Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Mulesqb still getting kicked in the a$$

Thanks FIB - I am not recoimmending any counseling to her. That's between her and her parents. I am staying 100% out of it.

I realize now that this isn't about me - it's just that it's been going on for about 6 months now (I know that's a short time compared to others)with me involved. I actualy think it's been going on longer for her. The problem is that the kids are WAY too involved. They are very upset at her as she treats them as afterthoughts.

I did backslide and tell her I love her. I won't do it again. She just said that she feels like an outsider in house full of males and that nobody loves her. I told her there were 4 people that love her very much. My bad - my emotions are a little unstable right now.

You are so right about hanging on every little positive. That's where i have been for quite a while now. It has been killing me. I have lost a total of 28 pounds - i attribute it all to this. I am trying to eat regularly - but I end up in the bathroom an hour later. I wasn't overweight to begin with, so friends and peers think I have cancer.

This separation is not for a set period - it's just the weekly arrangement.

Thanks for your post - I need all the support I can get right now!

I know Phoenix, I screwed up. I'm a little emotional right now. I just feel like this may really be the end. I am putting on a good face around her and keeping very upbeat, but inside i'm a mess. I'll be strong - she's heard the last ILY from me for a long time.

Our arrangement is that Friday to monday - she stays at her aunt's house and monday until friday I'm at my dad's. The next week we will reverse the 4 days and 3 days and keep reversing each week.

She won't have a lot of time with the neighbors during the week. The boys schedules kick into high gear now for the next 6 weeks. I will attend but not help her get them there - that would be her way to get with the neighbors. I also plan on talking to the neighbor this weekend.

I agree. This isn't just a one week arrangement. I know last time was a HUGE mistake. I can afford our mrtgage at home - but adding an apartment is a hardship right now. I am going to look into. Not sure i can swing it though. I'm just glad I convinved her to do this and not the legal route right now. That would require me selling the house and then schlepping the boys between two apartments. This way the boys can enjoy their house and their summer. I know it's not perfect, but I don't know what else i can do right now.

I do think that I need space from the sitch. The emotional roller coaster was making me sick. I will keep battling though.

mules...I lost 38 lbs. Try to eat and stay in shape.

You still didn't say if you are in the state of NY. If you are, I don't recommend that you leave the house under any circumstances.

Next, bro'..this ain't easy. Been there, done that, still doing it. It takes a long time if you are in this for the fight. Some, for years.

You have to let your W have her problems and solve them. Yes...you should be there if she needs you. Yes...you should help her if she asks for help. But you can't take on her problems. She must solve them on her own. YOU CAN'T FIX THEM and that is the main thing we men want to do. We want to FIX THE SITCH AND FIX IT NOW.

It don't work.

If she tells you something, listen, validate, don't try to fix. If you REALLY need to help, ask them:
"is there anything I can do to help you with X,y,z?"
Most times they will say no.

Truly...you must detach from her emotional mess for YOUR HEALTH. My buddy Jeff here once posted to me "now is the time to sit back, relax, let go and watch the workings of a women lost in MLC." Well....you know what he means..it means to disengage but 'be there'. A tough tightrope to walk indeed.

BTW...when your W tells you that she feels she isn't loved with 4 males in the house, it is NOT R talk to respond positively:

"Honey...I feel pain knowing that you are going through a difficult time right now. We are here for you. We love you. It's my preference that we stay as a loving family but I want to do what will make you happy. If you need to leave....I understand...etc"

Hang in.
FIB

Journal - OK - Where to begin...

We had agreed that she would come home from work on Friday and then pack up and go to her aunt's for the weekend. Well, she comes home and starts grilling me - "what's wrong??, You have a look on your face like something's bothering you"...etc. I said that I was doing a lot of work and was just tired and looking forward to relaxing tonight (her parents took the boys for an overnight.)She starts crying and says that she's not leaving - she doesn't want to leave her house - that is not the answer etc...I said that we agreed to do this and it wouldn't be easy for anybody. She then asked me why I wanted to get rid of her so fast. I told her that I felt I needed some space from the sitch to sort through what I am feeling.

It then turned into a long discussion. She told me that she has been angry at me because the kids clearly heard one of our arguments a few months back and what I said about her and the neighbors and that has turned the kids against her. She said she knew it was not intentional on my part but it was my fault. I let it go - wasn't going to argue. I said i was sorry for unintentionally turning the kids against her if that is the way she feels. She then went into feeling lost and an outsider in a house full of males - all the stuff she's been saying. I just validated. She said she didn't want to leave the house - I told her I wouldn't force her to do anything but that I was disappointed we couldn't follow through on our agreement.

She then asked if we could pizza together for dinner. We did. It was actually very nice. We were alone and talked for a very long time about family and friends. We went to bed. In the middle of the night I woke up and she was very restless (I think she actually woke me up). She started crying about being lost and having a terrible feeling inside and she didn't know how she got here and she feels very alone and unloved. I told her that she has 4 people in the house that love her very much and she will never be alone because of that. We talked for a while but she was very restless. She got up and took one of her tranqulizer pills (Xanax). They were given to her for panic attacks a while back. She got back into bed and asked me to hold her. I haven't put my arms around her in a long time - I couldn't believe how rail thin she was. It caused me to have a big lump in my throat. I kept thinking to myself - What has happened to her. I held her until she fell asleep and then I turned over. One of the last things she said is that she feels like she is a terrible mother.

I got up the next morning and went out and got us coffee (it's one of my 180s that I know she notices). We talked again over coffee. She said she can't take the way she feels anymore and that she has to get her life back. She said she is going to her IC and will talk to her about it - I said nothing. We had a pretty good day. Her parents were over for a little while and she came to S10's baseball game. She then went and bought some steaks and we BBQ'd - just us. She drank a lot of wine and just wanted to sit and talk with me. The boys were excited that we were getting along so well so they were hanging around. She kept telling them to go do something so "me and daddy can talk". I was torn - I wanted to tell her that I didn't agree and to let them stay but I didn't. Everytime they left she would say how they are driving her crazy and won't let her breathe. The neighbor stopped over for a quick beer because he was pissed at his W. My W acted normal and did not flirt once.

Yesterday I was mounting a TV on the wall in my bedroom. I was missing a tool so I went outside and saw my neighbor. I asked him if he had one and he said yes and went and got it. When he came back over my W went over to his house to be with his W. He started talking to me - he told me that my W has talked to him a number of times lately and he thinks we are going to be ok. He said she seems to really want to work it out. He said that she told him she just needs to get rid of this pit in her stomach and she'll be better. I was pissed that they were talking about all this so I said something to him. He said that she just walked over the day before and started talking about this.

She then calls and says that she is ordering chinese takeout for evryone. When she gets back my neighbor had already eaten but decides to have a second dinner. Because he and his W were over the boys wouldn't eat with us. All I could think of was that - here we are again. My W started acting a little different. She was talking about getting a tattoo just above her ankle (I almost had a heart attack - she would normally be the last person on the face of the earth).

I went to bed last night very sad. The highs and lows are just unbelievable. The boys seem very sad so i took them to breakfast this morning and went into work late. They told me that all mom wants to do is get rid of them and hang around the neighbors. They said that they are actually tired of this sitch and have had enough. They said they just don't care about her anymore. I dropped them at camp and cried my eyes out. I just don't know what to do.

By the way - I finally gave her the Sue Monk Kidd book - she said thank you and said she would read it.

mules...your neighbor is like a toxic cloud. To me..this still borders on an EA. Can't you find a tool from someone else? Who the heck is he to be telling YOU that your sitch is 'going to be OK'.

As noted previously, this sounds totally like MLC to me. The tattoo..the feelings of emptiness....etc. As someone said to me, this isn't going to be over quickly, so, patience is your friend.



Uh....no.
"I'm sorry you feel that way but I would never do that to you. The children love you and there is nothing in the universe that I could or WOULD ever do to change that".


That's a good move. That's called LISTENING. Listen more, talk MUCH LESS. They say early on that one of the best investments you can make in your M is hiring a babysitter.



mules...you're OK. I lost a lot of tears myself..in front of the PC...running in the dark at night....over my kids as they fell asleep. It's OK. You SHOULD let it out...feel your pain and grief. Don't ignore it.

You are doing the right thing...being here...etc. The more you grasp that THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU...that these are HER ISSUES...that MLC is out of your control...you will become stronger. As you lovingly 'disengage' from here...you WILL feel better. It may not be easier but the emotional drain will lessen a bit.

My advice to you is to start to give yourself some time. Go to a Starbucks alone and read. Get Levine's NUTS book or Grays Venus and Mars Starting Over. Get out for a few moments by yourself. Buy yourself something. Immerse yourself in the kids. Try and let the 'fight for your M' go for a bit.

FIB

Nice Post FIB, couldn't agree more.

I know i agree. It's a little different this time.She is talking to both he and his W, not just him. But she is definitely attached to them and would rather spend time with them than her family. She wants me to go on vaca with them in Lake George, just the 4 of us. We would rent separate places but be up there the same time.



Unfortunately, it comes and goes. Watching her blow off our children all the time makes it very trying.




I did say this to her at one point. My comment at first had a hint of sarcasm which i know was a mistake.




The problem is that she never wants them around - it's bordering on neglect. I'm much better at listening than I was when this started - I always think of you guys when she starts talkking so i keep my mouth shut.




Thanks - I have really noticed the kids suffering now. They are tired of this and tired of being sent away by her. It breaks my heart. I'm trying to get home earlier from work and I have been taking them to camp this week and getting in late. they really enjoy going to breakfast and hanging out before camp.



This is the one thing that I do get, thanks to you guys. It helps to be understanding. The problem for me has been that she seems to waver in and out of her old self a lot. The times when she is like her old self are such a tease. That's what ropes me in, because I miss her so much. I know the kids are feeling the same thing, I can see it in her eyes. Then the phone rings and it's the neighbor's W and the MLC alien returns and brings sadness to the house.





Thanks FIB - this is where I am right now. But how do i handle her making plans for us this holiday weekend , and the trip to Lake George??

Mules,

The vacation is a tough decision. Personally, I wouldn't do it. Her relationship with the kids continues to suffer and this is more of the same, running from them, to the neighbors, and freedom. The only difference is she wants to drag you along for the ride. I think she would feel completely satisfied with life if you were going through this MLC with her....becoming partying kids again. I wouldn't let her drag me into her personal hell.

I'd put her off in some way. Choices are:
1) "I don't think the timing is right for us."
2) "I would prefer if it was just us."
3) "I would prefer a vacation that includes the kids. They need this as badly as we do."

Just some thoughts.

As you write this stuff I can't quite understand it...mainly how she won't leave the house. And it's always that..."I can't leave the house.", not, "I can't leave you or the kids." Is that what she loves, the house? If you and the kids went away for awhile, would it bother her as long as she was at home? Is her preference for you to move away and leave her the home? It really bothers me that there seems to be something there that she can't leave....is it truly the neighbors? Do they have something else going on? I've seen that the seemingly "irrational" jealousy that spouses get in this kind of circumstance (ie "friends" or "just internet acquaintances") doesn't turn out to be unfounded. These two are fulfilling some emotional need that she has...which means you aren't. If you went on vacation, they'd still be there filling that need. She needs to learn to actually live without them.