Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives Surviving the Big D Archives Too late for DB for us, #9 (was in separated)

Your H is re-writing the past. It is common, but he is particularly skilled at it. Your H has a very mean streak. I think you are the only person who doesn't believe it exists. Is he a scorpio? He is always looking for your most vulnerable spot and hitting you there. And you are always open to him and seem surprised that he's done it again. This is the same B@$t@rd who kicked you out on Mother's Day. Coincidence? Not likely. Perhaps he fears that nothing will stop you from trying to hold this marriage together, so he just keeps taking swipes at you. He will not be satisfied until you turn and run.

(((((cw)))))

Exactly what Sara said! He's rewriting history to fit his vision of the present. He has to justify to himself what he is doing.

I also agree, he is a mean one. He doesn't deserve YOU!

Today I realized it was soooo true. He's a Gemini, btw.

He's passive aggressive in his hits and plays his "caring" cards so well. I don't know why I expect his break to be clean. He told me he's done. More today than any day ever. That he just doesn't want to be with me. That somehow we just "ended up together" in our earlier relationship and that we never were compatible.

Here's the thing: I really did know all this. That he was done, blah blah blah. But him factoring back our cracks to the time we had kids just blasts me. I realize he (and we) are not the be all and end all. That is obvious. But when I'm told that I/our family was nothing from the beginning, I begin to have problems with it.

Of course you have problems with that!

There is NO WAY it's really the truth. It's his truth now, all you can say to that is. "Whatever!" He doesn't want to be with you, I think, because he needs to blame someone for why he is unhappy with himself. And you are the easy target.

((((((cw))))))

CW--
Just jumped back into your thread. I swear, who gives these guys these scripts? Sara was right, in that what he is saying is NOT THE TRUTH. You know the truth, you know that what you had was real. Do not let him take that away from you. He is doing mental gymnastics to make what he is doing ok.
You do not have to accept his perception. You were also there, in the marriage. Your perception is valid.

Try to finish the detaching part, as quickly as possible. I don't care if he says its ok for you to share--don't do it anymore. It is not safe, with the person he is right now. He will use what you say against you, twist it around to make himself feel better about his choices.

No more talk about the relationship. Stick with parenting and money issues only. Treat him as a business partner (even one you don't particularly like)--be cordial, keep it professional. Vent here, call a friend, talk to the IC--but not him. He is still where he is, and won't have a chance to ever face his regrets if you continue to be the foil against which he can spin these stories. Leave him in his own vacuum.

I, too, have a mean-spirited x. It is what they do to push us away, to make us want to hate them, thereby validating their decision to leave.

I only have a few months farther along in this mess than you, I think. Keep up that strong vibe that you started the tread with--go back and read it. Its what will keep you grounded.

Please, try to remember that this is not about you...don't let him stomp on your self-worth.

((((cw))))

Hi Cw,
I don't have time to post much because I'm at my cousin's house using his computer, but just wanted to say hi and also remark on how my H could have written the stuff about the impact on our kids--word for word! Mine does not seem to have as mean a streak, but he has also re-written history and has demonstrated a cruel and rejecting side I have never before seen.

It is a syndrome, I swear. It blows me away every time I read posts on this board--the similarities. Whether our H's will ever wake up and truly see how much hurt they have caused remains to be seen.

Hang in there, as they say. I'm right here with you.

Journaling. Really bad couple of days for me. I cry off and on all the time. Can't engage with the kids, can't shake this gloom. I know that it's all a rollercoaster and that I will go back up again, just hating where I am.

H is being suck a jerk it's becoming easier and easier to watch him walk away.

((((((((((cw))))))))))

More journaling...

So I'm sitting here bored and lonely. The kids are in bed and I have nothing to do. I don't have a book I haven't read, am not much of a TV watcher, most of my friends are out of town or busy right now and I feel very alone.

Alone is an OK feeling for me, but right now I feel lonely. I'm sure part of it was that from last Sat. thru Weds. I was in NYC with my sisters with barely a moment to rest and constant company.

I just want to move on. I can't wait to move out of this house, even though I'm very bummed to sell it, but really not looking forward to packing everything.

Tonight I found our wedding album, which has been missing for over a year. Turns out it was behind a stack of DVDs the kids and I got out for movie night. They wanted to look at it. I kind of did too. Yes, it made me sad, but didn't break me or anything. What do I do with it? I think I'm going to ask H to save it for the kids, I do not want it in my house.

I need a job, a new place to live, a new life. I'm not looking forward to the work that all entails and really just wish I could skip ahead one year. Will I be past the anger?

D7 said a funny/sad thing tonight as we were talking at bedtime. She said that she was sorry I was sad and that Daddy hurt my heart. I told her I was too, but that we'd make the best of it. Then I said I hope that nobody ever hurts her heart. She just told me that when her husband dumps her, she's just going to kick him in the groin. (Yes, she used that word.) Or his stomach, just after he ate a lot of food.

Funny because of the food comment, but sad that she already assumes her husband will dump her. I just said that I hope that never happens to her. She then told me that I shouldn't let anyone hurt me again. I told her I didn't plan on it, but that I didn't plan on it in the first place either. Then she asked if I still loved Daddy, if I thought he ever really loved me. I know these questions are very predictable, but man, it hurts. My S5 told me earlier today that he doesn't remember what it was like when Daddy lived with us, that he doesn't remember us happy to be together. How sad.

((((((cw))))))

Well, your D has the CW spirit!

The kids, they see so much, and know so much. And the WAS seems to think they don't see anything, and it doesn't affect them. I don't get it.