Thanks, Jeanette, and Purple! (Don't think I've met you Purple, I will go read about you!)
Phil,
For a lot of people I recommend a nice clean sock to stuff in their mouth when they get ready to talk. For you, I'm thinking epoxy between your upper and lower teeth, and super glue on the lips MIGHT do the trick.
Listen a lot more, and talk a lot less. Any time you TELL her anything you are not only wasting your breath, you are making things worse. You don't have to agree with her to validate her feelings.
Jeanette. Wow I'm glad you are ok. Didn't I mention today there was a three car pile up behind me.
I think tonight was just about me getting stuff off my chest. Things she always said to me about the kids. You would rather be with your little buddy Josh then be with the kids. Etc...
You know it is funny but she said she didn't plan to be out that late it just happened. hmmm pretty funny same here, but I was demonized for it.
I know it doesn't matter. I'm trying to reason with someone that just isn't reasonable.
Tonight I went out and drank virgin mary's. It is pitiful out there in the bar scene. One girl for every ten to twenty guys and the girls are just tramps with attitudes. They know it. They know they could have any guy they want and they don't want any of them.
Well I must say I should be looking on the bright side. At least my wife wasn't in a club till 3 AM tonight. She hangs with 16 year olds. Maybe I'm better off.
I'm doing better. My mind stop racing. I don't feel down. I don't think about her like I used too. You know in a way she is becomming unattractive. Then I just start thinking in some ways it is good she is gone. No one there b|tching about every little thing.
I really appreciate all you people setting me straight.
You know in a way I thing getting all this out on her now may help reconcilation if it ever happens.
You know I still think she is just trying to give me a lesson. There were times I stayed out shooting till 11 and the kids would cry for me. You know the kids should have been in bed too. She created this stay up late monster stuff. I fear it is only going to get worse. There is no schedule. All summer she is going to be working nights till 12.
She did this, she did that, she, she, she, she.......
Lets back up, though. When you were out shooting til 11, were you at home a bedtime for the kids?
It feels to me like you are still looking at all of her faults, and not looking at what you can do to make yourself better. Which one of you can you control?
Hey Phil, I thought maybe we could change subject a bit and talk about your kids a little today.
In the midst of all the craziness in your life I have seen a pattern of inconsistancy for the children.
I am wondering why it is that you have not set a firm schedule for your kids? While separation is going on your children need some structure in their lives.
You and the W seem to do a lot of swapping when it is handy for each of you rather than a set time with the kids.
She wanted this separation and sometimes it is beneficial to give them a glimpse of what divorce would mean. Maybe it is time for you to propose a parenting plan with structured times for your children to be with you and with her.
My concern is that the more y'all do this flip flop back and forth, hour here, hour there stuff, the more messed up your kids are going to be. If your kids know that on these days they are with dad, and the other days they are with mom, it sure would make their lives better structured and easier to manage.
Not for nothing but switching your D out after midnight is a little crazy and unstable. Not for you and wife, for D.
So rather than talk of filing, how about maybe starting to actually show her what Divorce would look like and see if it is what she really wants.
And yes, I have a hand sander, and yes I was on my hands and knees and yes it was time consuming but I loved every minute of it!
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Just like my wife. No maybe you are my wife. She did two floors by hand using a palm, and orbital sander. On her hands and knee's. Took her forever! Because she couldn't wait. When she was half way into it. She said could you help me I'm not as strong as you and can't scrape like you can.
Sounds like me......I was excited to get it started and had some free time. And.. I didn't want to rent one from Home Depot for $80 a day.
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I said no way woman, you got yourself into the mess, you can get yourself out of the mess. See I asked you to wait. Because I told you my buddy would come over in the spring and we could sand both rooms in 4 hours. I have my own projects to do, thank you.
Sounds like my old Husband.....
Which totally sucked....
Which made me resent him....
Which made me feel like a naughty child...
Which made me withdraw....
Which made me withold sex....
Which made me regret everything nice I ever did.......
The list goes on....
Are you getting what I am saying here????
How would you handle that situation now?
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Well lets just say what is good for the goose is good for the gander.
Yeah BND I get what you are saying. I would have handled it the same way. I also gave her incrediable praise for doing such a fine job on the floors, but I also had to put up with a miserable impatient wife with blisters on her knee's, a sore back, and a tennis elbows. Hence the withold on sex.
I thought is was a softening process because she saw all the hard work I was doing and what it was doing to my body. Constantly hurting my back, overworking, etc...
Ian, She will not even talk to me so how am I suppose to set a schedule. I would love a schedule, but trust me her work schedule doesn't permit that.
Set a schedule and see what divorce looks like, and see if she really wants it.
I don't know last night was the first night my imagination of another man is even more possible. Then when she showed up dressed like she was it further instills that imagination. She texted I'm at a friends house, can I stay longer. Asking daughter.
Dryheat, btw, yes I was at home at bedtime with the kids when I went out shooting. My kids stay up way too late, because she always let them. Then they would get her to her wits end at the end of the night and ask me to start discipline. When I would start disciplining then she would say oh leave them alone they are alright. I call it the big eraser syndrome.
I want you to do something or fix something, but I do not want to do it at my expense so that I look like a bad person. I want you to handle it. Then DAM handles situation and she doesn't like the outcome. You shouldn't have done that.
I had some really bad dreams last night about her being with another man. I have no hope. I clutched my rosary the entire night and everytime I woke up I would say the Our Father. I'm not sure I can continue to put up with this madness. I just do not deserve to be treated this way.
Ian, She will not even talk to me so how am I suppose to set a schedule. I would love a schedule, but trust me her work schedule doesn't permit that.
That's not true Phil, a parenting plan can always be developed. Come up with one you believe to be fair and email it to her.
Quit making excuses and instead try and get something done. This is for your kids so her schedule, is meaningless. Figure out what your kids NEEDS are and implement a plan to make them fulfilled.
You and her....One issue....
The affects on your childrens day to day routine....more important right now.
Really she doesn't use email. Ok just really kill it about the schedule. Its screwed up. Did you hear what I said the last 300 post ago. I want to see my kids everyday. OK. Plus our everyday interaction gives me an opportunity to be nice to her. Lets her see that the house isn't falling about with out her, but in some ways it is.
dryheat, I know its not going to get me anywhere. The goose and the gander. I said maybe it might help in the reconcilation process if that ever occurs. I think maybe the blame game will not be in the process of reconcilation. In retrospect if you think about it now we are in the process of reconcilation we are just apart. I want to get you back for this or that.
Journaling:
Anyway I was working on that door. I have three hours into it and it still isn't done. It only took her a half a minute to yank it off the hinges and throw it out the back french doors before the deck was put on.
Well she texted me at 4. When do you want the kids. I wait ten mintures and I text back 16 hours ago. Now.
She drops them off at 4:30. Looking like a sex kitten again. This time she was dressed conservative. The kids came in and she was ringing the doorbell like crazy and just came in. She said where is daddy to the kids. My daughter said he is working on putting on my bedroom door. Oh really. She said.
Then she walks out. I said I thought you worked at 5:45. She says she does and is in a hurry and has to (catches her self.) still have to go home and get ready.
So I just go back to my door. Then I see her bringing in a laundry basket. She brings it in and says your son had an accident 1 hour into sleeping. She was outside now. I said you mean our son. She says no, when he does that kind of stuff he is your son. I give her the one minute sign and I walk toward the car. I said really he does so well here, and he didn't drink anything since 8:30. I said well you will figure it out, I know it is challenging. She in frantic mode like she is running late. I said ok, I'll talk to you later.
Man, I just can't take it. I went in the room and just got my knee's prayed and cried. I mean I had to force myself out of bed today.
Now the kids are here and they have an attention span of about 5 seconds. They need this, they need that. They can't do anything for themselves because there mother waited on them hand and foot.
I think I'm looking at a few more hours just to fit that blank door in an old frame. The center of the frame is bowed. Looks like I have to do a lot of chiseling just like I had to do the last door. I bet I had 20 hours in that last door, and it still isn't perfect.
But all I can think of in my head is how my wife always said I was so lazy.
Plus our everyday interaction gives me an opportunity to be nice to her
You have said that you need to detach. Seeing her, talking with her, and texting her on a daily basis will not get this accomplished.
Your selfish reasoning is not helping you fix your marriage, it is hindering the progress.
Until you learn how to behave and interact with her, interaction is bad.
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Man, I just can't take it. I went in the room and just got my knee's prayed and cried. I mean I had to force myself out of bed today.
Phil, this is the part that get's me. You are hurting, you are in pain, and you don't want to feel this way anymore. Yet you do not look at what you need to do and do it. You need to jump in here with both feet and get to work.
You know what the answers are as you say them yourself on here to us.
Phil needs to stop talking so much.
Phil needs to detach.
Phil needs to stop texting.
Phil needs to learn to communicate better.
Phil needs to stop making stupid comments.
YOU HAVE THE ANSWERS YET YOU CHOOSE NOT TO UTILIZE THEM.
