When my h made a turn around and was trying to salvage a relationship between us he was in my face every day. I felt myself slipping back into the dynamic that got us into trouble. He has a strong personality. I would feel guilty and anxious if I tried to back off and assert what I wanted from him which was respect, acknowledgement and understanding. I felt suffocated and trapped and losing myself again. So I did the only thing I could think of doing...avoiding him. Now he's majorly p1ssed at me for not being considerate enough to tell him I was backing off. Yeah rite, like that would have gone down well.
anyway, what I am trying to say is back off! Otherwise she will crack it at you sooner or later. You are just applying pressure and it won't end well unless you change what you are doing.
Your everyday interaction SHOULD be an opportunity to be nice to her. You are NOT being nice to her! I have been reading your sitch for a while now and I see attention seeking behaviour, poopy little boy behaviour, arrogant behaviour (ie I'm a better parent than you), rubbing her nose in it behaviour, need I go on? Now, if I hadn't seen posts like you praying to fix your marriage etc, I would say that this I am reading about a man who would rather win than reconcile with his wife.
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
No that I don't want to win. I want her to accept some responsiblity for our failed marriage. Yes I do think I'm still telling her its your rules and you don't follow your own rules. Look if I would have texted back and said I'm at a friends I'm staying longer when the kids were whining for me, all hell would have broke loose. It's always been that way. Her way or the highway.
Last night was bad anyways. As soon as she came in the door after midnight I said to her. If you are going to shut me out of your life then you can go to the laundry mat. She rolls her eyes. I said do me a favor and don't even call me or text me tomorrow, because I can deal with out the head trip. The kids tell me your parents are having a party and you can't even invite me to get something to eat. Stop shutting me out of your life. Then I tell her I want a more permanent schedule and I explain that she isn't on her own. I am paying for the car. I am paying for her car insurance. I am paying for your healthcare. Go to the laundrymat. Well then I'll just file for child support, and I'll rake you through the coals. I said please go right ahead.
Then I loaded the kids bikes into the back of the explorer. She puts it into gear. I said please just run me over with a truck this time, because you are already ran me over.
Really I felt like destroying that truck. I continue to let her push my buttons.
For some odd reason right before she came. The b girl texted me and had computer questions. I helped her. So after this episode with her. I called the B girl and her and I talked for about an hour. I asked her. Be honest with me is there someone else in her life. She said no there isn't. She said she didn't have the answers only my wife did. I said I know that. She doesn't even talk to me about you guys. I said ok. She said one thing that rang out though. She said she stuck up for me and said that she believes my changes are pemenant and told my wife that. My wife is still doubting.
Maybe there is hope... If I could only control my damn emotions and not let her mess with my head.
Look I don't want to win. I want my wife back. I just want her to say to me. I'm coming home.
I was just talking with my cousin again today. He told me yesterday that all he wanted was for his wife to come home and now that she is he wants her to leave again. I guess he wife came home and is still acting like a holy terror. He said what did I expect. I said buddy you expected a new woman and she isn't one yet.
Well we said some other things. Things that should have been between him and I. Turns out she read our text on his phone and flipped out on him. So that isn't going to help his sitch. I was like you are such a dummy for not deleting them. He said I didn't think the sneaky b would read my phone. She is the cheater not me.
Man the whole thing is one giant nightmare. I'm so overwhelmed with house work, yard work, school, kids, wife in la la land.
I have been following your sitch, but haven't yet jumped in because you are getting such great input.
Sigh. Don't you wish you could take back last night? Seems like everything that happened was because you were running on emotion. Phil, you have to learn to swallow all of that emotion and treat your wife as a friend. I know you say, "yes, but, she isn't treating me as one," but Phil, you are the one fighting here. You decided you want to be married. You only have control over you right now. Let's continue to work on that and maybe the rest will fall into place.
A few posts ago you were telling Ian to stop talking about schedules because they were not possible and that you wanted to see your kids daily. So, what happened last night when you blurted it out to her? It seems as though you wanted to hurt her with that. You felt hurt over not being included in July 4th plans, so you struck back. No laundry, we need a schedule.
If you honestly decided that a schedule is a good idea (and it is!) then I believe this could have been approached in a nice way. Not the hand-slapping way you chose.
Phil, I am not getting on you here. I have done so many things out of emotion and because of misunderstandings! The thing is, the more you do these things, the more there is to un-do...if you get that opportunity, that is. You may end up driving her further away.
I totally understand wanting to be around her so she can see your changes. I am guilty of that with my H, too. But, pushing your way in is not going to score you any points, even if the time you do it ends up o.k. I do that, then convince myself that the pushing is the right thing because it worked out that time. However, the next time it doesn't work out, guess where you are? Yep- "You don't listen to me!" "You are always pushing for more!" Then you have so much more to undo.
Look at what you said to your cousin:
Quote:
He said what did I expect. I said buddy you expected a new woman and she isn't one yet.
Listen to yourself, Phil! Either is yours!
Quote:
Look I don't want to win. I want my wife back. I just want her to say to me. I'm coming home.
Phil, you are expecting a new woman and she isn't one yet. And, don't blame her for this. You are not a new Phil yet, either. It takes time. And space!
Take care. I know how hard this is. You are down now, but you will bounce back up again. Phil, just learn to walk away when your emotions get to be too much. There are no magic words that are going to fix things at this point. It is all about time...and action. So, limit the words for now. There will be plenty of time for those later on.
I want her to accept some responsiblity for our failed marriage.
Someday, perhaps.
Originally Posted By: LostPhil
Yes I do think I'm still telling her its your rules...
More "telling her". How's that working for you?
Originally Posted By: LostPhil
Last night was bad anyways. As soon as she came in the door after midnight I said to her. If you are going to shut me out of your life then you can go to the laundry mat. She rolls her eyes.
And you were expecting a hug?
Originally Posted By: LostPhil
Stop shutting me out of your life. Then I tell her I want a more permanent schedule and I explain that she isn't on her own.
More telling.
Phil, you are not wrong to feel the way you do. Bet the way you are expressing it to her is not going to work right now. The other thing you have to accept is that she is not wrong to FEEL the way she does. Some of her actions are inappropriate, yes. Her feeling may be based on things that have changed, or never existed. But, her feelings cannot be wrong. As long as you argue with her on that point, you are not going to get anywhere, no matter how else you change, or what else you do.
I'm starting to think you guys are all deranged. Let her feel the way she does. You can't change her feelings. Her feelings can not be wrong. She buried her love feelings for you. You have to change for her to get those feelings back. Here is the other classic one. I don't know if I could have those feelings back for you any more.
What about the moral implication? Feelings... What about my feelings. What about my children's feelings. Why is it that everyone has to act on their feelings. Feelings... Give me a damn break.
What about the feelings the day we got married. The promise to one another in sickness and health and all that other rubish that goes along with it. No where did it say in your feelings I should let you do what you want.
Feelings my a$$... are we acting on feelings or are we acting on free will?
When you act on your feelings that cause harm to others because of shelfishness than how are you going to look at the Father Above when it comes time.
What about the feelings and cofusion of the children involved. I don't love you no more, because I didn't send you the right messages. You didn't listen to me. You didn't validate my feelings.
You want someone to validate your feelings you get a puppy.
Now all day she hasn't tried to communicate with me once. I at least have the kids call her when I have them.
Oh that's right I told her not to call me today. She listens to only what she wants to listen too. The rest she acts on feelings.
Really, someone anyone just needs to throw a bucket of water on my wife. PLEASE!
