Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? random Dommage

Dang Dom, you too? Well here's to sunny days ahead!

Bah.
"tired"... but not sleepy, exactly. even though it's past my bedtime.
She didnt keep her word again, to talk to me about something. I let her be for two days without saying a word about it.
Normally, in the past, I would have bugged her about it. then she would get all huffy about me pressuring her, and use that as an excuse to give me a negative reply.

But even if I "do a 180", it's lose-lose for me. I bring it up, and i'm the bad guy. I DONT bring it up, and she "forgets". Ugh.
I deserve to be treated better than this.

I give her $400+ birthday gifts. I give her $400+ mothers day gifts. I pay $3000 for a nice family vacation, that she contributes about $300 to.

What do I get for fathers day from her?
Nothing.
What do I get for my BIRTHDAY from her?
Nothing.
Not even something that would cost her nothing, and actually cost ME more money.

ugh.
if i'm not going to sleep, guess I'd better go do something else besides just rant more.

Ugh.

Hi. I feel your pain. I agree, companionship is most important, but all so elusive as well. I am going through personal challenges myself, been on this site on & off for 3 yrs now. My H left for 3 months 3 yrs ago. Then returned in the fall. Recently he left in Oct and said he was done. I have had my struggles with acceptance of that. I have tried to be civil and done anything to make D as painless as possible. But it is the hardest thing I have ever been asked to do. Just found out recently about someone H is hanging with. Picked up the kids and she was there. I boldly introduced myself. H has never mentioned her EVER, just heard from the kids. Now it seems I pick them up and she is there. Do I have to be subject to this? Not that I don't expect it to happen at some point but 9 months into this and in my face? How much pain is a person supposed to take? All I ask is that it is not in my face. I told H tonite via voicemail, which I know in my head was probably wrong, do me a favor and if you are not alone then please have the courtes/decency to let me know and I will pick up the kids around the corner. I just have been having the hardest time and basically I would rather have what I don't know don't hurt me. So to speak. So at this point I think I am going to go dark. The less contact I have the less I am hurt. H keeps telling me I will be served anytime now. I said I want it sooner rather than later as I want this pain over.

I don't know if bars are your answer. I know many go there but I am not a fan and never have been. I don't want to give you any of the common cliche's that I have gotten as they serve to do nothing but annoy. You cannot just be told to get over them and tadaa you are over them. Not sure what people think they are helping with that. Don't know if you have kids, I have d8, s12 who are caught in this. That is what bothers me the most. And in my state I have no rights apparently. H can do whatever he wants with whoever he wants and have them sleeping with my kids in a tent in the yard and I can do NOTHING to stop it. NOTHING. As a parent with morales that is beyond frustrating. And in order not to majorly F up your kids you cannot discuss most anything with them. I agree with you, hatethishatethishatethis with a passion.

As you can see I am up too, Can't sleep can't eat. Back to stage one. 2 steps forward 3 back.

arrrg. still not asleep.
Thanks for the "support", SS.

I wanted to write, that it's not just about money, even though that's all that I mentioned in my earlier post.

To use her phrase, I "bend over backwards" for her. If she asks me for something, I try to give it to her. Even when she DOESNT ask for something, I try to be nice to her, and give her/do for her things that I think she would like.
I put so much time and effort into being considerate of her, and her feelings, and what she'd like, and doing positive things for us.
She does very little back.
She does various stuff "for the children". but almost nothing for ME, directly.
Whereas I put in a whoole lot of effort, and thought, and consideration for her, directly.

Like I said, it's not about the money. I wrote about the money, mainly just because it's easily quantifiable.

Funny, I did the same, bent over backwards, waited on, massaged, tried everything to please. Very little back. At some point WAS's just shut down mentally regardless of our actions. We just continue to try to please as it is our nature. We do what we would like done for us, but it never happens.

Try to get some sleep, I tried and had little luck and now have to go to work and try to pretend to function there. Life is such a crappy rollercoaster, I can't stand it.

A random thought, triggered by Ann25's thread, and her questions on how to get her husband to do stuff...

My thoughts on something that makes marriages go well:
I think a lot of it, is being responsive to your spouses needs,and them to yours.

In some extreme cases, some women are advised to throw tantrums more. Scream more. Get really pushy/nasty. Because their H "wont respect them if they arent strong".

I dont think that's always the case.
Which is a good thing, because some people just arent up to the yelling and screaming.
I think that sometimes, their H would respond to being vulnerable just as well as, or maybe even better than, being "strong".



1. I think that if someone is really really lucky, they find someone who responds well to them... and understands their own way of communicating, "this is really important to me". Whether that be crying, or screaming, or whatever it may be.

2. I think that someone who is less lucky, gets blessed by their spouse eventually understanding better than earlier in their marriage, when things are really important to them.

3. I think that someone who has no luck, but a whole lot of determination, chooses to change the way they communicate, so that their spouse finally understands what is important to them, and acts accordingly.

4. And finally, I think that if the other person fully understands how important something is, but still does nothing, then they almost deserve to be divorced.

The sad thing is, I think that most divorces arise from people who are only failing to succeed at #2, above. They THINK they are at #4, and the other person "just doesnt care"... and so either file D directly, or get involved in things that lead to a D... but they are mistaken, and never even got to #3.

Certainly not the case with all marriages. But I know that was the case with my marriage. I really did not understand how important some things were to my wife, or I would have changed.
I do better understand it now, hence why I am different now.
(and still looking to improve )

It seems unfathomable that I could not understand it at the time... but I did not.
Rather sad, that. For me, and for others who go through that level of misunderstanding also.

Today.... is our 11th wedding anniversary.

The third anniversary spent living apart.

Words.... are inadequate.

Things could be so much better for our family, and for us.
All that is needed, is for both of us to work on it, together.
Our children need us to work on it together.

(((DomR)))
Are you guys going to be getting together? Do either one of you acknowledge it?

That would be a "no", we're not doing anything.

She pulled a typical last minute crap avoidance, after saying she'd "think about [having dinner tonight]" for the last few days.

She's "too tired".
"too tired", to just sit and have dinner. with our children, even.

Sick of being treated like this.

Warning: long angry rant follows.



Had a talk with her a few days ago. I asked her when people should choose to forgive, and when not to forgive.

Previously, she had told one of our children, to "get over it" and accept an apology from his brother, when that one apologised to him for hurting him.
But with her to ME, it's all, "I still have hurt/resentful anger feelings about you".
No responsability. No acknowlegement that she has any ability to work on that.It's [not her fault/decision to make], it's "her feelings", and she just cant do anything about those.
And it would be bad to "fake forgiveness", if she feels those things.

So: to the rest of the world, the rules are, "dont let your feelings rule you; forgive family when they apologise". But to me, it's, "oh i cant do anything, 'cause you know, cant do anything about my feelings.. maybe some day i wont feel this way..."

I confronted her on the contradiction... and rather than acknowlege she is/has treated me badly...as usual, she decides to rewrite her standards of morality to make what she's doing to me ok.

"I made a mistake with the kids. Can't I make a mistake?"



----


I AM SO SICK OF HER TREATING ME IN THIS CRAPPY WAY!!!!

really sick of it. as in, right on the line of telling her to go to ---- .

I've worked my ass off for 2 years trying to make things better between us. and suffered agony for the 2 years before that, to the point where I had to go to the doctor for stress-induced backpains that wouldnt go away for months.
Her response: "you've changed some things. But you still do some things that you always did".
Yeah, that's right... I keep doing things that an average person, would consider normal, reasonable things for a husband to ask his wife. Things like asking her, "How about answering a question I ask you in something resembling a reasonable timeframe, rather than taking 5 days just to spite me and try to forget the question?"

Meanwhile, she almost never works at anything herself.
She "allows" things sometimes. rarely. But actively work on improving things between us? or make any kind of commitment... to ANYTHING?
Unthinkable.
She'd apparently perfer to just keep floating down the river with her latest boyfriend, where she doesnt have to really work at anything, but just soak up all the lovey-lovey feelings from her boyfriend, without any real responsabilities.

The latest one is a total idiot (26: 8 years younger than her), who thinks that she would never lie to him. I would laugh my a$$ off to see when he finally gets a rude awakening... if it didnt make me so angry what their fantasy romance is doing to our family. He's such an idiot it make take him more than a year to realize just how easily she lies.

I really dont feel like waiting that long.

----

Why would I want to work so hard to be with a woman, who

• never feels any responsability to do anything (and avoids any notion that she "should" ever do something)
• is never wrong(or at least, never admits it even when it's obvious)
• is never willing to make a commitment to anything
• is unfaithful to me
• plays passive-agressive control games on me
• treats any request from me to treat me better as "trying to control her"....
• says even if she forgives me (someday), we would never be closer than "co-parents"

AUUUGH!

The only reason I dont hate her, is because, like a grown up person, I make a choice, to attempt to manage my feelings, and not think about all the crappy things she's done to me too much.
The past is the past... but when she keeps treating me badly in the present as well, it's tough not to think about them.
I'm starting to feel hate creep in.


I wonder, is she ever capable of apologising, for what SHE's done? Of saying, " _I_ _was_ _wrong_. I treated you badly. It wasnt the right thing to do. I would like to treat you better from now on".

I have my doubts.