One of the reasons I wanted to get married was so that I wouldn't have to worry about chasing woman or getting to know them.
Phil,
I absolutely cringed when I read this. You really need to work on your "inner game" before you can address issues with your W.
As somebody already mentioned, you really need to go back to the beginning. It's about you now, not her.
You don't need to "chase" Woman and getting to "know them" should be considered the fun part, not a chore. Your W is not a possession Phil.
This neediness comes out in every one of your post and until you learn to be happy and satisfied with being on your own, your not going to attract your W back into your life.
Think for a second Phil and ask yourself... what if she doesn't return? What will my life look like? What would I want it to look like? What is it in life that will make you "happy and fulfilled" as a human being? How can you bring value into your own life for your own benefit?
This is important Phil. Your concentrating on your W, when you should be concentrating on yourself. Once you learn that concept, I think you'll start seeing a change in her.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
"I absolutely cringed when I read this. You really need to work on your "inner game" before you can address issues with your W."
Then cringe buddy...
You see it comes like it is. It is called a comfort zone. I have agreed with the comfort zone and she has not. I think this a lot of the problem with relationships in general.
We agree, we love, we get married. You will do this... I will do that. That is the contract. Then one of you goes... WHAT! This isn't what I wanted.... ALL BS DUDE!
No I didn't want to wine and dine goofy chicks trying to drink eight dollar drinks at my expense. Guess what I don't want to chase goofy chicks looking for free ride.
I didn't want to be with three different chicks in one month and forget what the hell I told this one or that one. I found my girl and I stuck with her and I married her. Hell or high water.
Then someone has to get shelfish with themselves. When I was willing to change and do whatever it took to get back on track, but it doesn't matter to them. Because it is all about them.
Your right it is all about them. How we deal with all about them.
As far as lostPHil is concerned he got game. His game is about morals. About conviction. About fortitude. about faith. about courage. about marriage.
I just folded her laundry. Found a tshirt of hers that said you couldn't look this good if you tried. Is that something a 31 year mother of two would wear? A woman that was conservative republican catholic woman.
I already knew my wife and if she is turning into something I don't like, then maybe I don't want it.
You need to stop antagonizing me and stop being poison.
I was having a pretty descent night until I read your post.
Don't misinterpret ATGO's message. It is about how you posted and what it sounded like. I pretty much read it the same way as he did.
I think you are improving vastly. However when someone points out something they see, take it for what it is, an opinion expressed to you.
There really is no reason to go off on ATGO. I have read his posts to you and he has been a huge proponent of lostphil from the get go. He expresses one opinion of something you may not be doing correctly and you come off with this
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You need to stop antagonizing I was having a pretty descent night until I read your post.
A little extreme to a guy who has been nothing but good to you and supportive of your situation.
However, that seems to be your pattern.As long as everyone plays nice in Phils back yard he will be nice.But the minute you point out anything wrong, Phil will take his ball and go home.
Do you do this to your W Phil? I hope not......
You pointed out something interesting in this last post:
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I just folded her laundry. Found a tshirt of hers that said you couldn't look this good if you tried. Is that something a 31 year mother of two would wear? A woman that was conservative republican catholic woman.
This is pretty significant because you are asking us if this is normal. NO...It's not... and that right there should tell you something is wrong with her right now. Things like this are why I pointed out the MLC issue to you.
Women who marry young and have children young are prime candidates for MLC in there early 30's. They have a tendancy to try and relive their lost youth. A lot of your wifes actions tell me that she is trying to go back and relive her missed freedom.
I think that as long as you keep comparing apples(normal wife behaviors) to oranges (WAW/MLC behaviors) you will never be able to get a solid grasp on how to handle her. You have to stop expecting any normal behaviors from her or you will continually be disappointed.
Didn't I tell you guys to stop sticking up for one another and talk to me. TALK TO ME!
The person gave their opinion I didn't like the opinion. I took his 2x4 and shoved it somewhere.
Ian, you have been very very helpful to me.
Right apples and oranges. Nothind and I mean nothing rhymes with orange.
Just like the other night when I did the stupid thing of stopping by her house and she was hanging out with a 16-18 year old work buddy. Oh you can't stay her because my friend doesn't want to hear our crap.
What about tell the little girl to go home? You have adult grown up problems you need to deal with. Sorry little friend the a$$hole husband that loves me is here and wants to talk, can you go home.
What about the 100 of times my friends came to our house and she could tell all them about our crap. She could b\tch at us and b\tch at them. She could punch my friends in the arm, and beat on them or something. But please lets not upset my litte friend from work.
I know the shirt isn't normal I was just pointing out more evidence of MLC behavior. Some here are not identifying it as MLC.
Bipolar, yes Ian I'm bipolar. No, it's called I got pissed off. When someone kicks me I kick back hard.
Change! I am looking inward. I don't need someone telling me to look inward. I have been looking inward. Sometimes you have to push outward. Physics...
Let me beat myself up my own way.
I apologized for being disrespectful to her. Did I get anything in return. NO, did I aspect to get anything in return. NO. Because I am the one changing. Did I expect her to apologize for somethign. NO, because that has been her pattern.
She hasn't accepted one single solidary thing she did to cause failure in this marriage. She hasn't accepted one single thing she did to encourage my behavior towards her.
I ruined her life!
Did you ever think I'm so damn defensive because I dealt with this crazy woman all my life.
She right and I'm wrong. Her way or the highway. She was the boss. She wore the pants.
I was the stupid a$$ guy that fought back with her.
Her dad is a doormat. Her uncle is a doormat. I'm thinking these are the type of guys they want. Doormats... Well I'm no damn doormat. I tell it like it is. I think I'm a pretty straight shooter.
So she is looking for her lost youth. Something told me this was going to happen.
It's all BS! I didn't get my easy bake oven. waaaaaaaah waaaah!
Phil, first off, I was talking to you. Not necessarily sticking up for ATGO. I was trying to talk TO YOU about how you handled him.
Trust me you would know if you pissed me off....I am a lot like you
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She hasn't accepted one single solidary thing she did to cause failure in this marriage. She hasn't accepted one single thing she did to encourage my behavior towards her.
I am going to keep this post short and simple Phil... Someday....she will... You may still be around and then again you may not. But someday it will happen. It always seems to around here. Many wait a long time for it, but it comes.
I do not in any way profess to being well informed on MLC. I understand the basics and have dealt with it some, but I do not preach how to handle it.
In that arena I will tell you that AmyC and BND are two of the best around here. AmyC from her understanding of the womens side of MLC, and BND from her surviving her H's MLC and being able to have real access now to some of the answers.
These two are both amazing women and will give you phenomenal guidance just as they did me. So please listen carefully to their messages as they of all people are here to help you understand and learn to survive.
No backwards steps tonight because one post pissed you off Phil. Keep moving forward as you really are showing great improvement.
Hmm, just like now an hour ago she showed up to pick up d. Cold as ice. Skeleton scared her again. Thanks for doing laundry. Yeah well maybe next time you come you can do things for me. Why do you have a golf flag pole in our yard. What? I didn't hear you. Why do you have golf flag pole in your yard. D chimes in. Daddy is going to make a green and we are going to chip onto it from sand, and putt on it.
Then she gets in car and says. I forgot to give son a kiss. Well go ahead and kiss him then. No he doesn't want to be with me. I point to myself with both hands. Just like you don't want to be with me.
Dumb!
What I should have said was just because he doesn't want to be with you doesn't mean you should stop loving him.
You know Phil, this constant drama you have with your wife is never going to stop until YOU stop it.
Who is the ONLY person Phil can control? Phil is.
Until you stop with your incessant need to fight back, have the last word and prove her wrong all the time, your just spinning your wheels and proving nothing to your wife except she was right to escape from you.
I'm not saying she had a valid point then, but your giving her one now.
Try some loving detachment for a few days Phil, please!
What have you got to lose right now?
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Thanks for doing laundry. Yeah well maybe next time you come you can do things for me.
What is it with you and laundry?
Oh, can I ask you one more question?
What sort of shirt should a 31 year old mother of two catholic woman be wearing?
Hugs,
Jeanette
Change the Policy. Allow PM's Free all of us.
Also some new and improved emoticons would be nice!
