Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Walk-Away-Spouse Guilty as charged.. I am a WAW.

Hi SC.
I don't get the 'can't get you in for 3 more months' routine. If you are that full, get another doctor in your practice for crying out loud.

Do most people have 3 months to wait to be seen for mental & psychological issues? How many hear how long it's going to take and then never go because it takes so long?

Am going to rant in my next posting about my night tonight.

Thanks for being here.

it just gets better & better doesn't it. I guess at least I haven't wasted 2 days with all this BS I've had today.


H & S (18) got into it tonight.. I swear to god it was like an out of body experience listening to the two of the argue. S was calling H on every point I have called him on (except being abusive) in the past year. H talked to and treated S just as he treats me, like a dumba$$.

The kid was asking his Dad how to build his credit score. Wants to get credit card to use it responsibly to build his credit score, so when he gets out of college, he's good to go for buying a car/house, etc.

Now opinions aside about credit cards & 18 year olds, this kid has had a debit card & checking account since he has been 14. Never overdrafted once in almost 5 years and it's not because his dad & I saved his A$$ either, He is just that good with money.

H told S, there was no reason for him to do that at this point, he could wait until he was out of school or even until next year to get a credit card.

It was stupid to try and build a credit rating at his age.

What the hell was the point? Was he going to go out & buy anything that needed a credit history in the next year??

Stupid this, assinine that, idiotic (such creative words don't you agree?)


logic, logic, logic.. and it's only his logic that matters. As S. told him, I spent 3 hours looking up information on this, came to you for advice and all you can tell me is how stupid this idea is and how dumb it was & I am for thinking it's a good idea in the first place. He let him have it pretty good.... pretty much summed up most of the argument points I have had with him about his 'communication' with me.

While in some ways it was satisfying to watch & listen too, my heart hurt watching them both hurt each other as they did. I did not interfere, or try to 'take care' of it (god that was hard).

I let it run it's course. H left, S. stormed out of the room, and D went to bed crying, because someone talked nasty to her Dad (she's very much daddy's littel girl). H called S back about 3o minutes later, I'm guessing to apologize.. that's pretty much his MO.

Now I need those 2 beers.

Hi bridgestone,


yes. People change, develop new interests, abandon others. It's obviously important to balance pursuing your own interests with involving your spouse in your life or there is the danger of growing too far apart. Of course, the same is true for your spouse. Healthy marriages require a mutual willingness to challenge and be challenged. If you don't care enough to be an interesting and interested partner, you've abandoned the relationship.

Your exchange with H re: counseling is ... well, you know. He's DAM.


Oh this thing between a father and a son. Loudon Wainwright wrote a song about it. IMO there is a dynamic there that women find hard to understand. Men find it hard to understand, but we still get wrapped up in it. You did really well by not trying to 'take care' of it.

How are you today? lodo

I hope your H will listen to the counselor about communication. You are right, he needs tons of work in that area. Not condemning the other person's idea is the first step in meaningful communication. But, apparently, you know that.

I guess your husband is unaware that they teach "life skills" in high school these days, and one of the important topic areas in building and keeping good credit. Each of my 3 kids approached me with that question at about that age. And I cosigned a credit card for each of them. My youngest was advised by his older sister to go to McDonalds once a month and charge a lunch. Then pay it off the next day. And don't use the card for anything else. She says that builds credit very well. It is important for these kids to have credit. My 24 year old has just started his own business and he needs credit to order supplies for the jobs, but since he is self-employed, all he can get is a debit card. This is very difficult for him. So though he is president of his company, he still has to come to Mom and Dad for help to buy supplies.

I'm surprised that knowing how his father is, your son went to him and not you on this issue. My three approach me for everything, because I am the one who gives what they want usually.

I hope so too.




He came to me a month ago about this. We talked it through, applied for a student one on-line (they need his paid tuition receipt first to verify he is a college student -wont have that until next month). and I encouraged S. to talk to his dad about it at some point. I had already told H we were doing this. He was non-chalant (whatever, sure, fine) about it at the time

One of the things H. says I do is exclude him from the kids lives by 'dealing with all their stuff', not leaving him things to talk over with the kids and provide advice on.

So even though S & I have already had this disucssion and started down the path of getting a credit card, I though H could provide some input and it would be a good thing for them to connect on since S's dad is a self-employed business man and his dad's dad is on the bank board where we bank.

I think S was looking to show his dad 'hey, look what i'm doing that's responsible, that is taking charge and doing something pro-active in my life" and all he heard his dad do was belittle him for it and tell him why it was silly to do this now.

Makes me want to throw my hands up in the air and walk away again. Have not heard from either S or H what the phone call was about after the arguement last night. Not sure if I should ask.

Hopefully H apologized, but it is actions in the future that need to change. He is notorious for throwing out "I'm sorry" and "it's all my fault" and then thinking that is enough to make it better (as S. pointed out to him again last night). Problem is.. with S going off to college in 8 weeks and then it is 10 hours away, the change for H to show S he has changed gets slimmer and slimmer.

ok.. enough wallowing. I'm going to the driving range to hit some balls, maybe even play 9 holes as I have not yet this year and am missing the time on the course.

Hi bridgestone,

I'm just going to throw this out - it's really hard to find a counselor that you jive with, and then it takes time with them before things start to move. I'm sure you understand that, but will your H or will he expect you to move back in after the first session?

lodo

I have told him this is not changing where I live or where he lives. This is not to reconcile our differences or the past hurts/abuse/betrayals/resentments of the marriage.

It is for us to be able to learn better communication skills, so maybe we can address the past in a more constructive way. We may spend more time together to work on those skills, but right now I still need my space & place.

Honestly, I can not see myself moving back to that house at all. If there would be a reconciliation, he will have to move here or we will find a new place. For me, right now that is a non-negotiable piece.

I definitely understand. While W was gone, I went over to check on things and when i walked back into the house I realized that I didn't think I'd be willing to live there ever again.

Of course, that option isn't on the table, but ...

lodo

Hi lodo,
Thanks for understanding... I still clench up when I walk into that house.. It's like my body is rejecting what I was when I lived there.

I do miss my kitchen. We had remodeled a few years back, it was my dream kitchen.. Took my Dad (he does kitchen designs) & me over 6 months to come up with a remodel design that fit into the existing footprint of the house. Didn't knock anywalls down.

There were electrical outlets every 30 inches, (as opposed to 2 in the whole kitchen before!) quarter-sawn 15" deep, red oak cupboards, stainless steel door/drawer pulls (ratio-sized for the height/width of the door/drawer) stained-glass custom-designed (by me)cupboard door inserts, stainless steel appliances.. (sigh). I guess the food doesn't taste any different prepared in my kitchen now as opposed to that one, but boy there are sure times that I do miss the it!

H & I have C today I am anxious. This is the first time back in C together since April of last year. I did not get to sleep until after 3 am and then had really weird dreams.

It is almost a 2 hour drive to the C we are going to see, which will mean we will spend most of the afternoon & early evening together. I'm taking my iPod so I can retreat if needed into my music. Cowardly I know, but right now i still need to find ways to protect myself.

Hugs to you Bridge!!

Urgh...2 hour drive on the way to C, and presumable 2 hour drive back? IPOD IPOD IPOD. Or sleep (pretend to sleep)

Were the dreams cool weird dreams or nasty weird dreams?

Here you go...something to (hopefully) take your mind off the C session. Last week d7 gets into bed with me at about 5am because she couldn't sleep. I happened to have my *ahem* battery operated bf in the bed that night and hadn't put it away yet. She picked it up and said "mummy what's this?" omg.... _that_ woke me up quick smart!

I think I said..."it's adult stuff, honey. I'll tell you about it another time" yeah. like when you're 30!.