Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Walk-Away-Spouse Would really like WAW your opinion

I know being an LBS i shouldn't really be posting here but in desperate.

My w of 9 years moved out 2 months ago taking our two boys with her.

Two months before that she told me she was leaving and was so amazed by my instant 180 that she agreed to give it a two months. Best two months of our relationship - communication - love - connection all great - but she said she was still leaving.

We communicated very well and I completely acknowledged and changed all the behaviours which led to her leaving. So much so she refers to me as "new" me. The changes were done for me.

I agreed with all her negative comment about how she had got to this place.

Main reason love died she says was my constant derogatory comments about her interests. She was adored in every other way though. She had been checked out of the relationship for over a year and was gob smacked that a person could so radically change ( I hadn't read DB at that time).

She said the change was too late and the spark was gone.

Three weeks after moving out she slept with another guy who lives 4 hours away.
She is a very honest person and i don't believe the om influenced her leaving. Hope i'm not being naive. She has seen him 3 times in 2 months. She says "he is on the edge of the picture"

She loves me, misses me, hates not knowing where i am going/doing, cares about me and we love spending time together.

She never wants me to hang up the phone or leave the house.

We get on really well and seem to find any excuse to spend time together.

She will not even consider working on our relationship period.

I am now actively not mentioning R and just having a good time with her or her and kids and waiting waiting waiting. Giving no pressure at all - not mentioning OM and just seeing where she goes.

Problem is i am being torn apart not being with her and knowing there is OM.

WAW out there- I really need someone to give me some insight as to what she is feeling/thinking. I;m honestly looking for an excuse to give up because the pain is huge. I have always loved her like no other and constantly told her that.

Thanks,

Hi everhope,
you don't have to apologize about posting here, constructive posts from LBS are more than welcome (my opinion anyway).

I was a WAW (you can read my thread in my signature below) - the wakeup call for me was when my H 'moved on' very quickly (10 days after i said i was leaving) and found another W who moved into our house.

It was a shock to me because i had spent years with him as the adoring H who would let me do just about anything - now i realize because he wanted me to stay with him - unfortunately we were not able to talk about it openly, a shared problem since i had trouble communicating my feelings and he (I think) would panic at the thought of even bringing it up. In addition i was poorly advised by a therapist who openly approved my PAs and seemd to be guiding me towards a departure.
My departure created a huge rift in our R (now that's not surprising isn't it? but i guess i had been with him in his 'adoring H' state for so long that i took him for granted, though i didnt'really love him, all that WAW MLC stuff).

Now i'm getting a MAJOR dose of my own medicine since i have ended my PA (with no EA either) while H is maintaining R with OW (he says EA and not PA but who knows? there is not much trust between us right now and i feel terrible and show it so he may just be trying to ease the pain for me by claiming no PA).

I deeply regret my actions and my (our) inability talk about this before i walked out. DBing was a huge help, as a result we are into piecing but it's very very tough (though much better than when we were separated), in fact i am experiencing a pretty major backslide right now.

Rather than provide you with 'an excuse to give up', I would encourage you to GAL so that you feel less torn about what she is doing when not with you. I find what you describe VERY encouraging about getting on well with her, she not wanting to hang up pohne, etc. Yes the waiting is REALLY REALLY hard, but absolutely essential. Patience is not my strongpoint, and i have to constantly read and re-read the books and posts about how important it is to be patient - time associated with our actions (180s, not talking about R etc) are critical in getting things to improve.

The fact that she doesn't want to talk about the R is not a big deal in my opinion - she's undoubtedly confused and not sure herself what to do next. Like i read in one of Michelle's books: "lovingly distance yourself" while continuing with your 180 and let her work out her feelings.
Bon courage like we say here in France!

the waiting is hard, maybe harder than hearing the 'news' for the first time.

What we are feeling, depends on the day and the situation, as I'm sure you can imagine.

Fear, confusions, regret, sadness, grief, guilt, relief, happiness, joy, contentment, .... you get the picture.


You can read some of my thread (click on my name to the left and go to view posts link that comes up)

Other WAW or almost WAW include

sandi2

anonymousjane

smartcookie

HopefulinCA was a WAW & now a LBS

You can find them on this forum fairly easily.

Keep doing what you are doing, sounds like you are on the right track to have the best chance to make a difference for your WAW & marriage.

everhope...the feelings you are experiencing are normal. I'm a LBH (the ladies here have helped me quite a bit). Read their threads. It helps to better grasp your W's point of view.

a good piece of advice....don't think about the OM. Don't look for the OM. It's not worth it. In this case, ignorance is bliss.

I feel your pain. I'm in the same boat, but have gotten a lot of great advice. Check out my thread if you want some of it!

Mamanpc,

Wow you have an interesting story. Although bet you would like it to be a lot less interesting about now. Sorry to hear you are experiencing a backslide.



EHope

Thankyou all for your comments and advice - they are really appreciated.

My wife popped round yesterday to get the boys - she spent 5 minutes making small talk as i was shaving in the bathroom and then continued while i got changed in the bedroom.

We then spent the day together at the museum with the kids and had a great time.

I went out yesterday night and my wife called me first thing in the morning to ask some mundane request and then wanted to know how the night went and was i away all night.

She seems to be persuing me for a change. Seems as soon as i stopped persuing her the roles reversed.

Although my wife loves me she says the spark has gone. If the things which caused the spark to die change / go away can the spark come back ????

My wife has said many times that know one will know or understand or care about her more than me.

She has also said that she wants to want to try at our relationship (but obviously doesent want to)

When I'm hopefull my pereption is that my bad moods have caused her hurt and pain and she has built a wall to protect herself.

The moods have gone (weird they went instantly the bomb dropped - i was always semi frustrated / angry and always restless and not satisfied) I believe it was always because my pereption of life and the reality of life were always out of whack. noting like loosing it all to align your perceptions of how you want your life to be.

My wife knows all this and agrees i have changed but says it's too late. Ladies further down the track than me - can my wifes perception change with time ? has yours ?

Thanks

EH

Perception of what? Perception of you, the LBS and your changes? Perception of what the R was? Perception of what an R with you could be?

Here would be my answers for my sitch.

Yes, somedays

Yes, I can see how it was through his eyes, somedays.

Not sure yet, somedays.

Was that helpful?








[/quote]

Some lines my wife has given me

- its cruelly ironic that now you are my perfect man and its too late
- I envy the next woman that gets you
- You will make a great husband for the next one
- Uses the reference “old me” and “new me” to differentiate the changed person
- I only want a platonic relationship
- Maybe we can be affectionate friends one day
- I still have to go no matter how much you have changed
- I should have left years ago
- I want to want to try at our marriage but dont
- No one will understand me or know or care about me as much as you
- You are a better man now that the one I married
- I can see all the good reasons for being with you but just don't want to be

I read the positive lines and always wonder why we are not together.

We had to AGREE to stop having sex and then weakened the following morning. She almost seems determined to end the R and is not able to back track.

I have my ideas why but can anyone in her shoes explain why she can say these positive things and still not want to try ?

Bridgestone,

Yes that is helpfull

My wife believes that once the "spark" has gone it cannot come back. What do you think ?