Did you your copy of 5 languages of love arrive yet. I was just wondering what you thought of it. Also do you the Mars and Venus book, i have been thinking about that one but have not yet picked it up. sometimes reading that kind of stuff helps other times it makes it hard to detach.
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
I'm halfway through the 5 love languages at the moment. You are right, sometimes it helps to read and other times it is hard to detach.
I really liked its approach actually. I have found there are a lot of analytical books out there but not that many that tell you ways of expressing love, they mostly tell you how you have gone wrong. I am still a bit confused by what my h's love language is so maybe when I have finished it might help to discuss it with you as you may be able to look more objectively. Would that be ok?
With Mars and Venus, I haven't read the actual one yet as it wasn't in stock but I read 'Mars and Venus Together Forever'. It was amazingly insightful in understanding the opposite sex and did help me with my interaction with my h. For example, when I was in my meeting with my h he yawned. In my head alarm bells rang and I thought, oh my god he is bored with what I am saying, how disrespectful etc. etc. and I had to stop myself and just say no, he stated when we met that he was tired and yawning is a symptom of tiredness so I let it go and 'took him at his word'. It averted tension. I also let there be silences too which before would have made me very uncomfortable as I don't need silences to think when I am having a conversation - to me that says dialogue has stopped and alarm bells would ring again. I realised that those silences were helping the dialogue as he could think and absorb and give a response. This helped both of us to feel more relaxed.
I would say that I am very typical woman and he is very typical man and we are both quite stubborn!
The only thing I would say is that is made me analyse all my past behaviour and I got a bit lost and absorbed in that - the old blame stick came out again! So I reread the chapters in DBing on solutions and not obsessing about the past as you can't change it and am getting back on track.
yeah reading books on R and M brings out the blame stick in me too, or I want to pick up the phone and say "look i act this way, you do this and here's other people who have worked threw that" That won't help either.
There was one time during the move she noticed my stack of books and I caught her reading the back of the love language book, so maybe someday she will read and we can compare.
I would be happy to discuss it with you when you have finished. that is cool that you were able to apply lesson that you have read about with him. I tend to do great by myself and only ok when i am around her. It seems weird to have to carefully think about and plan out my actions around the only person who I have ever really been myself.
Maybe that’s the problem with M. when you date you are carefully considering the other persons image of you, then some where along go to far the other way and just being yourself is seen as uncaring.
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
I read the Mars and Venus book, it was pretty good. It was very insightful, and some of it I found very useful. The parts about the way men and women handle tense situations was especially good, and that men want to deal with their issues on their own while women feel the need to tell ALL their friends, and hack it to death before figuring it out.
Gosh, I'm such a girl...
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
It would be so nice to call up my h and say look read this, it's all explained here! We're sorted, now come home and we can work on this. Hmmm don't think it's going to work that way! In fact I tried it once and got no reaction!!! (cringe!) I can see how annoying that would be to our s's.
I suppose the only thing that we can try and do is to realise those patterns and not fall into them. That is the only way we can change the negative patterns and interactions with our partners. It's bloomin' frustrating though!!
Get some positive perspective about EVERYTHING in your life. Once we get low, really low, things can only get better. (my philosophical approach at the moment). Take care K
You can only change yourself and enjoy the process. "Embrace it" as Transformer says. You cant make him see it. You can show the changes and hope he gets interested...
