Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Is it true?

((((SMW)))), ((((Lisa)))), ((((Jen))))), ((((Kalni))))!

Thanks guys for finding me here! I miss Newcomers. It's a bit like moving from the huge messy city to a small town. It's nice and quiet but you can't sleep because you miss all the noise.

Arahnid?! Black widow?! LOVE it!

ok, more drama !

Yesterday I've called my mother and found out that: 1. My H's old teacher N, who has become a very close friend and one of the most important people in my H's life has died day before yesterday.
2. That my H has found a job, apparently a very good one.

When I asked her how come she knows all that (and I don't) she told me that H has called her 30 min ago. I sat down and cried for the first time since I've got on meds. I loved N and his wife and they loved me and I couldn't believe that my H didn't bother to tell me about his death. Not to mention the new job.
The fact that he called my mother made it even worse, as both my H and, sadly, I, have very strong negative feelings about her.
According to H, my mother's attitude was one of the primary reasons (other than my own faults) why our marrige has shattered.

Well, I thought, I should call him anyway. I called and he wasn't home. I could have called on his cell, of course, but somehow I didn't feel like it.

After crying some more I finally sat down to write a post (long and whiny). I was in the middle of it when H has called. I said I'm so sorry about poor N and whether he has gone to see his wife, because I was calling and he wasn't there. From the way H said "No" i knew that he's been with OW. Gut feeling. Instead of asking him directly, however, I spoke some more about N and the new job and then asked him whether he is all right (he definitely didn't sound so).
After a very short pause he said: No, I'm not. Then he told me the story. It turned out he took heartbroken and depressed OW to see IC to help her get over him . She got on meds as well (what a lovely bunch of Nuts!). Something went wrong, though, and after taking her pills she fainted when about to get into her car, got a mild concussion and didn't regain consciousness for 40 min (or so she says). Of course she called H from the hospital, so he went to collect her. I couldn't help it and gave a muffled laugh. Don't get me wrong, I don't think that someone (anyone!) fainting and getting a concussion is funny but the whole sitch starts getting totally ridiculous. So far, he has been dealing - respectively - with her dying of pnevmonia, having nowhere to go, getting depressed, having concussion... What's next?

I couldn't help it and asked H: will it EVER end?
To which he replied: I hope so...

Now I don't really know what to make out of it.

Positive: H told me the whole thing on his own accord. And he didn't sound distant at all. Embarassed, if anything.
Negative: H is still entangled in the spider's web.

I know that NO CONTACT is a must thing, but I don't want to demand from H to stop seeing OW yet, for several reasons:

1. I don't think he is completely out of the tunnel. Which means, promise or no promise, he will see her.
2. I think she's panicking, which means she will start (continue) making wrong moves. H already has referred to the whole OW sitch as "horror".
3. I'm not going to be there for another two months and I don't want to drive myself crazy thinking whether he's sticking to what he's promised.
4. I want to show him that I trust him. Which I don't.
5. Am I a doormat?

Somehow I believe that the PA has ended and didn't resume. May be I'm wrong. I'm dying to call H and ask him directly but I think it won't do any good.

Any thoughts/comments are welcome!

Oh Stella!!! This woman sucks!!!! She is taking advantage of your confused and coward H. She is so manipulative!!! OMG, what a looser she is. Playing the victim here!! You have her number? I could easily give her a piece of my mind...

On a positive note, your H is telling you the truth. And just like you said, it must be very embarassing for him. So, he is trying to be straight with you. And I would even go as far and tell you he is asking your help in a way. This is time for planning a strategy. I wish I could have some advice to offer about it. I am just not sure that going dark is the best approach right now. He needs to see what she is doing and realise she is using his guilt to attract her back to him. What a low life...

I am sorry. Although recently I am not feeling very compassionate about our Hs, I really believe your H is trying and you must somehow reward and help him come through.

(((Stellitsa mou)))
K

Big hugs to you Stella....your sitch has some strong parallels to mine (I just found out a lot later than you) so I strongly relate to your list to the point that I feel a little ill. urgh....so I think I know how you feel. I hope it helps you to know someone else feels the same way - I think!

Hi (((((Stella)))))

I find some positives in your sitch.

1. H is honest without you pulling the truth out of him
2. You are a sane, healthy woman and the spider is totally nuts (bonus for you)
3. H is contacting your Mother (if he didn't want ties to you why talk to your Mom?)
4. he wants out from the web

I hope you can hang on for 2 months. I think it's best to request no contact when you go home. That way you'll be able to "see" if its true. Before you go it makes no sense because he can say whatever and then do whatever.

Relax and take some deep breaths

Hi Stella,
Thanks again for helping me find the writer of the post I reprinted. It was during the phase that you're in that I needed to keep the OW-thang into perspective the most. I, too, lived far away from H when we began piecing.

I think it's encouraging that your H felt safe enough to share the events involved in pulling away from the embarassment he almost lost you and his life over. While it's hard to hear, it means everything that he was open enough to tell you about it.

I remember when my H went through that phase of trying to tell OW that "Um, gee, you know that marriage that I told you was dead? Well, um, turns out that it wasn't really the way I remembered it at the time and I'm going back..." He discussed her reactions with me and as he asked me for suggestions, he stopped dead and said "I can not BELIEVE I'm asking my wife how to break up with my gf!" Those were just surreal moments. OW knew, on some level, that our H's were never theirs. The only thing that could justify their involvement was "winning" the prize. Instead, he chose you. As you rightly noted, she is in panic mode and your husband will only see her as pathetic and manipulative with each desperate ploy.

So yeah. You can't go crazy for two months. Trust will come with constancy. Just have faith, for now, that he's cleaning up his mess and learning how to peel the monkey off his back... I had the same problem and told him, after a reasonable amount of time, that she'd just have to find new friends to help her with her financial and emotional woes. But I had to hear about how he had to help her for way longer than I wanted to. Patience. I know you probably hate that word, but....

Dearest friends!

I went for a walk, sat on a bench watching the sunset and then came back home to find all your wonderful posts here! Thank you!


((((((Kalni mou)))))), actually, yes, I do. H left me his phone book a year ago and her number is there! I was never tempted, though. To listen to her voice.... EEEEEEWWWWW.

(((((Purple)))), thank you for the kind words of support. I will stop by your thread soon.



I totally agree, ((((Jen)))! Don't worry, I'll wait

((((((Deauxlie)))), thank you so much for your post! I actually looked up your old thread and I found so many similarities! You are such an inspiration to me. I wish I could go back in time to give you a hug and tell you that you're going to pull through...
I watch too many movies



That's exactly what I needed to hear. And it means a lot, coming from you.

I have to make a confession. I needed to find a way to try and cheer myself up, and I found that it gives me great satisfaction to imagine OW's misfortunes filmed Benny Hill-like, sped up and with Benny Hill music.

ok, I feel evil now :).

(((((((everybody)))))))

Hi Stella,
Thanks for writing to me last time. I am still in newcomers, but plan on moving over soon. I demended that my H stop seeing, calling and talking to OW, that did not work. He needed to stop it on his own. After I found out about OW he went to see her and then came home and then left again and I checked his cell phone records, he had been talking to her for hours and hours at a time!! He then called me on the 19th to tell me that he is coming home and wants to work it out. We talked a lot, about her, about everything. Still no sex (although I am not sure I want it not - part of me wants him to want it so I can reject him - not too passive aggressive) today we talked and I asked if he had been talking to her - he said no, I asked if she had called and he said, yes a lot but I am not answering and he said he loves me. I did ask if he ever plans on kissing me again (figured I would start with that) and he said of course. When he came home after deciding to end it with OW, he said he needs me to be patient. That was hard, we had a great sex life and now all I can do is think about them and why does he not want me anymore? I am trying not to take it personal (hard not to) but being patient. Everyone here tells me that intimancy after an affair takes time - trying to wait it out.
Oh yeah, at first I wanted to so bad bad mouth her and the one time I did he defended her so I backed off and he is begining to get annoyed with her and one night kept refering to her as a "whore" I just lisented, did not disagree, but did not encourage. I think my H and maybe yours needs to figure it out on their own. Hard to keep being postive and supportative when it hurts so bad inside, but I am seeing some baby steps. Hopefully we can keep moving forward. Tonight I said after I asked about OW, phone calls and what he is doing, "I hope you know that I won't be like this forever" and he said he knows and that he is going to be as patient as he can but becasue we never had that type of checking up on you constantly relationship he may get mad from time to time but will try not to.

Stella,
Sorry things are not going as smoothly as you would like - they rarely do when you first start to piece. Your H is obviously not completely out of the tunnel and still caught up in the black widow's web. But he has, out of his own accord, chosen YOU over her. He needs to slowly untangle himself from her web - it seems to be so much more difficult than anyone of us LBS can imagine. Hopefully, he will be able to do this over the next 2 months that the two of you are apart. In the meantime, since he is still in the tunnel, continue some of the DB strategies that seem to have worked for you beforehand. Be patient and try not to pressure him.

LMAO Stellitsa-mou! That's fantastic- I'm going to try it with aubergine substituted at the appropriate moments!!

You sound like you're doing amazingly well given how hard piecing is, and the web weaving of the Widow. You're totally blowing her out of the water though- she can try to ensnare him, but he's chosen you. Ha!

((((hugs)))))