Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? New thread, new phase?

Julia,

Sounds like an excellent 180 and a great place to build dialog and friendship together. It will also shwo that you are letting go of the resentment.

I know exactly what it is like to resent your spouses career (it is a lose-lose situation). I used to drop my W off at work drive another hour to my work then stop at her work on the way home and wait for her for a couple of hours. We did this for about 5 years. Then when we would go out it would be to social events or with friends from her work....I didn't look very happy at these events. I basically came to resent everything about her career because it was sucking the life out of us.

I do feel though letting go of the resentment has taken a burden off of me. It helps that she sees just what impact it has had as well. You are right though, these things are a 50/50 fault.

When I get in situations like this, I try to look at the positves. In your case, your H had bought you this nice bike...it wasn't in yet, but he did put some thought into it and you seem to be pretty proud of the bike. Also he was sensitive to how you were feeling and arranged for a pic-nic and a show when he saw the disappointment. This isn't to let him off the hook, but perhaps see the other side. A couple years ago my W's birthday tantrum resulted in me consulting a lawyer to eductae my self in the D process....not a good chain of events.

TwinDad, once again you have made some really helpful points, thank you I really appreciate it.

- I resent his job because it made him really tired and he was/is obsessional about it but more importantly it took his time and focus away from me. He uses it against me now too. That is why he doesn't text back etc. He knows that I resent it and almost holds that against me. What changed to make you not resent it now? Do you have any ideas about how I can stop being held to ransom by it?
- I am so proud of that bike; I love it and what it means. It is so me and he chose it without me hinting or anything, he thought of it off his own back. I wish I could have seen that last year.
- I'm really going to try and work on subtly making him feel appreciated again. He's a man who likes to achieve and he feels like he is failing with regards to me and 'can't live up to' what I want/ need.

Julia,



I think the first step would be to stop viewing it this way, that you are being help ransom by it. Lets face it, I don't care how busy his job is, if he wanted to text you back right away he could....certainly wouldn't take two days, this is a coice he is making, possibly because he is having a very hard time dealing with the sitch (afterall he hasn't run out and filed for D, he hasn't made great strides towards fixing the house, etc....he isn't done yet). I would also guess that is why he is burying himself in his job.....an escape/wall. I was afraid my W was going to do this when we seperated....fortunataly she didn't and it allowed her time to think.

Probably the biggest thing that changed was our M fell apart and we were on the verge of seperating. I figured I could play the chicken and egg game as far as who was right and who was wrong about the career and its affect on our life. We both knew we had a part in it. I just chose to end the vicious cycle.....to forgive the past and move forward. Letting go of resentment is a choice, holding on to it is usuallly a pride issue. I usually ask myself.....do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? Lately I have been going out with her work friends and having a great time.



It came from the heart......... As someone that has always put a lot of thought into a gift for my W I can say, having it rejected like that is very hurtful. Not saying he didn't have his part. One approach you may want to take is the appology route. Check out Ladybug's thread in sep....she did this and it has worked amazing. If he happens to bring up your birthday in this meeting. Don't be ashamed to say something along the lines "yeah, it made me think about the bike you got me last year, I really apprciated it, it was a very thoughtful gift" If he makes some remark about how you didn't react that way then, just validate his point, don't force him to take ownership for his part (he knows what he did, and you know he knows). BAsically say what you wrote here.



Excellent 180 and game plan, looks like you are starting to get some good insight into the problem as well!

I have definite pride issues TD! I think you are spot on in that respect. To be fair so does he... but you are quite correct, would I rather be right or happy and being right hasn't brought me happiness so far! I shall really think about what you have said.

Nothing like two very intelligent, stubborn individuals to really pull a M at its seams. Trust me, I have been there. My W was always told she needed to be a lawyer by her Mom because of the argument she could make about being right....my W has accused me of the same.....lol

Nothing like a constant barrage of logic to bring love back in the marriage......lol (used to be my mode of operation)

Hey Julia,

I'm so happy that you had a good birthday. What pottery item did you paint in the end? and the cake sounds awesome- you can never get too much of it on your birthday!

So are you and H meeting for breakfast tomorrow? I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that it goes well. I love the idea of making H feel appreciated, by the way.

(((((hugs)))))

L. xx

Well, I don't know where to start really. I'll try not to make this post too long. I'm exhausted and it's only 9.45am.

So we met up at the cafe this morning. H phoned me to ask where it was, which is unusual for him, and turned up a few mins late. Actually that was hard as I miss hearing his voice on the phone.

He looked better than before, although still fat, but no spots. I greeted him warmly he wasn't that warm but warmed up during the conversation. I kept an upbeat tone throughout. We exchanged pleasentries and chatted. He told me that he had suspended one of his co-ordinators at work and said it with real relish. He has always had a tendency to enjoy that kind of thing but he really seemed to take pleasure in it which I don't find an attractive quality. He then asked me about my work and I tried to engage him but it didn’t really work although he came up with some good suggestions at the end and I thanked him and said it had been really good to talk it through and that those suggestions were really helpful and I could see how that new approach could be really beneficial.

I let there be some silences while we ate and asked some polite questions about his sister and what he's been up to. He said that he was going to see the show Candide with his parents next weekend and I have to say I'm a bit gutted as I would have loved to have seen that. He musically directed once at the Edinburgh Festival so I know it means a lot to him and it was actually me a few weeks ago that pointed out it was on.

Then he asked what did I want to talk about? Actually at that point I had to pause as I suddenly had the most unbelievable urge to cry which I haven't done for a long time. I took a deep breath and said that at our last meeting he'd asked about selling the house and that I'd thought about it and understood his reasons and that if he wanted to go ahead and sell I was happy to do that.

He looked a bit taken aback actually. A few tears rolled down my cheeks which I tried to suppress but I was still smiling. He said 'but what are you going to do, I don't want to sell the house from underneath you'. I just kind of shrugged and said I'd be fine that actually maybe it was a good idea to sell because of the housing market and it was quite a lot of upkeep with a full time job and commute. Then I joked about the neighbours which made us both smile. He said 'but I know you love that house'. And I half shrugged (tears still silently flowing) and said that it was just a house. However, if he did want to sell it would he mind coming up and helping me with some snagging issues and helping me get it into a good state. He said 'of course, I wouldn't want you to do it on your own' then he said worriedly 'is there much to do?' and I said no (blatently yes!!). He then asked me, and this is really weird, if the house was ok and if I was coping with it. I said yes, but the garden was too much for me by myself. Thinking in my head that he hasn't given a s**t before now and has been no help even when stuff has gone wrong. I don’t think he was saying it to ease his mind that there was much to do for the sale it was a genuine question as to whether I was ok. He basically said that he wasn't free for a couple of weekends but maybe in 3/4 weeks time he could come up and help. This is going to be a long process then.

I have to say that I do really feel like there is no hope. He really doesn't think about me anymore. He had forgotten my birthday; I saw it in his face when it came up. He doesn't make any moves to contact me other than to do practical stuff in terms of splitting. I think I am going to go dark now and wait for him to contact me.

He also had a half price voucher for our meal and I asked where he had got that. He said he'd been to a branch of Giraffe 3 weeks ago. Who with? :-( Although he was kind and visibly upset about selling the house, he just doesn't think about me or the situation when he doesn't have to see me and that is so much easier for him. Life is good for him at the moment, he is enjoying his work again and has no hassles or responsibility outside of that. Why would he then put himself through the process of thinking about me when he doesn't have to? Therefore how will he decide that he wants me and wants to come home? Maybe this meeting will make him think?

I don't think I have succeeded in not making this a long post. I feel just awful now and now I have to do a days work.

Oh, and I also gave him a picture of the cat which I had done and he had said he wanted a copy when I last met him. He spent ages looking at it adoringly and said he was going to put it up at work. She was also the first thing he asked about. Runny he would put it up at work, he is kind of making that his home! He can't put it up at his parents flat really but Iwould have thought that putting it up at work would invite questions and is hardly the image of the tough single boss that he wants to portray. Maybe I am looking too deeply into that :-)

(((((((Julia)))))))

Sorry, the meeting didn't go as expected. Lets look at the positives:

- He showed some compassion towards you and the house, knowing that you loved it.
- He was readily willing to help sort the house out to set it up for sale.

Perhaps the actual act of selling the house will wake him up a bit. Maybe the thought of having the house there made him think...."he could always go home". It is hard to not go into these meetings without some expectations....but is better not to....we can only be disappointed. Overall there were some positives.

And if he hangs the picture of the cat in his office.......well I just don't know what to say about that......lets just say that people will start talking....lol Of course who am I to talk, We had no room in the storage unit for some of my kids stuff, so I have a 4' stuffed Giraffe in my Cubicle (and a Zebra) overlooking into the next cubicle....it is a jungle in here!

Hey TwinDad

I suppose the meeting did go as expected and in terms of my goals for the meeting everything was met.
- I was upbeat (apart from the silent tears bit but hey, we're all human)
- He was taken aback by my 180 with regards to the sale of the house (maybe it might make him think?)
- He is in no hurry therefore it still gives me time to DB and for him to see the positive changes in me.
- He agreed to help me with the house.
- I came out of the meeting being able to hold my head high.

I think what I didn't realise is that I would feel other things and throw up new things for me to try and process, or churn over again depending on how you look at it!

- This still makes me very sad
- I had subconsciously hoped that he would throw his arms round me and say that he was sorry, he loved me and he wanted to come home and we didn’t have to sell. Dumb huh!
- I still have strong residual feelings for him and hate to see him go down this road.
- I hate to have a failed marriage and I hate that I have lost him.
- It really hurts that he doesn't think about me, he has said this in the past and it has really hurt. I feel like I can't go dark, which proved results before, because of having to see him to sort this house stuff out and seeing him doesn't give him a chance to miss me. I suppose all I can do is show him that time spent with me isn't negative and to try and have fun even though we are doing really negative things like selling our house and eventually divorce.

Oh and the thought of your office makes me chuckle! lol! I suppose it must brighten things up :-)