I had to get 7 in there, even though I really am on #8. I feel the loss of my best friend as well. Since we had 4 kids, we relied on each other so much for what we did socially. We almost always did things as a family. We should have done more things as just us but all I can do from that now is put that in as a reference for the future.
Reading what you said lodo helped me realize that I probably carried this marriage most of the time. Perhaps he was working for the good of himself lately and not for the good of the family. You know "the needs of the many out weigh the needs of the one." (unless you are Spock and have just killed yourself for the entire crew of the Enterprise.)
However, I do need to let myself have me time and get out and do things without my kids. I need to be the best me for myself and for them. Selfishness within reason.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
The same went for us, kat. Puppy pointed out "enmeshment" to me. I don't think that I had ever heard that term before he mentioned it. It fit us to a T.
With all the family issues that she had in her past(mother had 3 different kids with 3 different men, inappropriate touching from dad whom I later find out is not her dad. She does not know this, but suspects), and my issue of parents always fighting, alcoholic dad who always stayed out at bars. We over did the family thing. In the beginning, we had a common goal of making sure our kids NEVER went through the things that we went through.
Living 25 minutes out of town also had an effect that I did not intend. The hill country was great to raise the kids, but isolated us from most of friends and family. Hard to find babysitter for our kids, too. We were all too attached.
I later discovered that it was ME and not her that really has been trying to keep things together. Nearly the whole time. Things were easy in the beginning. It was after the kids. She would say that it was her trying for years and that she just gave up. Untrue. Maybe its true that she feels like she never truly loved me. Like I was only the guy who was the stable one to love her and care for her and her 6 month old son. I was 30 and she was only 20.
With all that I have discovered about her actions these past two years, it is amazing that I would still WANT her as my wife. I have told her that I forgive her and that trust rebuilds, but really thinking about it, I just don't know anymore.
Anyway, I think if and when we can finally take ourselves out of the picture, like we really should, they are going to fall apart. Because Lodo is right. Our efforts are not appreciated and our niceness falls on deaf ears.
Sorry, I got on a roll. Thats what I do on my thread
BTW, a Trekkie fan? You are the whole package
Last edited by hopeful4her; 06/30/0801:06 PM.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
I had to get 7 in there, even though I really am on #8. I feel the loss of my best friend as well. Since we had 4 kids, we relied on each other so much for what we did socially. We almost always did things as a family. We should have done more things as just us but all I can do from that now is put that in as a reference for the future.
kat
My H and I never did things as a couple always as a family, and that obviously isn't good. I've really learned that from this experience, and would never do that again!!! But I think a lot of married people probably do that and they don't always have one of the spouses have an affair and want divorce either. So I think it is more than just that, but that certainly doesn't help.
But geez, I think I've learned about 100 things from this, grew up a little, it's important to have some "me" time like you say so we can be a better mom (and wife hopefully at some point) etc. This sucks but I think I did get a lot smarter from it, too bad there wasn't a way I could have learned all this without the pain though! Karen
just noticed I had a voice mail from H. I guess he called while we were watching a movie last night. I don't think anyone heard it, but he called my cell too. He did get ahold of the kids around 10:15 as I was heading off to bed.
He sounded so sad that he wasn't here enjoying time with the kids and that they weren't calling him. A slight lift in the fog, but I am sure he will be in the thick of it again now that he talked to them last night.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
He sounded so sad that he wasn't here enjoying time with the kids and that they weren't calling him. A slight lift in the fog, but I am sure he will be in the thick of it again now that he talked to them last night.
kat
Good! Glad he's feeling it!!! How long do you think he's been in MLC Kat? Has it been a couple years yet? Doesn't it last 2 or 3 years or something?
I think it can last several years more actually, but he has been there maybe 3.5 years. I remember him blaming the DUI on me, that was 4 years ago. We still may have a ways to go.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
kat: I do need to let myself have me time and get out and do things without my kids. I need to be the best me for myself and for them. Selfishness within reason.
good for you, we all need this. Boy I sure love my softball night (Wednesday) I haven't played in 10 years, part of my GAL, need to find something after softball, there is a good single parents club in St Louis, that schedules events with and without the kids. Find something you enjoy Kat and have some fun, forget about all this crap we call DB land
We all have a long haul ahead of us, good or bad it's the path we choose in life that's important.
M45 W41 M10 3/4 years D9, D6, D6, S5 OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08 Date I'll forgive W for A = never
I wish I could just forget it, but have made some great friends here and I have learned alot. I just wish we all didn't have to meet this way.
I hate going to movies alone but there is one at the $1.50 theater that I may take myself to. Maybe tomorrow night when he has the kids so that he will see me getting a life...
kat ps, Trekkie reference just has to make you smile!
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Okay, at the risk of painting myself as being even more of a geek, (although I am not really a Trekker/Trekkie -- more of a Star Wars fan) I often compare our "no-win" situations here in DB to a "Kobayashi-Maru" scenario.
