Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Wandering Poster - XXV

I still think she liked the letters.

And she obviously craved the freedom that you represented. Which is not necessarily a horrible thing, and probably was romantic in her mind.

The question is, how to take those possibilities and create a better R with them. I think you are short-changing yourself a lot of days.

Yes. There is no question that she liked the letters. We both did. They were sort of a lifeline for both of us, I think. I'm just not sure how to translate that into anything current.

I may be short-changing myself. I'm tired. I'm running out of creativity. I feel a bit beaten down.

OK, enough of that!

Maybe its time to drop her a line?

((((Jeff))))

Hi Jeff,

Wow, theres been loads of useful discussion here. I like that everyone suggests putting her first for a change, getting the boys to brainstorm what their Mum would like to do and then asking her. If, like you say, her response is, you go, I'd rather quilt...then can you really really go? How about you and the boys all left the house for the whole weekend and went camping in the mountains, where its cooler and leave her to it. Friday to Sunday, if thats REALLY what she wants.

Give her the space she wants! She may really appreciate it, or, might be a glimpse of how life would be if you do S (you and boys spending weekends together without her)? She does take herself off to her room, work long hours and then when she is home, she watches TV.. so doesnt sound to me like she is interacting much with her kids as well as you? Like someone said, she clearly needs space and is going through some sort of crisis/unhappiness and she cant see any way out.

Also, I noticed you said, you werent sure if she liked being a nurse, but you thought so...WHY DONT YOU ASK HER !? I dont see the harm in asking her about herself? Thats not R related, or pressure. You do still live under the same roof and raise your boys...you could ask her about her work, not just her day, but, ask her if she thinks she did the right thing by becoming a nurse, is it enjoyable, is it making her feel fulfilled....?

You may have hit on a great suggestion above.....why dont you write her a letter??? Or even just start writing her little notes? They can be practical, but leave it for her when you are out of the house...something about thanking her for something, or how you enjoyed dinner with her and the boys last night...or just something, a little connection, but maybe talking to you is really hard for her, and maybe a letter or note could be a start???

Thankyou, as always, for your help last night. My thread died at a very inopportune moment, but I loved what you wrote. It really made sense to me and I slept soundly for the first time in a week. Seriously.
Ali xxx

Hi Jeff!!

Good Morning! You are a great person, a great man.
Write her a letter, talk to your C about it.
K

Hi Jeff,
You are lucky to have so many good friends here. I agree that writing her short notes would be a good thing to try. Try it for a week or two, monitor the results, and if it's working, keep doing it. If not, try something different.

Have a great 4th!

Oh yes, Jeff, do write letters. Even if its just what is going on day to day. She remembers the letters, I promise you. Keep writing and always remember to say something nice. Even if you said you saw a beautiful sunrise and it reminded her of how much she like beautiful sunrises or... did you see this new quilting tool? I thought of you and almost picked it up.

I like asking her questions about the nursing. Try to find out what fulfills her, has she been instrumental in someone's care? How did she feel about the positive outcome the person had? What has been her most difficult experience while nursing, etc.

Oh I like letters. I didn't get my first love letter until I was 35, and it was from a guy who was ALOT younger (it was fun) and he just simply said I spend all day thinking about you.

Something simple, nothing overly mushy, just to let her know you still think of her.

(((Jeff))) Big Hugs Lola

Letters. Ok, I'll have to actually think of something to say to her. There hasn't been a lot of that for a long time. Are these on paper, or does email count?

As I was leaving this morning she said she only wanted to do fireworks, rather than something at both ends of the day, since she works Saturday and Sunday. If the kids want to do something else, there's no reason we can't do it over the weekend, though again, W will be excluded. But, you know what, she does it to herself!

(((((Lola, Kelly Jo, n_a, Kalni, Ali, Corey)))))

Jeff:

I agree with everyone else! I think writing W some notes or a letter may be a good thing! You could leave them in different places around the house so they will pop up to her unexpectedly....Like tape one to the bathroom mirror...or put one on her "yogurt" in the fridge or slip one under her bedroom door sometime....It could be fun and you could see what kind of reaction you get to doing it!?

(((((Jeff)))))

BA