Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? All settled in 250 miles apart

Well it’s taken my W two and half months to finish this process of leaving, but she is finally on her own in her new city and I am in mine. It is safe to say I am no longer a new comer and its time for a new post. If you are new to my story here is the previous post.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1441914


This weekend of moving was hard on so many levels but here are some high lights. Traffic turned a 3.5 hours dive into a 6 hour dive and we arrived at the apartment as the office was closing and they would not let us move in. we ended up in a motel and made the most of it, including a nice dinner to celebrate her new apartment at school. The next day we worked hard and got her all unloaded and mostly set up in her new place. There were a lot of manly jobs that I was able to help her with and I know that she did appreciate them.

We talked very briefly at lunch. The week went so well once I shut my mouth so I was nervous to open it again but needed to say something. I told her how proud I was for school and that she has my support in that. Right now that is kind of the top priory so if she needs anything to call and she will get her best friend not her husband. I also said that the ball was in her court with regards to our marriage and that she sets the pace from now on. She seemed very receptive of this and thankful for my help and support. Basically it was everything I feel about helping this dream come true weather or not we work out.

The entire week was so hard because she keep acting like my wife in almost every way except the loving part. When I t was time to part we both got teary and I got a real hug from her then she fled because she was getting to teary but looked back and game me a wave.

I wish that I could say that was the end of the weekend but it was not. 10 mins later the truck I was using ran out of gas (bad gauge). Here I was stuck 4 hours from home 10 mins from her, my cell phone was dead and hers is the only number I have memorized. I called and she did not answer. So I walked a good while bought a gas can and gas walked back, all in all the process took 1.5 hours. She showed up as I was finishing. I just spent 10 hours moving and unpacking was tired, hot, sweaty, and now smelled of gas. I asked her if she still planned on going to visit her friend two hours away and not staying at her house. She said yes, so I asked if I could use the shower and sleep there then leave early in the morning before she got back. She freaked out and yelled and screamed and said fine I’ll stay. I tried to convince her that I did not want her to stay but it was no use.

Back at her place I learn she had not planned at all to go out of town, but veg out in her new place and just enjoy her new life. Makes sense and had she been honest with me I would never had asked. It got ugly and put a damper on a week that was hard and sucky but one in witch I handle things very well. I ended up trying to drive home but got stuck in traffic so I got a hotel. I should have done this before but money is tight and I figure here is an empty place that I paid for why get a hotel. I understand her side but not her lying to me.

I am left with feelings like this could work out, but at the same time it is totally over. I am not giving up but don’t know what side will win. She is in control now and I plan on going back to the LRT and going dark letting her control communication for a while. This week was hard and if I feel I need a break from her I am sure she does too.

There is pages and pages more I could vent about from the week but it does not matter. I am now home in my very first apartment alone and for now it feels good. Now I feel its time to go back to work and focus on me. She is to self centered and stubborn right now to waste my time worrying about.

JWS

Sorry you have found yourself over here, but you should get some really good advice. I'm glad that you had a positive interaction with your w. I'm sorry that it ended the way it did. Remember you were both tired and it wasn't the ideal situation. I have got some things to say on your sitch but it is quite late here now so I will post tomorrow. I really feel that there were a lot of positives there and if you need to vent further just do.

you are so right about us being tired and it was not ideal nor was it anyone’s fault it just happened. Not the best note to end the week end but i am past thinking that any one thing i do is going to cause this to end and be my fault. all in all it was a good week with good progress. We both are settled into good new places and we'll see where it goes.

This is hard work.....you are doing the right thing....she is in control...let her take the lead in communication. The more you let her take the lead, the quicker this will get resolved and the less setbacks that there will be.

we made progress on the friends front and i don't want to lose that by going dark completely, but i do want her to lead communication. i planned on laying low for a a few weeks. I want still show my support for school. my plan was in about two weeks sending a card or email, excited about school and supportive. then something to mark her first day of school in Aug.

then separately our wedding anniversary is at the end of Aug, I know that is so far off right now that any thing can happen, but does anyone have a idea of how to mark that day without pressure. I think that just letting the day pass without anything is not a good idea either. seems very sticky.

JWS,

If you felt you made good headway on the friends front, then maybe an e-mail a week later to see how her apartment is working out, etc.....real upbeat....absolutely nothing about the R!

I think it is too far off to even think about your anniversary. That is almost soemthing you might need to work out a week or two before....things can get very dynamic.

JWS,

TD's advice sounds very sound to me. Try not to think too far ahead and plan, life has funny twists and turns. Give friends a chance, it seems to be working.

JWS,

I just wanted to say thank you for your post last night, it REALLY helped me!

Just checking in to see how you are and how the new apartment (or flat as we call it!) is going and how you are?

the Flat is working out great. I really like it. i have not lived in an apartment in quite some time but so far that has not been a problem.

i have not thought to much about her this, week I seemed to be angry and detached all week but now faced with a very long weekend, i woke up very down and missing her. we always made the most of any holiday weekend. a good friend of ours is getting married this saturday. she has talked on and off about going, but has not committed to anything. i told her last week she is welcome to go but I would not ask again. i really hate these kind of social situations alone. I asked another good friend to go with me so that its not lonely, but now it would be nice if my W would let me know so I can let this other friend know.

JWS,

These are normal emotions. I found sadness and anger along with empowerment (after reading DR) to be my most prevalent emotions.

As far as the weekend plans, if you do ask her for a definite answer, make it very detached "something like, hey I am just trying to work out my plans for the weekend,, were you planning on going to the wedding, it is ok with me either way, I just didn't want to leave you out if you wanted to go"

If I was you I would plan on going to the wedding with or without her. If she doesn't want to go then go by yourself. It is a great opportunity to GAL....to show that you can have a good time alone. Remember this is friend of both of you....so it will get back to her. Bringing someone else along will only come off like you needed to bring someone because you were lonely. It might be true but it is time to stand up....you can do it!

Also, if you go to it alone, you can at least say yeah my W was getting set up at school to get her law degree. Is the other person, male or female?