Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy H had 3 year affair and I never knew!

I haven't experienced the kind of infidelity you have but as for being here, its your choice, I'm here to listen and learn, I'm resigned to the fact that my W is gone, that D is in my future, she is so wraped in herself, what she wants, that the kids and myself are just a second thought. (I'm not the best DB'er - I was willing to try DB'ing but W not willing to give up OM - so bye bye)

You can still get support from others here. don't know where else you could find the type of good people that you find here.

I keep telling myself, there has to be a reason this has happened, That I know its not my fault, I did everything and more to make her happy and she basically did what she wanted. It started to hurt us financially and I'll be glad to distance myself from her and her problems (which she is unwilling to address)

M45
W41
M10 3/4 years
D9, D6, D6, S5
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08
Date I'll forgive W for A = never

It's one thing to agree that you have to separate, but when it actually starts to happen you start to panic. He's looking at flats, staying over where he works 4 nights this week, starting to meet up with other women. It's like some horrible thing unfolding before my eyes - but I don't have a choice. I am still questioning in a way - but questioning what??!! He's already long gone.

Why am I even agonising over 6 women or 26 women? It is over. This has been my problem all along though, I haven't had the infidelity addressed at all because the R has finished.

We are telling the children this weekend, and then our parents. It is going to be very difficult because if we want H to keep any sort of relationship with either set of parents we aren't going to be able to tell them much. My mum would never speak to him again and give me grief for the next 10 years (she's not a christian, doesn't really understand the concept of forgiveness :)), I think his parents would have a heart attack. So all we are going to say is we are splitting up and it is mutual and amicable.

What else can I say without ruining all that we are trying to achieve for the children?

HC

My question is - if it is not mutual, why say it is? I understand the "high road" and everything else, but I am having trouble seeing how that is what is best for YOU.

Not saying what you plan to do is wrong, just not sure I would be able to do that. My sitch is different in that the K's are older, so that may have a lot to do with it. If that is the case, I cetainly understand in doing what is right for the K's.

Jeff - thanks for your support. It amazing that a group of strangers from the other side of the world have been so kind and encouraging, have given up their time to write to me and give me their thoughts.

Think I just feel like the black sheep a little because I am letting this happen... Ha! I can't win - if I think I made half the decision I feel bad for not trying harder, if I think it was basically all up to H I feel like the biggest failure.

Think of the nice things... new ring, new name, being a Miss, H has agreed to look after the children for a week so I can go on holiday by myself. Some of my married friends are quite jealous... hmmmm.

Hi lost

Well it is mutual in the fact that H was saying he didn't think he could be married to anyone anymore and once he gave me the history, I didn't think I could be married to him either. If he told me everything but wanted to stay married then I would have given it a shot.

If I'd've insisted that we try to work things out, he would have miserably conceeded, and then done very badly.

So I did take part in it to some degree. Although it wasn't really much of a choice...

And to say it was all his idea would open up a huge can of worms with people wanting to know what has gone on... he'd just run away, he really would.

even if it wasn't mutual, when you tell the kids, you really can't tell them who's fault it was, they are too little and they will feel in the middle, loving dad but feeling bad for loving dad. As much as I disliked it, we told the kids in a neutral way that dad decided to move out, reinstate that we both loved them still and that they were very important to us, that we'd made sure they wouldn't miss out on being with either of us during holidays and stuff. Stbx was the one that said we didnt' get along and had decided to split. Though, much later on my s10 asked me some questions, and I told him that when he grew up I'd tell him the rest, but that this wastn' really what I wanted and that I fought hard to keep our family, and I kept it at that and he seems fine now with that explanation.

My family would've been beyond hurt had they knew a quarter of what stbx did to me, when I told them I didn't mention ow, it would've killed them, and also I didnt' want to spread any more hate and I'm sure it would've been hard for me to talk about her, though the main problem really is stbx and his emotional issues (depression, adhs, the ow was, and always has been, a band aid).

Perhaps give them a summary without details, you dont' have to answer any questions that make you uncomfortable, say what you are comfortable with saying.

thanks cat, that is really helpful. It's how I feel about telling the parents. These are people in their 60s and 70s and we can make the transition for them so much easier. I also want to preserve H's relationships with my mum and dad if I can, my mum can be a bitter woman and it's not a side of her I like.

We think that at some point the children will know the truth (well, some of it), I don't want to continue the deception. But even then it is something I would hope we would do together.

I rang FIL to check that they were going to be in on sunday night, as we 'needed to see them'. That was it - he wanted to know. So I told him. Then MIL left message on H's phone and he had to call her to tell her. Not the way we planned it.

H phones me to say he had a really good conversation with his mum, she was really understanding and good about it. Inside I'm thinking, yeah, she was really understanding because she doesn't know what's gone on!!!! I felt really angry even though this is what we had planned to say and it had gone really well! Back to the old 'burying my stuff about the As in order to have a smooth ending of the R' again...

HC

Just a little insight into what is happening in my sitch. My W had apparently talked to her mom and found nothing but support for my W wanting to D (MIL could understand, I did not have the right personality that W needed in her life right now, etc). I internally cried B.S., but just acknowledged when my W told me this. This was a couple weeks ago, and of course, no mention of A. I know that because W talked to good family friends of ours and told them what she told her mom, said "that is what I told my parents, but there is more", broke down and told the family friends about the A (the family friends told me they lost all support they may have had for my W at that point, told her to drop OM and get back to figure out what is really important).

This past weekend, W's parents were at our house and they had another discussion - much less supportive of where W is at, told both of us that they want to hear nothing but positive things, no more negative, from us and left it at that. Still no A talk.

I mention this only to say that after H mum thinks about it, she may not be as supportive of him and may become more supportive of you as a couple. Never know.

If I am asked by my IL whether there was an A, my commitment to myself (and I have told my W) is that I will not lie. Too much lying and deceit going on already in our place. W is worried because her parents tore her to shreds when they suspected there may be an A. This is my plan because I think it is the right thing for me to do. I have already contacted OMW and am paying a small, but I think temporary price for that, but again for me it was the right thing to do.

Whatever you do, please make sure you do not regret it later - then I think you will know it was the right thing for you to do.

If you are keeping his 20+ affairs secret from your family and his, I really hope that this is NOT the reason he is giving people for your split, correct? I hope that you guys will come up with something that at least alludes to the truth that doesn't hurt your family or EITHER of you.

HE has issues, serious ones, of what look like sex addiction and control, probably related to his childhood sexual abuse. All of that is part of the truth, your appearance (which sounds quite nice) is not.

It is truly terrible that you and your kids are caught in the middle of this. Your husband's behaviour is HIS behaviour and has nothing to do with you, would probably have happened no matter who he was with. This is easier to see with addictions other than sex, which is so personal and strikes directly at the heart of a marriage.

Keeping the details mostly to yourselves allows everyone to the opportunity to behave with dignity. Think of it as a gift to your children - it's very hard for kids to accept themselves without a positive view of their parents.

Having him leave and see other women must be incredibly difficult. I know it's one of my huge fears, that actually seeing my H with other women will rip my heart out and I may not be able to control my reaction. Do you remember some years ago there was a woman who ran over her cheating husband with the car? I think it was more than once - she backed up and did it again. I can totally relate to her, the fierce joy of just letting go and doing what you want to the bastard.

Oh well, a girl can dream...