Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy H had 3 year affair and I never knew!

Being open here is good, get it out of your system (head)

I had to step back and think when I read your post. I'm sorry you feel the way you do.

I'm in the same boat, W has her own place and can do what ever she wants. I want someone to kiss, someone to hold (((happycamper))), someone to love. but I can't. I have to get my life in order before I invite anyone else into my life. It's going to take time, thats why I still wear my wedding ring. To remind me and to show others that I'm still married.

There is nothing I want more in the world then to hold a woman, feel her body next to mine, and feel love again, but I cannot until I get my life in order. To feel a womans lips against mine, wow God, someday please, yes its gone for now, and I don't want it to be but I have no choice right now.

We all have a long haul ahead of us, good or bad it's the path we choose in life that's important.

M45
W41
M10 3/4 years
D9, D6, D6, S5
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08
Date I'll forgive W for A = never

Thanks Kris for your encouragement. At least I can buy a smaller car now rather than some 6+ seater. Although I can't do that until we tell our parents what is going on!!

Can't go to church today - no car! No-one else has one big enough to take all of us... given up.

I have also just realised that my duvet and duvet cover is rectangular shaped, and that the stitching on my duvet goes across and not up and down. I have been putting my duvet cover on the wrong way for four years! It's amazing what a clear head can do!

For my husband (one day) - things that told me there was something up...

* When I found those condoms in your washbag and you said they must have been some of our old ones left over - didn't really believe you

* When I found Elsa's email address on the computer and you said it was a work colleague (well, I suppose she kinda was)

* When I found the charge to your card for the adult 'friend-finder' site, and you said you were just looking

* The fact that I just couldn't get you to come to bed with me, even though I'm NOT fat, NOT got a bad body, NOT old and DO like sex

* The fact that you worked hard on your appearance, waxing, tanning, more preening than me and yet we both know it wasn't for my benefit - do you remember me constantly saying that to you?

* Those times we you used to phone those phone lines for couples wanting a 'third party'

* The debt you ran up in secret

* The fact that you liked to make other women feel good

* The fact that your radar was always on - I knew that

* The fact that you kept your life so hidden from me

* The fact that you lied to me about everything


You see my darling, even though you never meant for me to find out, and in fact I never did until you told me, it leaked into our relationship like a poisonous gas. Slowly, slowly I learned to detach from you to protect myself, which is why the end of our marriage is moving so fast. I am happy to let you go, and as I have already said, I will not take you back.

I love you as a friend, I will be there for you if you need me and I want your life to go well. May God bless you on your journey and I really hope that you find the peace you need.

T x

What is it with spouses who have had affairs? They are like rumbling volcanos, ready to blow...

H came home last night from w/e away working (some work, some play) and was tired and grumpy. When will I learn, tired and grumpy = avoid like the plague. Somehow we got into a conversation about me being sad about my sex-life disappearing, which is something I am grieving for. I threw out the line 'someone has taken my sexuality away' and then BAM! defensive H appears. Anything that smacks of blame to him and he blows! It always follows the same pattern...

1) We're talking about our current situation quite happily

2) I say something H interprets as me blaming him

3) H starts saying the reason we are splitting up is down to things like my appearance - all the reasons he gave me for being unhappy before he told me he had been unfaithful to me for most of our marriage.

Let me state one thing for the record here - now I am a size uk 8 (us 6 I think) and before I lost weight due to stress I was a 12 (10). I wear make-up most days, I am the best dressed full-time mum on our estate, I'm not ugly. He basically wants some tiny, silicone enhanced, adoring 18 year old.

As long as I avoid getting angry with him, or sad with him, or basically showing any emotion at all about what he has done, I'm ok. Great.

first of all, you could've been a size 22 and still that would'nt be a reason to do what he did (back when my stbx was human and I was about 20lbs overweight he'd still make me feel sexy and wanted, I never felt bad about myself, well after the A and when he came back I was slim, dressed and looked much better but he woudlnt' give me the time of day). So the appearance excuse is rubbish. I was also given the stupidest excuse why stbx cheated on me, he couldnt' even back up what he came up with, it's all excuses excuses excuses, dont' you believe any of them for one minute.

He's got some nerve! getting all defensive! of course he has lots to be ashamed and blamed for! what a coward.

Prayers your way )))) I do hope your car is ready soon.

Cat,

At the moment I'm not even sure I can afford to fix the car - it's still on the road outside, going nowhere!! Not sure what I am going to do about that one...

After I explained that I said what I said last night because I was feeling hurt and rejected, he said

Don't you think I felt rejected when I asked you to consider surgery to change your appearance and you wouldn't?

Yes, that's right folks, it's my fault because I've had four of his children, and my stomach looks a little worse for wear, but I won't endanger my life to ensure I look good for him.

Told you, tired + grumpy = avoid avoid avoid!!

booohooo, so you didnt' have surgery to please his shallow views, pluease!
Just when I think I've heard the lamest excuses...

I thought you sent your car to the shop! sorry hon, hope something comes up to help you in that matter, that sucks, will be praying for you))))))

cat - LOL!

ebay update!

My boots sold for £36 (that's $71 to you guys)! And they went to..... stbx.

Yes, he bought them back for me. He sent me an ebay message saying that he thought they were a trophy of my overcoming some heavy issues (see here) and that I might be getting rid of them reluctantly. He wanted me to have the money and be able to keep them because they make me happy. He is right, although I think it showed that actually he might be finding the detaching harder than me - he's still emotionally inputting into me.

When I read his ebay message I sobbed and sobbed. I think it was because this is stbx at his best, and it was good to grieve for the good parts of our R. It's hard to cry over a R that quite frankly you are glad to be out of.

So it helped me in more ways than one.

Thanks darling!

So we had our C appointment last night, and H was late from work so I had the first 30 mins alone. I told the C the whole story and that I was worried that a) I was putting my feelings about the As on hold for the sake of a smooth end to the R and b) I was concerned about what we told our parents as I didn't want their R with stbx to be completely trashed.

She said that she couldn't believe after all I've heard from stbx that my main concern was for our parents and to an extent, stbx. Over the years certain people had stood out to her for their incredible responses to difficult situations - and she felt I was one of them. I felt very validated.

Other than that we discussed how to tell our parents as little as possible. She said that anyone who knew me and knew I had a strong faith would know that I committed very strongly to our R (true) and that it would take something very big for me to agree to a D (also true). People would make their own minds up, whatever we said.