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Hi FA! Thanks for the comments, and interest in my really long drawn out sitch (which could've been so much worse than it is, but had the potential to be really awesome if only H would get with the program, but I know I cannot control him, so I wait .... for now). Phew! Long-winded sentence!

I really don't want to be a WAW, and at this point I don't see myself leaving in the near future. I am horribly loyal to a fault, and tend to be idealistic and gosh awfully honourable. I am one of those irritating types that just can't understand someone breaking a promise, let alone a vow. I even felt guilty leaving my first M, which was abusive, and only left for the sake of my then D4 (she is D27 now ... good grief, how time flies!).

This is the problem of getting to the Piecing part of DB'ing ... ya both have to be on board, otherwise it's just going to go back to the same ol', same ol', and I think that's what's happening here.

I am also just tired of trying to analyze my sitch, trying to figure H out, trying to find a way to trust him again, to forget (I have forgiven, but the forgetting is the hard part), to feel safe in the R. I know that I have built up a wall around my heart (hence the detachment), and it's getting higher and higher, the longer he lets things go unsaid, unchanged, unexamined, and unacknowledged. Don't get me wrong ... I don't feel sorry for myself, or like I'm some martyr to his 'evil'. I know what his good points are, otherwise I would've kicked him out when I found out about the OW.

Ugh! Enough wallowing! I am so past the 'wondering why's', and yet I seem to revisit it on occasion. I just need to get over this little hump in the road. They crop up now and then, but soon I will find a way to be my usual happy self. I should listen to some Great Big Sea music.

I hope I can help you in your sitch in some, small way. No-one's sitch is completely the same, but there are the odd similarities that tend to crop up, and maybe I can help circumnavigate some of the possible pitfalls, or give you a different perspective, thereby some food for thought.

Thanks again for visiting, and take care of yeself. Oh, I see you're also in Canada. Cool! I'm on the left side .... which side are you (if you don't mind the personal question)?

BeingMe,

I wish I could post some really wonderful words that will lead to all the answers for you. I'm sad that you're feeling down...you've been kind of ambivalent about all this for a long time, and I can certainly understand the need to detach from the frustration of everything settling back to the ho-hum-status-quo when the opportunity for something truly great is just around the corner. (I fell that way too sometimes.)

You've put so much of you into this for so long, and you've turned it over to Heavenly Father--maybe the leap of faith is in being able to keep your hands off it and have patience that things happen in His time. It's been a long time since I posted this list, but I come back to it often when I feel frustration that H's choices impact so much more than just today and I wish he'd get it all together already!:

1-I believe I am divinely inspired.
2-I believe I will always do the right thing.
3-I believe God will provide a way where there is no way.

(((Hugs))) to you, and Merry Christmas!

Hi BeingMe,

I too am horribly loyal. And I am an optimist who tries to understand things from other people's point of view. This is a brutal combination, as I have been trying to see the good in my H, be true to my promise (the temptation for revenge is enticing) and try to understand him and his motivations. Is this my way to gain some power over my sitch? Perhaps, but it is mentally and emotionally exhausting. I don't know how well I'll fare after a few years of this. Reading your posts forces me to project a bit into my future and imagine the rest of my life should I choose to continue along this path. And what I see in your posts is that this is a lifelong endeavour, that it won't simply end the day he comes home, nor will I wake up one morning and everything will just be the way I want it to be. Wouldn't that be nice? If life were a movie...

I do hope that one day my H and I will rediscover the comfort we once found in each other, friendship and trust and ease. We truly were friends, as well as lovers, for a very long time before all of this, and it makes me despair the thought that we may have lost that friendship, even though we still love each other. I am not so naive as to think I will ever forget - not me, impossible. I am cursed with a vivid imagination and have been apprised of far too many details of the A (thanks in part to the OW); how fortunate for me! I just hope that my memories fade enough that I can keep moving forward and stop pausing to look back. And I guess I will only know that in time. Patience not being one of my virtues, I feel I am in for a long haul.

I sense that my H is on board with DB-ing, but it is early yet to see how much effort he will put in, and I suppose that's partly up to me, how much I can give back to him for his efforts. My H pretty much hit rock bottom because of his A, losing his job, friends, acquiring debt, the list goes on. He has alot of personal work to do in addition to work on our M, but I suppose that's really what DB-ing is all about. In the meantime, I have to do my own personal work, set new GAL goals, and try not to be obsessed with my M. My D6 is wonderful for helping me to keep things in perspective. I try to remember to be the kind of role model she needs to see in order to grow into a well adjusted young woman.

I think maybe you can help me in my sitch, though I don't know about avoiding pitfalls - I tend to be stubborn about advice and learn best from mistakes - but definitely getting another perspective would be helpful. I have discovered in this process that friends just can't give me that. In fact, with a couple of friends, I've had to step back from the friendship, for now anyway, because they simply cannot support the fact that I won't just walk away from my M.

I thought you might be on the Left Coast of Canada. I am as well, but on the Mainland (and I don't mind the personal question). I also noted that you are an artist. I lean in that direction, though as not in the way I earn my living, more as a hobby. I am reminded that I need to get back into my art as part of my GAL goals.

Hoo boy! You and I sound so similar in nature, FA ... I tend also to be empathetic, imaginative, optimistic, but also impatient, and I have to be torn apart before learning a darn thing, although I am starting to tend toward taking good advice since all this happened (tired of bumping my head, I guess). I never thought I would be able to hold out this long, or allow an A keep me in a M. But, there you are ... amazing how much we moms do to keep our families together for our children (and, I am doing it for my D15 right now, even though I do love my H, I could so easily be happier on my own). It is hard to forget. I discovered the A from reading 2 months worth of emails between my H and his OW. Strangely, he has forgotten almost everything they said to each other, or so he says.

I sure have learned patience on this journey. That, and keeping my mouth shut, and (except here) I rarely explain myself to anyone, especially my H. If he asks, then I will, but I used to volunteer waaaayyy too much info about how I'm feeling, and how things have hurt me ... yadda, yadda, yadda! I was making myself sick trying to get my point across, and my voice heard, and my feelings validated. Ugh!

I agree that one can't involve one's friends in the sitch, and definitely not family. Because, if you do reconcile, they could still resent your H for the hurt he caused. And, everyone has an opinion, that it's hard to know which one is more valid, especially coming from people you have a personal connection to, and you care about. Best to just let them know if/when an absolute decision is made, and not too many details.

As for being an artist ... definitely can't live off it, but am getting back into it slowly. I used to do a lot of graphic art, and creating websites, but haven't done that in awhile. So, I may get back into that. I also enjoy writing. I live in an area where there is so much beauty, so it's hard not to want to photograph, paint, and write about it.

Aud - I agree that I just have to let go, and leave it in God's hands. No point in crushing myself. Venting here helps me cope, and get past the downers quicker. Thank goodness for this bb! Thanks for reminding me of certain spiritual things.

Take care, y'all! And, a Merry Christmas!

FWIW, I'm a sucker for beautifully designed and photographed lifestyle blogs...a possible way to transition your writing and art into a living. Just a thought! I'd totally be a reader.

Mmmm, that sounds like a good idea, Aud. I do have a facebook account, but maybe my own website with a forum on it will be better, and more secure. I will do some thinking about this in the next couple of days. Thanks.

Hey Being Me, I've started reading "The Purpose Driven Life" and it's tough stuff! So much of Christianity seems to be to put aside yourself, your need for control, to figure everything out and hand it to God. Ch 1 says Point to Ponder: It's not about me. WTF, of course, it's about me! But, it's so true that when we put all this sh!t aside, for some reason, we feel better. When I pray and connect with God, I feel better but has anything changed? Nope. So how does that happen?
I've also started reading another Christian self-help book called "Happiness Matters" and the author writes "...forgiveness is essential to happiness. Other than erasing our memories, the only way we can be happy is by forgiving those who offend and hurt us. You can't be happy aas long as you hang on to your hurts"..."if you live by forgiveness you will be happy". He also writes"You will never truly be happy in this life as long as you hold onto a grudge or have a chip on your shoulder. If one of your goals in this life is to be happy, you must forgive people and let go of the hurt they may have caused you. Quit talking about the things they did to you and talk to God instead....Turn them completely over to Him." Wow, how the heck do ya do this stuff! It all seems so above what we are capable of, doesn't it. But again, it is true when we let go we feel more at peace so why the heck do we have such a tough time doing it?

Wii, I surely wish I had the answer to this question. I think, sometimes, we are our own worst enemy. We need to forgive ourselves first for our shortcomings and failures, before we can forgive others. Perhaps that's the first step?

It's late, so I think I will just go to bed, and dream about all this. G'night!

Being Me, I read somewhere something that said roughly "who the heck are you to not forgive yourself, Jesus went to the cross to bring you forgiveness yet you can't forgive yourself?" Sometimes maybe we make our shortcomings etc far more important than they actually are. Is our lack of self forgiveness just part of our apparent limitless capacity for obsessing about ourselves? Just a thought!