Well, I took all your advice to heart...and spent some time considering exactly where my heart and head was...and today, I ended it with BF.
He did not take it too well, although he also expected it. It was difficult...very difficult...to hurt someone that I care about. He's a good man, a very nice man...for someone else or for some other stage in my life. It just didn't feel right for me, and the bottom line was that I was having these warning flags setting off feelings in my gut that said this is not going to work. And he wasn't making it easy by always wanting more than I was willing or able to give...I don't know truly know which came first - my feelings that it wasn't right or my resentment of his demands on my time - but bottom line, it just isn't the right combination of factors for a successful relationship.
It makes me understand so much better why my XH relied on fighting and anger to make the break. He and I had been together 15+ years, not just a few months, and had a life and family together. And you know, I always knew he loved me, even as he left - that is why it was difficult to accept. Anyhow, I can't imagine what XH felt over hurting me, so he picked fights to keep the anger going. That's the easier way out...chicken sh!t, but easy.
I didn't want to drag it out until we hated each other, with me pushing him away but not really ending it. That is what causes a lot of resentment and hurt, in my opinion. And not fair to him in any way. Anyhow...I feel sad but peaceful. This was the best choice, for now.
Thanks for all your advice, friends...it helped to clear my head and reinforce that what I was feeling was valid.
You did what you had to do for you and that isn't always easy. You are at a place where you can do that. How would you feel if you let this go on knowing how you truly felt? That's not even taking BF's feelings into consideration and how it would have hurt him. This is so different from what your husband did and I can't even wrap that comparison around my brain.
In fact to say that "you did what you had to do for you" sounds like such MLC bs that I can't believe I said it. We both know that that was distinctly different in everyway. Your ex had way more to take into consideration besides himself. The problem is that he put on the blinders and kept himself from looking back to see what he was leaving in his wake.
This is your time to decide in what direction that you need to go to have a happy life. Taking somebody along for the ride just to fill a void, in the long run would only affect you and BF. I'm proud of you. You done good!
I know, Beth, thank you...I know it isn't the same...I guess I didn't make myself clear, but my mind was wandering a bit! I think it just hit me today, what XH must have dealt with to an extent. I mean, I found it hard to hurt BF this way and we only dated for 6 months...never committed, never had a family...never co-mingled our lives. It hurt me to hurt him, no matter how much I feel peace with this. I just can't imagine hurting a partner I had been with for 15 years! And hurting my kids by leaving their parent (and them). And I KNOW he had no peace of mind in knowing he made the right decision - he had his head so messed up he had no clue if he was right or wrong. I guess that's what I meant by that.
I know XH was (is still sometimes) a schmuck...but sometimes I wonder how hurt he was by all this. In the thick of the divorce drama, I didn't even consider what he was feeling - after all, it was his choice and he could have stopped it any time up until he married OW. I was too wrapped up in my own pain and my fear of how I would make it alone...and too angry at him for walking away and leaving me to handle what was supposed to be "our" family. But I wonder where his mind goes when the night is quiet and he is alone...I sometimes wonder how often I cross his mind and in what way he remembers me. I wonder if he looks at OW and is thankful she is there instead of me, or has remorse he took it that far. I have no way of knowing, of course...
He did tell me that the Toby Keith song "Blue Moon" was one that makes him think of me. He married OW the next month, though, so I can't read too much into that.
I know my choice about BF was best. It wasn't easy though, and I may second-guess myself for awhile.
In an ironic twist...tonight I received an email from a man that was in the returning adult college program with me and we graduated together last spring. I had seen him in the retail store where I work part-time about 6 weeks ago. He told me that he has been stopping in the store once a week since then trying to catch me - and that he would like to get together for coffee, if I was interested!
Not sure yet if I will go...he is nice and I always thought he was interesting...but I'm feeling a little battle-shy right now. We'll see. Isn't that strange timing, though? Six weeks ago, had he asked then, I would have told him I was seeing someone...
But I wonder where his mind goes when the night is quiet and he is alone...I sometimes wonder how often I cross his mind and in what way he remembers me. I wonder if he looks at OW and is thankful she is there instead of me, or has remorse he took it that far. I have no way of knowing, of course...
VJ39,
I am willing to bet most of the WAS second guess their actions.... However, they are soooooooooooooooo full of pride they would never admit it to their friends or family.........
NMD
Last edited by No_More_Dodo; 07/02/0812:34 AM.
"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last --more than passion or even sex!" - Simone Signoret
I don't have much to add. I know exactly how you feel. My BF and I are still hanging in there, but I had ALL the same emotions that you had about hurting someone last week when things were really rocky for us.
You did the right thing.
Hugs,
Spitty
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
Thanks, Spitty...hang in there. At some point, you will know which way to go. I know that doesn't give you much comfort now, but it worked out that way for me - it just dawned on me what I had to do.
