can't do this anymore. I don't want to. I'm so tired.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
then; when I went to the kitchen to get myself anything to eat or drink, I'd offer him some of the same. When he went to the kitchen to get himself something he wouldn't offer.
We talked about this numerous times. Yet back in March, one night he forgot to offer me rice pudding. I'm sitting right there next to him, he goes to the kitchen, gets a bowl of pudding, & comes back & starts to eat it in front of me. I got pissed. Am I invisible ???
now;
he offers to get me something.
or, even better;
I say "oh, that looks good, would you please get me some".
I don't have to feel that it's a slight on his part, not to offer me something. I don't have to feel like a victim.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
