Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Help me Act AS IF, Part 7: The Separation

My ring is so familiar. I've been wearing it for 16 years. But it doesn't mean anything to me to wear mine if H has taken his off, so I'd probably feel better taking mine off too.

I didn't expect to be thinking about this so soon. It's only been 2 weeks since he moved out.

I had friends over yesterday--two couples with their kids; my kids were there too. Only person that was missing was H--which feels so weird still. Why do all my friends' H's stick around? I feel icky being the only single mom in my circle of friends; even though I live in a super-liberal neighborhood with all kinds of families--two mommies, single parents, etc--my friends and my kids' friends are all from traditional, intact families. It's just turned out that way and I never really noticed until now, when I no longer fit the mold. My friends are incredible, supportive and don't judge me at ALL, but I suddenly feel like an outcast.

My friends H's were helping me with the grill and doing the usual "male" tasks and I felt like a loser for not having my own H to help. Why wasn't he there? I don't get it, still!

I remain plagued by the feeling that there's something I could have done better or differently in my M which would have kept my H from leaving.

You can always put it back on if that feels better.

Today I tried to remove my wedding ring while I was in the shower. I could not get it off! My finger has fattened, I guess. I will have to try again.

It's all so hard and confusing. Spoke with H today about plans for him to pick up the girls later. We chatted about the girls and cute things they've said/done recently. Of course, he and I are the only two people who find them as interesting and charming as we do. This weekend, we are both driving D11 up to sleepaway camp--because we both want to see the camp, her bunk, etc.

I'm so torn because on the one hand I am still so bitterly angry and hurt by what he did and how he did it, and I don't want to reward him by being nice and friendly. Some of the hurtful and cruel things he said keep coming back to me. But then there are times when I'm fine and enjoy chatting with him as a friend. When that happens, though, I feel the chemistry/banter/flirtiness we've always had and then it kills to realize that none of it translates into "romantic feelings" for him--just for me.

I don't know who to be with him right now, how to act that makes me feel OK and not like a fool.

Last night, my good friend, who I've known since junior high school, told me she found out her H has been having a 3-year affair. UGH. What is wrong with everyone? Why do humans even attempt monogamy? It so clearly doesn't suit us.

You're not rewarding him, you're behaving with calm dignity. Doesn't have anything to do with him.

I keep changing my tune. H came over to get the girls, who were not home yet--so we had about 1/2 hour alone. H waltzed into the house, mowed the lawn, got more of his stuff, then sat down in the living room, where I was. He said "so how are things? What are you working on?"

I was being all pouty and unfriendly and said "you haven't asked me those things in months" (which is true). Then I went back to working on my laptop and he got up and puttered in the kitchen.

I'm so confused about how I want to behave around him. He took ZERO interest in me, avoided me at all turns, during his last months living here w/me and now it hurts and angers me that he tries to be semi-friendly now that he's moved out.

LMG - I'm not on the boards like I was, but I'm keeping track of your sitch. We are still in this together......unfortunately.

After my H's first rental fell thru I got another e-mail from him this week saying he thinks he has another, but it is not available immediately. He has to wait until the tenant moves out. I replied with "just let me know when you are moving, so the kids and I can be out of the house." No answer to that. But then again, no reply to anything somewhat emotional for some time now.

I'm in the same boat with you. On one hand I want to be supportive and let him go find what it is he's looking for, but on the other I want to knock him in the head and say everything you NEEED is here! I want to be friendly and upbeat around the kids and act as if their life will not be turned upside down----not be bothered by the fact that they do not treat him differently (but in someways are more drawn to him)----but all I want to do is scream "he's leaving me/us and does not care about anyone but himself!" I want to scream the words I get after my kids for saying all the time: "IT IS NOT FAIR!"

But, life is not fair, they say. I'm still day to day on my emotions, but stronger than I was even a month ago. I guess maybe I'm accepting this reality. I've been wondering how the transfer of the kids will go-----which seems utterly ridiculous, treating them like property. I'm sure I will let him be in charge of how it will go----but, I am tempted to change the locks and make him wait at the door..........ughhhhhhh!!!!

His mother is coming up today for the weekend. It will be the first time we've seen her since I let the cat out of the bag-----telling her on the phone when I thought she knew already. Too bad she never believed in discipline (always said he was PERFECT)----I doubt whether she will tell him what an a**hole he's being-----------but it would be nice.

Sorry. I wish your "husband" understood better the failures he is setting his own children up for. He lacks insight into himself and insight into that the grass is greener on the other side. Sounds selfish to me... but then again, that is what society and the P.C. crowd tells us today isn't it... everything is secondary to our own happiness... no matter the cost. Would that these WAS's were intelligent enough to wake up and smell the coffee. No justice for those of us dealing with a WAS. I am sorry he doesn't allow you into his walled off self and let you be a part of what he promised you would have, a family. What a way to live. Hearts are torn to shreds and there is nothing we "left in the dust" spouses can do... just watch our kids suffer as a result and watch our spouses feel empowered and falsely happy at someone else's expense.
Me:39, 2nd marriage, I want to work at it all! I want to DB.
W:40, 3rd marriage, she wants to D.
T:5
M:4
D:3, My other D:17,20
Separated:5 months, problems most of R.
D:no one has filed anything
Me: holding my breath hoping for a miracle
W:I hate you, you don't understand my feelings
Me:I don't hate her, and I don't understand

Today I took off my wedding ring. It was like giving birth, it was so hard to get off! I had to use soap and pull and pull. I took it off because I noticed that H has his off already, not even three weeks into the S. Actually, I feel better with it off since I felt kind of foolish wearing it when he wasn't. Every little step like this hurts, though, too. My H clearly is DONE with our M. I don't know if I'll ever understand how his feelings changed so dramatically or what I may have done that was so unforgivable.

Today H&I are both driving D11 up to sleepaway camp (her first time). That should be interesting--3 hours each way; D7 will be with us too. I can make the choice to be friendly and relaxed, but I also feel very raw, hurt and angry at H, so it's not going to be easy.

In our case, our Ds seem just fine with the S so far. They have their moments, but D11 says it feels more natural for dad and I to live apart! We never fought, that's what's odd, so it's not like our household was awful. There was tension there toward the end, though, which she picked up on. D7 says she likes having two places to live!

I don't get it. They truly seem OK with it, better than I am. H is still a loving involved dad, so that's maybe why. I have to admit it hurts for me to feel like the only one who hasn't just sailed off into this new way of life. I still feel hurt and gypped and betrayed.

Where are all my DB buddies?

Hello lovemyguy! I'm here... just busy, exhausted, emotionally drained... words aren't coming easily to me, so it's hard to post.

I don't know what to say about your girls seemingly taking this separation so well. Maybe they are so concerned about your happiness, they don't want to add to your worries, so they are putting on the brave face?

Today I put my ring back on. Not because I have hope, but because I'm still "married". I think you should put yours back on if you miss wearing it.

Hope you have a happy day. What's on your agenda this week?