Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Hope4us struggle, part 6

Just checking in H4U. You are doing great. I like the idea of you moving, with or without her. You deserve a good life, just like your sons do.

Good luck!

H4U,

I just skimmed through your sitch. If I were in your shoes I would make this decision based on what you feel is best for your children. If you believe they will be happiest back in their hometown, then that's the choice I would make regardless of whether W said she wanted to come along or not. I don't know if I'd even bring up OM to her. You can just say you need to do what is best for your children. You can add that you personally would prefer the hometown as well. You can add that you have better memories back home and would prefer being there... and then leave it at that ... I'd do that rather than rub the whole OM thing in her face. She knows exactly why no one is crazy about living there and why they want to be back home. Better memories, old friends, no chance of OM going there, etc...

And then like you've said, telling her you wish she'd come along. Everyone will miss her, etc... would be good. But don't work too hard to convince her. If she is going to move with you guys let it be her decision. Otherwise, at some later date she could come back unhappy and blame you for talking her into moving, "Well you talked me into it, made me feel guilty, yada yada...."

My personal feeling is the move to be with you and the kids should be her choice entirely. No pressure...

I'm with ya ROOT.

I am making this decision based on what is best for myself and my kids. Both of them want to move home. It's not like this wasn't the plan anyway. My company gave me this field assignment so I could get the experience needed to move up and I was told it would last 2-5 years. Well, it's been almost 2 years anyway, if our marriage makes it and OM moved back here in 2 years we would HAVE to move immediately, so WHY NOT MOVE NOW?

If she does say she'll move I'm going to tell her I think it's best if she stayed if she's not coming with us for the RIGHT reasons. That she has to WANT to move because she knows it's the best thing for our kids and our marriage. If she's not moving for those reasons, I think it's best that she stayed here and figured out just what she wants in her life.

She knows I hate it here. I like it here, but I hate it for all it represents. And that's what her affair has done. She's taken what should have been a wonderful, exciting time for all of us and made the last year a living hell for all of us. But she still has the wayward, justified, entitled attitude, and it's getting to a point where I'm not sure I even want to be with her. And THAT'S why we need to move. Because if I stay with her any longer, I'll end up hating her and our marriage will not have a chance even if she figures it out.

There won't be any pressure. She can make the decision.

H4U,

I think you should be prepared for a wishy-washy answer from her. Not the fish-or-cut-bait one you're looking for, kwim? I think that's what she'll try.

Puppy

Oh, she's already trying to convince S16 that he likes it here. I know she won't just come out and say "Ok, lets move, I know it will be best for us".

That's why I'm going to tell her that unless she's doing this for the right reasons, I think it's best if we separate so she can figure out what she wants to do with her life. If she stays and our marriage ends, at least we'll be removed from the mess. Cause if we stay together, I'll end up being the one walking, even if she comes around.

Last night is case in point. Got home from work and no wife. She gets off at 4:00. By 7:00 I'm getting a little worried that maybe something happened to her. So I sent her a text that said "are you ok" and all she replied was "yes". Nothing else. She comes home a little after 8:00 and doesn't say a word to me. She'd been shopping, but why couldn't she just let me know she was going shopping/to dinner, what ever? It's just these kinds of things that reinforce that she's not ready to work on our marriage. How inconsiderate can you be to not even let your spouse know you're not going to be home after work.

And if we stay together and she keeps doing these type's of things, I'll not WANT to reconcile if she ever figures this out.

You need to CALL her on that sh&t.

What I'm saying is, let's say you say "Don't come unless you're doing this for the right reasons, I think it's best if we separate so you can figure out what she wants to do with your life."

And she says, "I'm coming, aren't I? Doesn't that tell you something? Please give me some credit here, I'm doing the best I can."

THEN what???

Puppy

Then I say, "It's obvious working on our marriage your way isn't helping. I've read a lot of books and talked to a counselor that specializes in recovering a marriage after an affair and I know what needs to be done to give our marriage the best chance at making it. If you're not willing to even listen/read what needs to be done, then it's best if you stayed here until you can make the commitment necessary for us to have a chance".

How's that sound?

So she went out for diner while you were at home waiting for diner and didn't bother to tell you? That's crap.

Then she says, "I didn't say I wasn't willing to listen. And I read stuff too, you know. This isn't easy for me, and I've tried not to complain, but all you've done is focus on you lately, and how this has affected YOU. Can't you see that I'VE been hurting, too??!"

She's still self-absorbed. She will try to make this about HER, you watch.

Just a hunch.

Puppy

puppy's right, she will turn it around on you, be prepared to what you are going to say to her... I have a few choice words...