Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? All settled in 250 miles apart

I used to be a big TV watcher as well, we both enjoyed movies and vegging out a bit in the evenings. Now I can't stand it I just have to get out and be around people. but even that gets exhausting, so when it is time for a little vegging, I have been watching only shows that I have never seen before, same with movies I have gone to a lot of new movies by myself.

Both of US to be big time scuba divers but that has dropped off. Over the last year and half I have only done it once compared to every weekend like I use to but that is more a factor of not living by the ocean any more.

In February we bought the car of our dreams a 66 mustang coupe. We were working on restoring it together but since she left I have barley even touched it. It’s like I ma wait for her to complete that task. I am going to mess with it a bit today so I can get it moved to my new place.

I too love music. It’s such a part of my sole, right now it seems like there is not a song out there that does not have an emotional connection for me, even new songs instantly trigger thoughts. I have been embracing that instead of running from it. I would rather face a sad song and work through the memories then to hide from them and have them hit me someday in public although i can't make it through our song or the song we danced to at our wedding.

I used to be a big time computer dork, but ever since her online EA and all the crap that went with it I can’t stand being around the damn thing. Witch is funny because this place saves me every day.

I love to camp and hike but need a partner for that and most friends I have here in this city are more indoors type people, that kind of sucks but I am looking for others. The thing is neither of us are doing the things we loved because we were such good friends and partners in everything we did.

I have also been running a lot more. That’s a love hate relationship. I love it when I am doing it but I HATE to get started. In college I ran a marathon. I remember how much it meant to me to finish that and I have been toying with the idea of getting back into that kind of shape. Not sure I could handle another one because the first injured my knees pretty good but maybe a half.

Wow that was a lot of rambling, thanks!!

I visited London 12 years ago today. I was on a High School field trip. in a lot of way that trip marked a huge turning point in my life. Plus I met my W about an month after i got back. I hve always wanted to take her there. What an amazing city you live in. I always find in funny when i look at that passport stamp, being in England of July 4th. Probably not something you all celebrate but Cheers!!

You know somthing else that is a dubble edge sword is dreams. I had the most amazing one last night. then I woke up sad, its hard to detach when things like that pop into your head.

Wow, scuba diving is great! I have a funny relationship with that as in I really love it but I have a huge fear of not being able to see what’s underneath me. So I can dive off an island and go out into the sea but I physically can't get off a boat in the middle of the ocean. I will literally cling onto the boat if someone tries to get me in! It's a strange one

Have you thought about doing more diving? You may meet some new people if you join a club and also you get to be around people but you can't talk to them for the majority of the time so you are alone but not alone if you see what I mean.

I have to admit that I didn't really know what the 4th July was, I had to look it up! Where did you visit when you came over here?

I have been to the States twice. The first time we went to San Francisco (and got engaged!). Then to Yosemite, flew to Las Vegas, and then spent a week in the Florida Keys. The second time we hired a camper van and started off in Boston and made our way to Niagara Falls and back again to New York. New England was beautiful!

wow those sound like great places to visit here in the states. I have not seen Niagara Falls yet but i have it all the others.

I was only in London, we spent 5 days there seeing the sights then on to France, Germany, Italy, switzerland and Austria. I had a chance to go to back two years ago but that trip fell through the day before i was going to leave.

Thats pretty funny about you diving, but don't worry i have seen a lot worse. I have taken somre pretty scared people out before, so i seen some good reactions. I do need to get back into it, right now all my really good diving buddies are else where but that is no reason not to meet new ones.

Well the wedding was fun. it was a bit hard to sit through the ceremony. I really wish she could have heard it. it is amazing that just 4 short years ago it was up there that excited and ready to start our life together. I am blown away by the fact that her commitment is that week, and that she ran instead of fighting.

The party afterwards was a lot of fun, and it was great to see some friends that I have not seen in a bit. Early yesterday morning I sent W an email with directions and times for the wedding and party and told her again she was welcome to come. When i got home I had a email that, said

"Dang sorry i missed it I just checked my email, I would have love to be there :o( "

that seemed strange to me, she new it was this weekend and she could have picked up the phone, it sounds like she is trying to make it sound like a mistake that she was not there and not that she just did not want to go. I just replied with a quick it was nice and good to see everyone. Then I also asked again about the pets. She ignored my last email about them and those guys are like my kids, so that made me mad.

JWS,

Glad you had a good time at the wedding...that is good DB stuff. Don't try to rationalize your W's actions it will only make you angry. Just enjoy the contact you do have. As far as taking the friend approach....there will be times when you feel like you are being used, but as long as what you are doing is coming from the heart then it is all good.

Well for the last week since i moved her in, I have been so mad. In fact I found myself starting to hate her and wondering why I would even take her back. Today that changed and I found a different understanding. I am still down and feeling like it is over between us but I can accept that without hating her and truly be the friend I always thought that I was.

While I was moving old boxes into storage I discovered journals that she kept in college. One thing I know about her is she only rights when she is depressed, that is why I can not stop myself from reading them. So I read these ones too. I have always known that she was depressed but never knew to what extent. These go back to three years before we were married.

She talks a lot about being alone and lonely even though she knows I am there and always will be. She says she does not know how to tell me about these things and so it not worth saying anything.

A year and a half ago before she found her OM she told me that she knew what she wanted to do with her life. She wanted my job. She wanted to fly for the military. I did not handle it well. My only thoughts were as an officer and the pros and cons and how impossible it would be for us to live together enough to make it work and the other negatives and I did not acknowledging her at all. I said it would likely lead to us not working out like I have seen other couples. She took that as “if you do this I will divorce you.” The OM was the opposite and told her she could achieve the impossible, and she was hooked. Before I even knew about him I started to win her back by waking up to how important it was and supporting it. After he was out of the picture I was fully supporting and went out of my way to help her. It was only then that she realized the hardships we would face. She told me that she did not want to risk her family over it and thus the idea of law school was born as a replacement.

The thing is she began to talk about this dream in these journals 3 years before she ever mentioned it to me and I shot her down. In high school we both wanted to be in the military. I took steps to follow that dream she did not. I though it was because she changed her mind, but she has been living behind me since then. I am not sure why she could never talk to me but when she did I blew it and that’s a mistake I have yet to live down.

I want my wife back and I want to save my marriage, but way more importantly I want my friend to find herself and chase her dreams. There is a very important part of her that never finished growing up because she was following me, even though that is never what I wanted. So to hate her is just me being selfish and a misguided way of healing my own heart.

JWS, have you read the part in DBing about real giving? I think you have done just that. What you have just written is really amazing, and I don't normally gush being the reserved English type! You've made a huge leap in my opinion and it really helps me to learn more about your wife and the situation, although I do have to say reading the journals isn't always the nicest idea. Do you think you would have got that insight without reading them?

I have to say NO WAY, I know I should not have read them either but to hear her saying things that long ago that she still feels today give me a different understanding to "you have ruined the last 12 years of my life” I know that there is a lot of hurt and anger in that statement but now I know that it comes from feelings that have been there a long time.

I know that right now we are in a place where words from me won’t change a thing, but if there was a way to plug our hearts into one another I truly believe we would find the respect, understanding and love that we could build a lasting M on. Some how she needs to see that on her own without me trying to convince her of that.

She needs to see that my failures were just that, failures not malice. I also need for her to come back into this marriage on her own. There is no way I can ever go back to watching her pretend. There is a fantastic song by Jypsi called “I don’t love you like that” that totally expressed everything I feel. I warn you however it’s a tearjerker.

I really do see now, that Time is what she needs, even though that has been what she has been saying all along. I hope and pray that 12 years of love and devotion is enough that when she finds who she is she will want that part of her live back, but if it’s not I will move on without hating her.