Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Divorced, But Not Done What should I do at this point?

We were together for 13yrs; Dated for 8yrs, married for 5yrs. She dropped the bomb 3 weeks before Christmas of 2005. She called me at work, and indicated that she was going to leave me. At first, I wasn't sure what she had meant. I thought she said she was going to her moms or something of that nature.... I know that she was upset about the previous night when we had a fight about our childrens sleeping patterns....but I didn't understand what she had seid until she said it a third time. Of course I was shocked. I quickly said, wait a minute, I will be right there, don't go anywhere, let's talk about it. She said, if I don't get there in about 30 minutes or so, that she was going to leave.

I arrived, and I saw her at the kitchen washing the dishes ( That is an image I will never forget......) I arrived and I said what was going on...she replied that she wanted a divorce....I was shocked. This is someone that I knew that would always tell me that she would never divorce me, and if I would ever leave her, that she would just die. I pleaded, cried out of shock, you name it I did it at that moment. I asked her to sit down. We talked for a while, and eventually after begging, she indicated that she would give me another chance, but she felt that she would regret it.

Keep in mind that it was 3 weeks before Christmas....I was still in shock. I did not know what to do other than buy her gifts, say that I was sorry various times....mainly say and do things anyone would say and do after hearing your best friend / lover / mother of your children / wife say that she wants a divorce.

I had gut feeling that she might have been seeing someone for sometime. On our fourth year of marriage, I came across an e-mail from a ryan asking her to go out to a bar for a drink. When I had confronted her about this, she became very defensive about it, saying that I was spying on her....etc. I even came across an e-mail of her friends asking her if she was going to go, and even cheering her on to go out with the guy....

On December 30th, she left to go out with her sister. She indicated that she was going to be at her moms with her sister and such.... I called her from work that day...just to find out how she was doing....Her cell phone doesn't pick up....I call her mothers house. Her mother picks up and indicates that she had gone out with her sister to see NEMO on ICE. Then her mother said, "Oh, you didn't kknow, then she hangs up." ( I admit know that I over reacted, but I was still in shock of hearing DIVORCE ). So I got very angry at her, I called and left a message on her cell phone. She eventually calls back. I asked where she was at. She replied with my sister at my moms. I tell her that her mother told me she was out to see NEMO on ICE. She then admits....yes I am. That was it for me. lies, after lies, after lies....I was very upset, so I called the police on her...

After the police incident, she didn't come back. She filed on January 4th of 2006. I was served on January 11th.

I was devestated. I tried every thing I shouldn't have...I begged, cried, pleaded, promised...etc.

I looked up marriage counceling, divorcecare counceling. I picked up a book of Divorce Busting, and Divorce Rememdy.

During marriage counceling I have learned many things that I contributed for the marriage to fail. In DivorceCare group, I learned to cope with the divorce, and the outcomes of what to expect with the divorce.

The Divorce Busting, and Divorce Rememdy Books really helped me come up with a goal. I came to understand her perspective and what I was doing wrong......Well after 2yrs of Divorce Busting, we eventually ended up divorcing. Our divorce was final this month 06/08.

During the whole time, I really made some progress. She talks to me more on the phone. We talk like friends.

During the whole time, I GAL, I work out 4 times a week, I cleaned up my expenses, I became a better father to our 2 little girls. I started seeing our situation with a new set of eyes. Even after 2yrs of separation / divorce......I focused on me, not trying to get laid, a rebound relationship....just trying to get myself centered.

She tells me that she doen't have anyone else, but I still have this wierd feeling that she does.

I finally got the courage, to post my own thread...even after reading many others...

Mainly I need Help. Should I keeping trying...or should I throw in the towel. What should I do at this point? Please Advise.

Does anyone out there have any suggestions....any suggestions are welcome. I still want to try and work things out with my ex-wife...

Cade,

So glad you spoke up. We all understand; that's why we're here. Sounds like you have been doing a good job of GAL and just learning from your mistakes and improving yourself. Unfortunately, that is all you can really do at this point. To get what you want takes two. To get what she wants only takes one.

There are people here who have salvaged their M after the D had already gone through. You can probably find their sitch's if you have not done so already.

Live for yourself. Be a great Dad. Keep up all the positive changes you have been making. In the end, that's what it is really all about.

Thanks one_light. I am trying, and she has even mentioned it. She told me - "You keep trying...". I replied with silence, and letting her know that after she filed, that I made a choice - I could be sleeping around, looking for a rebound relationship OR I could go to a marriage counselor / DivorceCare group and find out as to why / what I contributed to losing my best friend / wife. She had no reply to that.

Yesterday I called her cell phone and some guy picked up and indicated who is this....I was a first shocked, but was aware that this could happen....I asked, may I speak with "K..." - the guy said that there was no one by that name... I called twice and the guy picked up twice...I shut off my phone and turned it back on. recalled her cell phone number and I finally got her voice mail box. I know that I may be imagining things, considering that I have called someone else and by accident called someone eleses number....way to go "Cingu....now AT..."

"K...." calls me this morning saying that she recieved my messages regarding dropping of the child support check. I told her about the phone incident and other guy picking up....she really had no reply about it other than she had been having problems with her phone. Do I believe her....not really, but I guess that is one of the things that bothered her the most - TRUST.

Anymore advise or any can help. Thank.

I know that it is hard not to obsess about the OM or whether or not there is an OM or who the OM might be, etc. In the end it is an exercise in futility. She is either with you or she is not with you. Does it really matter whether she is with some guy named Tom or some guy named Joe or with another woman or gone off and joined the circus?

Granted, where it comes to your kids, all of that stuff matters a lot. Where it comes to you, however, she is either with you or she isn’t. Try not to torture yourself anymore than you have to.

Just so you know you are not alone, I obsessively check the ex’s myspace to see what she is up to. It almost always hurts. I know that I shouldn’t, yet I still do.

Keep your chin up brother, this to shall pass.

Thanks one_light. I too also look at my ex-wifes myspace account. Hers is set to private so I only get the head lines. Her current one is - "K...is finally free". with a posting icon that says estatic. I know that I often think about other man or if there is another man.....I know I shouldn't be it happens, and when it happens, I tell myself that I am a good man, a great father, and an excellent person - She missed out on.

One_Light, I really tried. I focused my self on the divorce ONLY to be with my children as much as possible. I fought hard and got every weekend except the second weekend of the month - Friday at 9am to Sundays at 12 NOON with Holidays. I fought hard to have joint custody, but Judge gave ONLY Joint Legal Custody to both of us with her having school decision making. I alone did all my research regarding the divorce. I unlike her, did not have mommy by myside coaching me. I juggled between divorce and reconciliation - I never let my guard down and always followed Divorce Busting...I still have trouble sleeping, asking within myself if I did all I could regarding the settlement, and trying to reconciliate. Even though it has been almost a month, I feel as though I could have done more....Why? People tell me I did great...I pay minimum child support for 2 kids, I have every weekend except the second, I have a holiday schedule, I still have my place furnished, I still have money in the bank....I truly feel that I lost somewhere....Why?

Cade,

I am really sorry you are at this point. I have so been there. I honestly think your exW has OM. You just need to move on with your life. You really should be with a woman who holds her commitments sacred; your exW obviously does not do that. I know this is easier said than done.

I thought I really loved my exW for the 15 years we were together. It turned out she was not the woman I thought she was. The was the toughest aspect for me to handle.

Take Care,

NMD

Maybe you are right, she may have OM. What are the tale tale signs that she may have. I remember her telling me that I should find someone else a few months after she filed....OUCH!

I maybe still in denial, but again, from your experience what are the tale tale signs that there is another man.

I guess, I am stil hurt. I felt backstabbed by the person whom I called friend, whom I trusted with everything. I never thought of her to be how she is now. I know that I am putting everthing on her shoulders, and I do recognize that I contributed to why our marriage went south, I just feel that she could have at least have made some kind of gester or a word to let me know that we could make an effort to save our marriage; that WE could have done together to save the marriage. She would tell me that we didn't have anything in commom; then what about our children; we both love our children......Just a gester, just an e-mail, just a call to tell me, one moment in time could have saved our marriage.....just one.

Call me a simple romantic....I know that if she would have said....Let's try for our children....I would have not pressured her....given her space...shown her the new me....The man she marriad and looked up to. I know that she loves me. HOW? I see it in her eyes. I see this when I pick up our children, and drop them off. I try not to say much other than "HOW ARE YOU DOING".

Patience, Patience....you never know...

Tomorrow I am going to drop off the child support / daycare support we both agreed on. She maybe with the children waiting, or she may have dropped them off at daycare. I was thinking of asking her why she wanted me to see someone right away after she filed --- { as if I didn't care about our marriage and history together }. I was mad when she said that, but I kept my cool. I couldn't just go out and date someone out of the blue...or go out attempting to get laid. I know of many women whom have been interested in me before / during / after our relationship....I just wasn't interested, and I am currently not interested....

I was abusive verbally, physically to her....I recognize these and will continue to repent to what I did to her.....If she no longer wants to hear my sorries.....then I know that I have my entire life to repent by being a better father to our children, better man, better person....

I get flashes of what I did to her....I tell myself that she a least could have asked for seperation....not a divorce....

I know I am going out in a tangent....I am just relieving some tension....

I will keep on DBing...Patience...Patience..you never know...