Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? New thread, new phase?

Hiya Lisa,

I kinda have to call as that was how we left it at the end of our meeting - that I would contact him re the house once 'I had thought about it'. Although writing that has made me realise that once again he has kind of put it on me to make the decision about the house, although I suppose he has stated what he wants. Ugh!

For my birthday I have arranged that a few friends and I are going to go to one of the pottery painting places - you can bring your own booze so there could be some interesting results! And then there is a retaurant that only serves desserts so loads of ice-cream eating! Yum!

I suppose I am feeling a bit downcast as the only change that seems to be happening are me having to let go more and more and I don't like it :-(

Hope you aren't getting blown away in this wind, my cat is running round the garden chasing the wind - it is v cute! Hope you had a good weekend x

Oooh, those pottery places sound like fun, and I've heard of the dessert restaurant. Sounds like a great time in store!

I think if I was in your shoes, I would probably drop H an e-mail about the house saying that you've thought about it. That way he doesn't have to respond immediately- it's a bit less pressure but still fulfilling what you agreed at the last meeting. He'll have to contact you afterwards, but it'll be down to him to pick when and how so to speak.

I know it's hard to let go. I found that pretty hard myself, but it's the only thing you realistically CAN do at this stage. I don't think that this is over for your H, whatever he says. Many of the WAS on this site have been convinced they were doing the right thing only to change their minds a few months later. It's the way of the WAS. The detaching is for you really rather than letting go of your R, if that makes sense? I can't remember now (so sorry if you've already posted on this) but have you read DR or DB?

I quite like the wind! I have a big kite so I look forward to blowy days like today- having the kite up really makes me feel like I'm in Nature's thrall. Sad but true!

L. xx

Oh, how exciting. I love kite flying! I used to fly mine on Hampstead Heath when I was small.

I have read DR - maybe I should reread it a bit to keep me a bit more focused.

BTW that is a really good idea Lisa about the email. Hmmm I shall consider. I feel better, thank you x

Oh, I'm glad. Keep posting- that helps (helped) me more than anything, and everyone here understand what our situations are like, which is so different from my RL friends and family. This place is really amazing.

Have a good Monday!

L. xx

Hi Julia,

Thanks for posting to me. I appreciate it. I haven't read through your sitch, I am a bit overwhelmed at the moment but I see you get a lot of good advice and especialy from my favourite "My Lady" One day... The girl is a veteran!

Take care
Kalni

Hi Guys

Any input would be really appreciated!

So here are some plus points to selling the house
- I think it is good to sell it before people panic even more about the housing 'crisis' and falling house prices.
- It is a lot of up keep for me to keep clean on my own as well as holding down a full-time job and commute.
- The garden is too much for me, and was for us, and is out of control!
- It means I don't have to put up with our annoying neighbours anymore, we both have a mutual hatred for them!
- I can move somewhere that is more accessible as I don't drive.

Practical things I think we need to discuss
- How much is he willing to help with seeing agents and dealing with the sale practically speaking?
- Is he willing to come up and help me get the house ready for sale? Do DIY and snagging stuff.
- Is he willing to come up and help me with the garden as it is a real selling point to the house and is a mess. If he wants to just pay a gardener (a typical reaction of his family - money solves everything). I am not really willing to pay halves as if he came up and helped we could do it together in a day and I can't afford a gardener.
- How are we going to split our belongings?
- Most importantly will we go 50/50 on the proceeds of the sale?
- what is going to happen with the cat? Does he want her or should I have her? - he won't want her as she is responsibility but why should I have to take her on, of course I love her and will but it is the principle!

I have lock-jaw with the stress! Does anyone have any ideas about what things I should avoid and what is not important? Also how to phrase the discussion?

He always got wound up by the housework/ garden and refused to help, or did it under duress. He wants to duck out of responsibility and has not helped me with DIY since after his illness, before he was really enthusiastic.

Any help would be appreciated... I don't want to sound like a nagging wife.

Julia,

I would just plainly tell your H that his you need his help in upkeeping the house and meeting with agents. Just tell him, you can't possibly do it all yourself (timewise and moneywise). If he complains, just say "this sin't easy for me either, but if we want to have any prayer in selling this house we need to be able to present it well.

Perhaps the time spent "fixing" the house up could give you two some time togeher and bring out some good memories. I probably wouldn't discuss the split of funds or the cat right away, this will most certainly result in some sort of tension. Where I am at it usually takes a month to complete the transaction so this would give you plenety of time to work out those details. This is just my perspective others might prefer to get those details straightened out ahead of time.

Ah, I love it that I can get a guys point of view here as when I write it down/ or say it I sound like a nagging wife but when you surmise it, it sounds so much better. Thank you TwinDad, the burden I was feeling has just melted a little.

Do you have any suggestions on how I can try and get him a little enthusiastic about helping get the house ready for sale - or am I being a bit over-hopeful/ unrealistic. I know he will just try and get us to pay for someone to come in. Basically is there a way of presenting house chores in an exciting way?! :-)

Food and Beer! (or wine if in the evening)

I would just say lets get together this weekend and knock out some of these chores. Tell him you will provide the food and drinks, but you need his help. Guys want to be needed not nagged and whatever you do , if he does help out, don't tell him how to do it just what to do.....lol. I would present it something like this when you are there..."if you clean up this I will take care of that, etc" I would even start it out with being a separate ends of the house or one inside and the other outside so he doesn't think you are using it as an excuse to get together. If he says something about just paying someone to do it, just say you can't afford it and besides it might be fun or something like that.

Just some thoughts, the jist is to "act as if". Be confident in you approach and your tone (better done in a phone conversation so he can hear your upbeat tone)....assume he is going to say yes.