Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Trouble on the lake erie shore #3

THanks sandi.
yeah i don't know if there is an OM in the picture. My inclination is that there isn't. Anymore anyways. At first there was, but i've seen nothing of late.. of course, I wouldn't though. LOL. HOwever, friends of hers who know the sitch have said to me that it's done. I don't know. NOr do I really care to know.

Everything you've said makes sense. I haven't discussed anything with her in quite awhile.....the happiness thing came up because of the kids. The being "burned out" thing sounds most familiar to me..... in terms of her mindset. At least, I think it does.

I do have a question.....several of the WAW's that have posteds to me have said stop using logic when trying to understand things your W says.......here's my question..... Should I not try to understand WHY she doesn't want to be married right now, and just accept it? I think that's what you mean, but I'm not 100% sure.....

thanks

"That's b/c she sees you as being a man with a lot of self-confidence. She does not know how she has destroyed it by her actions. But, don't discuss that with her at this time. Don't do anything that looks as though you are trying to make her feel guilty or put pressure on her. It will only backfire on you."

I am pretty sure.. Sandi2.. Just said... be the Alpha male.

"I didn't go into about how she destroyed any self confidence i had..so i dind't think it too bad."

That right there.. is just Advanced DAM talk. You heard it.. thought about it.. and didn't say a word.

By the way.. ADAM.. is better than DAM.

Sandi2.. did alright.

"Should I not try to understand WHY she doesn't want to be married right now, and just accept it?"

If.. you walked up to a "hot chick" and asked her to dance.. and she said no... would you try to figure it out.. or move onto the next one?

Now.. I am not telling you to get another "hot chick".

Sometimes.. you have to stand out.. to get the one you want.

If you sit by the bar.. trying to figure out why she said no.

She may never show up.

Self-help books.. only work if you are willing to help yourself.

My two cents

Read this thread and can relate a lot. My WAW dropped shell four months ago and moved out with kids 2 months ago.

We were talking R A LOT (not going forward more an autopsy in her eyes i reckon)

WAW's see the changes for sure - i think they doubt they are real and consistent and also whether those changes are going to change how WAW feels. Are they done as a ploy or are they permanent ?

I'm damm sure my WAW is watching me like a hawk. She even makes comment if i do anything to doubt the change.

They need time to trust the change and even then I'm not sure if they already feel it's too late.

I changed quite radically over a very short time and i was';t doing it to get her to stay - it just all became real obvious real quick. My W said that i went through 5 years of self realisation in about 2 minutes.

My W also said it doesent matter how much you change - i still have to go. Bought me two months to really show her before she left and bought me 2 months of the the best times and sex of out relationship. (that pisses me a bit actually - why couldn't we be like that for the last 11 years ?)

OM in the picture now which makes it bloody hard work.

It's a real bad feeling knowing that the best thing for your marriage was the separation and knowing if you could only just pull the marriage back together it would be excellent - it's a damm big IF.

EH

The best way to try to figure out the WAW is to read what Michelle has to say about it. That is about as close to it as you can get without getting down to the individual stitch. I can understand your frustration and would be just like you if the shoe was on the other foot. But, I think you could drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out. If you can consentrate on following the DR principles and focus on what you can do to improve your life and try to get your mind off of "why" she doesn't want to be M right now.....you will progress faster and she will begin to notice faster. You know what they say about women changing their minds! Well, the fastest way to change her mind about being M right now is for her to see the changes in you. Easy to say.....harder to do. It almost sounds like a cop-out it is said so much on the board.....but it is the truth and it does work or it would not be repeated as often as it is.

Don't give up. It is the right path to take.

Sandi

I hope Michelle won't mind me giving out this information, but I have read two books by Dr. Steve Stephens & Alice Gray. One was The Walk Out Woman and the other was The Worn Out Woman. It goes hand in hand with what Michelle teaches and the two books go hand in hand b/c a lot of WAW's are simply worn out from the life they have....whether it is an unhappy M or stressed with too many kids and trying to work and get everybody to everywhere they are suppose to be. Anyway, the Walk Out Woman is a book really for the wife to read b/c it has some self-help tips at the end of the chapters, but it would be a good read for H's as well.

Hi Neil-
dont believe her friends bc she will tell them the same line.
my H told my bro the same thing but that was just another place of fear and protection for them...it isnt nice to hear either from another party.
dont believe any of what she says and 50% of what she does...hard one to swallow..it doesnt mean you dont acknowledge her feelings but just dont believe it. the ups or the downs...take them all in stride.

it is so hard to not get sucked into every word..but dont. it si too emotional and frustrating.

I think it is good she saw the book you were reading but dont make that a habit. i think it is good she can see you are working on yourself. i know when my H had books as he was walking out- i was happy to kow that at least he may find some peace and do some self refelction...so your W may think this too..


have a great day! Pisces

Yeah thanks folks. I appreciate it.

EH...my W always points out when I slip up around her and revert back to the old things...and occasionally acknowledges the changes...LOL....kinda funny actually.

another quick question...DAM means dumb a** male, right? and Forrest, is that a good thing or a bad thing that you said to me? I'm not sure.....

LOL

no seriously........good or bad?