My plan Puddle, is to live my life without H controlling how it goes.
This is a small statement but covers it all. That control can be direct or passive. Funnily enough I have come to a similar conclusion lately. Its your life and you get to call the shots. They ( your H / my W ) decided to leave and need to face the consequences.
I love when emails sound like business correspondence. My spouse would send those to me. As of last week I've stopped initiating any communication with him. The last time he called, he asked me why I didn't want to talk (settlement ideas for the divorce). I said that I don't talk to people who threaten me, who yell at me. (ooops.. got carried away.)
Hi Sunny, what you said about control and C_K's comment about direct or passive explained to me better why I feel content (at the moment). Thank you both, K
Checking in while there's a break on the Western Front.
H came over swinging last night before he took S5 to dinner. S16 was supposed to go with them & changed his mind, going out with a friend instead.
When H found out S16 wasn't going, he launched(loudly) into the importance of honoring commitments, not saying you're going to do something & changing your mind when something better comes along, etc.?????
This lead into me responding on how he's quite the roll model for teaching that.
What he's doing is "completely different", he didn't really start his A until 2 wks before he left ????
Blah, Blah, Blah.......The reason he started the A was b/c I treated him like cr@p for 4 years (down from 8yrs a while back).
I did leave the hot pink marina parking slip hanging in my car for him to admire, when he arrived. Of course, since he says he doesn't care what I do & has a GF, it's expressed in other ways.
When I didn't back down on allowing him to spend the 4th with all of us, out came "The Offer". I laughed & asked if he had been driving around with those in his car.
"No, you want to know when I put them in the car.....when I got those e-mails."
I held my ground (nicely), with him saying if I change my mind, I can call him.
I call CVA & tell him it looks like I'm really getting a D. He says, "So you got a some paper with some numbers on it, big deal, I know this guy, I was once him, I don't think he wants a D."
This morning I get this;
Sunny,
I thought about how we are ramping up. I don't like it and I don't think you do. Whenever you use S5 and take something away in my seeing him that I think you had already agreed to I throw back. All I want is to be with him during the 4th Fireworks. So, I will show up just before dark and we will walk him out to the cliffs like we have for the last three years. Then after the FW's I will leave. I won't bother your guests. So, that is what I am going to do, If you agree then I'll take the envelope back.
I'll be over (today) as soon as I get back from (sail planing).
Sincerely,
I think it's very important to keep showing that I'm not going to participate as the 3rd leg of the table, & do it calmly, w/out being sucked into the drama.
My 2c Who has "the offer" now ?. If you have it , put it somewhere safe and dont give it back. If he asks tell him you are working through it or something.
Who has "the offer" now ?. If you have it , put it somewhere safe and dont give it back.
Thanks, got this minutes b/f H came by....it's put away safely. As Gypsy says, since I have it already, I can't be threatened w/getting it & he doesn't know if I read it or not.
The threat of giving me the offer has been H's attempt @ control Kalni, & I'm now calling what looks like his bluff.
He just left after spending a full hour trying to convince me that we should watch the fireworks together across the street.
I followed DB successfully, & let him leave with winning the prize of spending 30 minutes with S's (although no promise from me that I would accompany them).
You would have thought he won the lottery.
Before he left, he apologized for giving me a headache with all this. "I can always tell when you rub the 3 little lines above your left brow. Well, the ones that used to be there, I just got the credit card bill. You've always been beautiful to me though."
Wow, I haven't heard much of anything like that in a while.
Looks like maybe my new boundaries increased my value.
