Definitely don't talk to him then. If he needs something from you then can't he just email or text it to you? It's a lot less painful than hearing his voice.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Hey, hope the rest of your weekend is good. I'm expecting great stories from your "doing not stewing"! I get to work today but I'll drop in and check on you.
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
I read this in my book of daily meditations and wanted to share this because it resonated so deeply.
Achieving Harmony
When a pianist learns a new piece of music, he or she does not sit down and instantly play it perfectly. A pianist often needs to practice each hand's work separately to learn the feel, to learn the sounds. One hand picks out a part until there is a rhythm and ease in playing what is difficult. Then, the musician practices with the other hand, picking through the notes, one be one, until that hand learns its tasks. When each hand has learned it's part -- the sound, the feel, the rhythm, the tones -- the whole piece comes together in harmony and beauty.
When we begin recovery, it may feel like we spend months, even years, practicing individual, seemingly disconnected behaviors in the separate parts of our life.
We take our new skills into our work, our career, and begin to apply them slowly, making our work relationships healthier for us. We take our skills into our relationships, sometimes one relationship at a time. We struggle through our new behaviors in our love relationships.
One part at a time, we practice our new music note by note.
We work on our relationship with our Higher Power -- our spirituality. We work at loving ourselves. We work at believing we deserve the best. We work on our finances. On our recreation. Sometimes on our appearance. Sometimes on our home.
We work on feelings. On beliefs. On behaviors. Letting go of the old acquiring the new. We work and work and work. We practice. We struggle through. We go from one extreme to the other, and sometimes back through the course again. We make a little progress, go backward, and then go forward again.
It may all seem disconnected. It may not sound like a harmonious, beautiful piece of music -- just isolated notes. Then one day, something happens. We become ready to play with both hands, to put the music together.
What we have been working toward, note by note, becomes a song. That song is a whole life, a complete life, a life in harmony.
The music will come together in our life if we keep practicing the parts.
Today, I will practice my recovery behaviors through the individual parts of my life. I trust that, one day, things will come together in a full, complete song.
Great.. loved this.. thanks so much for sharing it!!
BTW.. I totally get the constructive deconstruction... closets, drawers, desks, cupboards. Taking all the chaos apart, pulling out the pieces that don't work & pitching them, putting things back in a way that makes sense & is useful, just seems to be cathartic & symbolic for other places that is lacking in my life!
hope your day is good.
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
I like the 'emotionally disconnected' selection. Did it happen to both of you.. or is hindsight the indicator?
I still have to toss things, get moving. Wallowing seems to be one of my fortes... kind of the ultimate stuck in the mud kinda gal. Thoughts of "how am I going to ever meet anyone else" flit through then I remember.. oops.. gotta get my act together before anything else.
Tonight my sister-in-law called, inviting me and the kids to a BBQ over the 4th of July weekend. The whole family will be there. She hadn't asked spouse who only talks about how wonderful his girlfriend is. She asked me not to tell him or have the kids mention it. I wasn't comfortable having the kids feel pressured that it's a 'secret'. Spouse is very good at intimidating others. In the end she agreed to what I needed. I've had my fill of secrets.
She told me that her family will always consider me part of their family, that I am the one raising and parenting the kids.
So much of this time has been spent in self doubt, feeling like what I do accomplish isn't enough. As I talked to her, I was open about not wanting to get caught in secrecy.. either for me or my kids. What I do, we do is our own business, but I'm not going to restrict the kids from saying things to their dad.
It was then I realized I've changed.
I knew what I wanted, needed. I was open about it and communicated my concerns. I didn't worry about being rejected, found lacking.. anything.
It was a great feeling to address an issue and feel comfortable about it.
I'm carrying this new found awareness with me as I move forward.
Neat.
*hugs*
PS.. Moving to "Separated" is also a way of accepting where I am. Maybe it's feeling tired(?) or being in the present. Work on me, the rest follows.
cookie asked me about my relationship with my mom. I started typing, typing typing... I don't know if I answered the question. While typing my 18 year old came in.. and we chatted. Rather.. I listened, he talked.
I told him about the invitation, that his dad hadn't been invited (mistake.. putting son in a bad position?), that his grandmother, aunts, uncles and cousins would be there. He thought it was messed up that they didn't invite his dad. I explained it was hard on everyone, that they wanted to be able to see the kids. What I do, we do is our own business but it's not a secret. His dad is also very good at intimidating other people. (mistake.. bad mouthing?)
I left the decision up to him if he wanted to go or not. He kept telling me about what's been going on.
I'm almost thinking that it would be best if just the kids go to the BBQ. Either of my sons is capable of driving up. If I don't go then that eliminates the strain for the kids.. if there is strain for the kids.
Would this be bowing out.. or making it even more complicated?
Doing some way-too-early in the morning to be awake surfing here and again, your words just stopped me...
Quote:
think this shows the whole picture. I'm not in this position solely because of the marriage tanking. I'm stuck here because of lifelong coping skills which don't promote growth. Getting stuck, frozen in inaction, needing others to define my self worth all work against me.
So, I keep what works for me with DB. If working some of the relationship techniques puts me in a stuck position, it's not the time to do them. I have to work on me.
If I improve who I am, everything else follows. The better I am, the better every relationship in my life will be. My marriage failed. It failed because of how each of us approached it. Can it be saved? I don't know and am not going to focus on that. Can it be resurrected if I hold onto what doesn't work? Can I change his point of view? Nope to both.
All I can do is improve. Let go of the crap.
Work on what works. Let the chips fall where they may
My God, this can't be your life, because it's absolutely and totally my life , my almost 50 years "how the h*ll did I wind up here" life. Which, for as smart as (rationally) I know I am, I feel so dense in still feeling 'stuck' so much of the time.
Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. I've been so busy looking down, I never realized I was part of a group.. the Sludge Stuck Stumpers.
Today I had a home inspector through to give me an idea of what needs to be done to the house, what has to be dealt with. I wanted something in writing so that I don't get hassled when it comes to taking care of 'need to do now' repairs. I'd rather fix things in the house with a pre-divorce income.
So, that was a big to-do crossed off. I'll get the written report tomorrow, talk to a realtor friend about what translates best for the house. With that knowledge I'll approach the lawyer or shazsplatt (getting tired of calling him 'spouse', 'guy I married', 'Kevin'; I am not up using initials) with all my ducks in a row.
"How can you heal when you can't stand the hurt?" came to me last night when I was writing.
At first I applied it to shazsplatt.. that he could only go so far. It's so hard when things are unsettled because history is rewritten, perceptions are whacked out. All I know is that he hated counseling and would never go, except on occasion with me. The counselors would ask me why I was intimidated by someone who loved me so much. Then again, he was telling others how much he loved me until a week before he left.
I figured he didn't want the hurt it takes to heal.
I turned the tables.. I sure don't like the hurt, the fear, the uncertainty that goes into accepting the REALIZATION that what I took for granted, my marriage, is gone.
I have to let myself feel it all, not get muddled in it, and keep moving. Slosh on through. It doesn't have to be perfect, just keep sloshing.
I know my faults all too well. Time to start polishing where I shine and taking a leap of faith that things will be better.
And I don't even need to figure out what things. Just do.
I've been proactive in house repair issues, with the AC and a home inspection so I can prioritize what repairs need to be done ASAP.
I felt myself regressing to the cower in the cobwebs persona because I was afraid someone got angry at me.. maybe even a few people did. Guess what.. I faced it, posted about it.. dealt with it. That felt positive.
So I gather my wee crumbs until I can make a bread ball.
, my almost 50 years "how the h*ll did I wind up here" life. Which, for as smart as (rationally) I know I am, I feel so dense in still feeling 'stuck' so much of the time.