Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Mulesqb still getting kicked in the a$$

Now she's drinking wine and being very nice. I don't want to be a yo-yo again (MC's term - not mine).

By the way - when she started the R talk - I got the hell out of there - thanks Phoenix! I was thinking of you. It helps that my Giants won the Super Bowl in Phoenix (well nearby!).

She even just went out to pick up my S14 from one of his grad parties. The only thing is she wanted to see the house that its at because she knows the people.

Mules,

If there's a program YOU want to watch, then you should watch it. If sitting with her and watching it was something you did to spend quality time with HER, and it's not something you care to watch, then don't.

You need to pull WAYYYYY back from her, emotionally, and lovingly DETACH. Your wife needs to begin to feel what it would be like if she were to leave you. It is also a protection mechanism for YOU, as your MC noted.

Puppy

I wouldn't play any games. The aim is not to punish her.

But it apparently is time for you to face the possibility that things may well lead to a separation at the least.

I would say that the things she said are not encouraging. And they are also very consistent with the kinds of things we hear from mid life crisis spouses.

It may be time for you to begin to read up on MLC and try to understand as well as possible what it is that you are likely dealing with.

In the end, we can't stand in their way. If she wants to separate, and if it's done legally, it could well lead to selling your house. Make sure that you understand what the implications are of legal separation vs. divorce in your state. In some states the primary income spouse (that's you) can be required to offer significant support to the dependent spouse under legal separation.

I guess I'm saying that you would do well to gather as much information as possible.

Nothing else about what you're doing has to change in my opinion. I would be myself.


Bill

Thanks guys - I decided to pull back. I played video games with the boys and did some laundry. I think you are right - I keep hanging around for a little glimpse that something may get my hopes up. I was very pleasant but went about my biz tonight. There was nothing I wanted to watch - i would have only been in there to be with her.

Bill - I've been reading Survive your Wife's Mid Life Crisis. I think she may be a year and a half into this already. It just took her 11 months to get to me. The lawyer I met with told me that I wouldn't be as bad off as I would think. She is an expensive lawyer though - so I either get it coming or I get going. Money is the least of my worries right now. I will keep gathering info though.

Puppy - I'm trying on the emotional pull back. One thing - i do feel better when I am not around her - like there is no pressure on me. MC made me feel like I had a plan I could stick with for a while.

Journal - Got up this morning and was going about my biz - shaving, showering, getting dressed, etc...She comes over to the mirror and starts filing her nails next to me - she never does that - and certainly not at that time of the morning. I just kept busy and kept going about biz. I felt one of those giant talks coming so I really stayed away. I told her my S10 has baseball practice tonight and she complained it was in the middle of dinner time so I told her I would take him. I very pleasantly wished her a nice day and was on my way to work.

The one thing I did notice is that she was a pinch closer to me in bed when I woke up this morning. Hard to believe I could notice, but she is usually so far away. I had a very good night's sleep for a change and feel fresh today. I usually wake up during the night many times but didn't last night. I am not even sure what time she came up.

I hate to think of a life without her. But right now with the way things are I don't want to be with this person. My parents told me the other day that they always felt marriage is a 50/50 proposition - they're 50th anniversary is in 2 months. They said it always seemed that my marriage was 75/25 or 80/20 with me constantly catering to her wishes. The funny thing is that I knew that but it never bothered me. I got so much out of seeing her happy, or helping to make her happy. But I have realized that I probably overdid that. I know in my heart that one of the reasons I did was that I felt guilty that we had 3 boys and I am so close to them. She did want a girl but always said the right things like "as long as they are healthy", "I love it, I am the Queen of the castle". But really, they are our children, what am I supposed to do, not be close with them?? I know in my heart if this was the other way around, it wouldn't be an issue. Yes, I would have wanted a boy, but I know how strong my feelings are towards our children and I would have treated daughters exactly the same, whether they were in to ballet, girl scouts or nothing at all. All 3 of my boys play soccer, and I don't like the sport at all, but I never missed any of their games. That's because I want to watch them doing something they like and get enjoyment out of, that brings me pleasure. It's hard for me to understand her mindset of wanting to do her own thing instead of sharing theirs.

Thanks to you guys and MC I am understanding detachment better and letting go of any negative thoughts. Usually the comment about baseball being in the middle of dinner time would annoy me. Today I was able to let it go right by me.

The only thing still gnawing at me is the thought of selling my house. We saved for many years and had it built for our family. Within the last year we finally finished everything we wanted to do (bought surrounding land and finished it, put in a pool and big deck, landscaped, put in a small basketball court for my boys which they love, built a mini theater inside which is a hobby of mine etc...). It really was time to start enjoying life. That's what makes this so difficult. Real Estate sucks in my area right now. Just two years ago if we sold I would have more than doubled my money. Now that is not even close. More importantly, it was my boys home. I know they will take that very hard, especially if we are going to be schlepping them between two apartments or condos.

New to your thread and only just read this page. Something jumped out at me and I've looked back briefly and seen you do it twice (at work so gotta be quick), but you constantly say 'my boys', not just boys or S11, but my boys or my S11 etc etc.

Not sure what i'm getting at, but that seemed a little odd. Have you neglected your W for you sons ? I can understand that as they get older and imagine us men will do to an extent as the will have interests like us I guess.

Thanks Arthur - I just felt like that lately. But maybe there is something to that.

Mules,

GOOD JOB.

Puppy/Choc.

Puppy - Thanks - I know, I FINALLY got it right!

You don't know that you would have to lose the house if she left. I would presume that your income has been sufficient to cover the mortgage to this point, so it's possible that you would be able to keep it. You might just have to buy out her portion of the equity, which sounds like it wouldn't be much right now.

I still struggle in your sitch with how available to be to your wife. To me it seems a positive that to this point your wife has been open with you about her struggles and feelings. While I know it is often painful, there are ways in which this looks to me like she continues to reach out to you through these conversations. Probably for your emotional health it's bad, but I wonder if it's not good for your relationship.

And don't start doing the looking backwards thing. That's what the MLC'ers do, eventually deciding that our entire lives together were horrible. I always thought that marriage was 100/100 if it was to work right - that both of us had to give 100% of themselves to it to make it work. Yes, perhaps you're the stronger one, but that worked ok for you for a long time. Don't start second guessing yourself now.


In the end you are still faced with a wife in crisis. It's a lousy position to be in, but you're the man, you're the stable one, and it now falls to you to try to hold things together.


Long standing marriages, particularly with children involved, should not be given up on. If your wife is incapable, it falls to you. You sound like a strong, confident, and intelligent man. I have no doubt that you have it within you to continue on.


You'll need ways to keep your emotional strength up. Don't feel bad for taking time for you.


And I think you should continue to try your best to normalize things with your wife. Understand her struggles, empathize with her a bit, and try to keep life with you and the boys as normal as possible.


She has been amazed at the way you've stood by her. Your goal should be that this stays true till whatever end comes along.


Strength and honor.


Bill