Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Piecing this jigsaw puzzle together

Quick update: We took last week off so the family went away for 3 nights. It was a good trip, with its stressful points (traveling with a 2 year old can do that to you!), but overall it went well. I think we're working together better as a team these days.

I still stress when I can't reach h during the day or when he doesn't call me. I wonder if he's where he's supposed to be or if he's off gambling or doing something else he doesn't want me to know about. This is a huge trust issue, which I need to find out how to deal with before I lose my mind. I'm planning on bringing this, and the porn issue, up in C next week. Also, he still has alot of stuff back at the condo, which he's supposed to be out of by the end of the month. That's bugging me too.

Despite those grumblings, we have alot of positives, so I will TRY to focus on those:
* we're going to C next week, after a 6 week break
* we've been working on redoing our bathroom together. It's going slowly (*&^*! wallpaper removal!), but I'm happy he is willing to help out.
* he's been helpful with cooking, dishes, etc.
* lots of hugs, handholding, etc.
* he's here and trying to work on us

I totally understand on the porn issue.

My H paid for dumb porn pics on his phone before we finally got M and moved intogether. One thing that I was very upset about because we needed money to pay our debt so we COULD M and move in together. Anyways...

I remember catching him in the act one night, and I totally acted like it was no big deal. almost joked with him on it. This was after DBing...before I would have gotten all depressed, and that never worked. I really don't think he does this anymore now, I haven't caught him in over a year anyways. and I think the reason is because of how I've changed, and because we DO have a better sex life now because I'm more confident again like I was when we met.

I think part of the problem your having is that your not feeling loved or wanted physically, and that your H is "having" to go to these pics to be arroused and why can't he get aroused with you? That's exactly how I felt anyways. And if my H would compliment me from time to time and let me know I look good, then maybe I wouldn't have been so jealous too.

So, my suggestion is to do what you did...act as if...and start working on your sex-life. What's holding you guys back on that? sorry, I have forgotten if you've already said.

glad to see you listing the positives though. It is so important.

Hi na-
I can relate completely to your trust issues. I had them coming into my M (my first H cheated and lied continually). After time, I finally begain to trust my H but then WHAMO!!! I don't know how I will be if my H ever moves back in with me. I feel pretty comfortable right now because his actions are showing me that he wants to be with me but I know those ugly thoughts will start popping up if there isn't a lot of consistancy. I know it will be something I need to work on with the C if my H and I make it that far. For you, I think the C next week should really be able to help you and your H deal with your trust issues...especially since your H seems to be willing to do the work...another positive.

Glad you had a nice family trip...and yes, I remember vacationing with little ones and they weren't very relaxing...oh well, maybe it is time to plan another little getaway with just your H if possible.

Hi ST- Thanks for commiserating with me. It helps.



I don't know what's holding us back, probably a combination of things.

Hey Upside!



That must have been really hard to trust someone again after the way your first h treated you. It's so hard to get past the lying. I want to trust him, I really do, but those doubts are always there, in the back of my mind.




We've talked about it and I have a friend who has offered to watch the kids for the weekend. We may go for our anniversary in Sept.

I think I recall that you were not initiating before, or you were holding back because he was hesitant. Is that right? Why don't you do a little initiating? It doesn't even have to be ML, it can be a sensual massage or something wearing a hot lingerie.

what kind of initiating have you done recently?

I've done a little initiating lately, but I get tired of being the one who initiates. I think he's afraid that I will reject him, so he doesn't try much. More to work on, yup, I know.

So, we have our first JC session in about 6 weeks on Monday. The last several sessions were focused on his feelings about his family, esp. since his father passed away in May. I'd like to spend some time talking to the C about us and I need some advice on how to bring up these serious subjects that are bugging me (my lack of trust, the porn issue) in the right way. Help? Suggestions?

Thanks so much, as always!

Hi na-
Can it be as simple as you bring up to the C that there are some issues that have been bothering you that you want to address?

I wish I had some suggestions for you. I have always been one of those lay all out there kind of people...I have just learned that I need to bite my tongue more often.

Good luck.

Thanks Upside. I've always had a hard time bringing up difficult subjects in C. I want to make sure that we use the time productively and h has a tendency to take his time and talk for awhile. I'm the more quiet one. I just want to make sure I discuss these things with the C while we're there. In the past, we've moved on to other subjects and I've felt like I wasn't able to get into the issues that were important to me. I'm trying to make sure that doesn't happen again.

We had a nice night together last night. I think we are connecting more physically, which feels like progress to me. I was at a point where I really needed to see some progress to motivate me and let me know that we're moving in the right direction. I'm so worried that things will go sour again.

I've been finding it hard to write an update. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because piecing is a lot less eventful (thankfully!) or maybe it's just hard to put into words how I feel. I feel like we've reached a decent place, a better place than we were a year or two ago of course, but not the final destination, not the place we both want to be. I do feel that we are on the right road to that place, however, and that makes me happy.

H and I are both trying hard to improve our R and it seems to be working. We had MC on Monday, discussed my trust issues. I think he was surprised that I had waited until MC to bring up the issue. C was helpful, talked to us about steps we should each take to try to regain the trust. Time is the biggest factor, I think. I didn't approach the porn issue since we were running out of time- maybe next time.

I'm glad to hear you got to some of the issues you are concerned about. The porn thing is going to be a hard issue to address. Your H is going to find it very easy to get defensive. So probably just stating how this is an issue that causes you to lose trust, or that its hard for you be intimate with him when you know he's looking at other women. IDK. It was hard for me too, and I'm not really sure what made my H stop. (well, I haven't caught him again anyways) But I know the last times he did it, I caught him doing a little more than watching and it shocked me and I said something like "geez, you couldn't wait for me?" kinda teasin and flirting. and instead of getting freaked out or sad about it, I just made light of it joking, and perhaps I even said something like, well if you wanna finish with me in the bedroom, I'll be waiting!

I really can't remember, but that's the last time I've seen him on it, and that was over a year ago.

I remember reading Michelle's thoughts about looking at the porn with them or something and it makes it less of an enticement to them. Although I don't agree with porn at all, and it's kind of hard to act like you don't care when your totally against it.