Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Walk-Away-Spouse I am the WAW...

Oh, noo. I truly love my H, but he doesn't see that. I so much want "us" to work together, in harmony like we once did, but that means he has to rebuild his priorities... ie, marriage first, then children, then career... something he doesn't get yet. It also means that I have needs too, but he doesn't want to recognize those. I want to be heard. But if I dare talk about how I feel, he criticizes me, rather than supporting me, or even something as simple as a hug. I feel like I am always being judged.

What I'm afraid of is we have nothing to keep us connected. There are no children between us. So, while I sit here, he's just going to go on his merry little way, in this cloud of bitterness, resentment, denial and pass it on like it was me all along, and 'live for his kids', turn himself into a martyr.

BTW:

"I know he's angry, but I don't understand why he's angry at me."


I too behaved as if there was some kind of conspiriacy against me. I feel I am a very good person, but also a prideful one. I realized I might not be perfect, but my own ego would not allow me to fully accept just how awful I could be at times and as result would seek to blame others for 'creating' this behavior in me, as if I was reacting totally normally for someone who felt his buttons were being pushed.

So I would (in my mind's eye) blame her and say its the way she communicates to me that results in my poor behavior. But I now understand only I can determine how I am going to react to any given situation. How I react to anything is my choice alone. Its no one elses 'fault' if I cannot handle hearing things I dont like/want to hear. No one's fault but my own.

So for me, it was an ego issue. A pride issue. A refusal to take ownership of my own issues because I had an inflated sense of self. My underlying insecurities would demand I create a false illusion of control and power. And for each attempt she had at trying to help me (cause I now understand thats what she was trying to do) I felt like she was trying to take control of how I felt/thought and to my ego: that was fighting words so I would react hostile

Reexamining myself and the way I can react to adversity was a very eye opening and extremely humbling experience.

But I am a far better man (and father) for having this experience.

I just hope I can get things back on track because I am convinced things can be so much more beautiful than they ever were. Its bittersweet to realize that you finally have started to arrive, to finally have that enlightenment, its very exciting! But in the same light, knowing it may be too late for my partner to believe in it, is very painful.

My wife has expressed that very concern as well. But we have a child together, and thats not quite enough. It has to be connections between us, not proxy through our child.

She frequently says we dont have enough in common. And while I can agree that there are many differences between our personal interests, I am trying to value the diversity these differences bring to the table.

I can admit though, I was critical of many of the things she enjoys, therefore alienating her that much more.

But I feel we have the most important things in common; parental philosophy, spiritual beliefs, political beliefs, morals/values/ethics, and do share many common interests such as outdoor activities and health & fitness.

I feel so awful for crapping on the things she enjoyed in the past. I would remind myself about how I felt when I felt she was crapping on the things I enjoyed. Its not cool. The least one could do is humor the other (within reason, its OK to say you would like a change of subject)

But more than just humor her, I want to SHARE with her. I want to discover new things for the both of us to explore together. I want to learn to appreciate the things that interest her, because I only stand to become a more well rounded and diversified individual if I do. (and vice versa)

I am nowhere near as concerned about a lack of connection as she is because I feel its one of the easiest things to address if we ever get to the 'piecing' phase. I am so willing and able!





OK - so have you had any communication with your husband that might indicate he has any sense of remorse, confusion, or heartache over this situation? Because I was so similar, I cant help but to feel he does. Now will his ego allow himself to share those vunerable feelings with you? Thats the million dollar question. Unfortunately its up to him and him alone to desire change. And if he still geniunely feels he is not in the wrong for his behavior, he still has yet to try to climb this mountain.

Being a cop, I could only imagine his day to day job experiences leaves him little option but to 'harden' himself.

Hopefully he may one day (and soon for your sake) come to the realization he can be MUCH stronger if he works on himself rather than just throwing up a front. Overcoming one's ego is not an easy thing to do.

Oh, my god.. what are you my husband! LOL!!!

I have to applaud you. You truly have come a long long way. I really hope your wife can see the strides you are overcoming. I wish my husband could/would. But it's up to him to want to do so.

There has been absolutely NO communication what so ever. Nothing. Zip. Nada. Zilch. Normally, I'm the one that buckles and breaks the silence, and like a whimpering dog with my tail between my legs 'goes back' to him. And he pretty much reams me the same ole, 'It's my fault' routine every time, never takes any responsibility for anything. There's always some "but" too, diversion tactic. How selfish of me, how immature I am, blah blah blah. However this time, I am to tired.

Yes, his job is demanding, and I understand that. I could tell by his day what kind of day it was going to be by greeting him at the door with a Hello when he came home. And usually based on that, and most often I would leave him alone, otherwise be caught in the line of fire.

It's so depressing when you think about it. I know it's an ego thing, totally. I just don't know what else to do. The truth is, there isn't anything I can do. It's up to him now.

One of the great things about this site is to understand just how many other people have similar problems. It makes one feel a little better realizing that what you are going through is not a totally unique situation and there are ways to overcome it.

We are all a part of the human fraternity, is it really so shocking we can be similar to one another?

It sounds like your husband is still upset with you for leaving, so if he is still upset with you then he still doesnt understand what has happened in his life. I remember that feeling well, not understanding what the hell was happening to my life. The absolute lack of control I had over the situation was impossible for me to accept in that state of mind. Not understanding how she would walk away from such a great guy. It was hard not to be upset with her for being so 'selfish'

I can see your point of view about not wanting to be the one who makes the 1st move, only get verbally lashed at for doing so..

It helps me understand my own wife's reluctance to take a step closer towards me. Its hard not to have the preconception that the result of your effort will end painfully for you after its happened that way so many times before.

If there was some sort of magic powder that could make our respective spouses come to this forum - that would be so helpful.

She WANTS to leave and is totally convinced she will be very happy. You HAVE left. Are you happy? I realize you are 2 different people, but again, our situations have thier similarities. I know she could relate to many of the things you have said as she has said very similar herself.

And likewise, I can relate to your husband because I behaved very similarly, so I imagine the root causes of the behavior are similar as well. And I am pretty sure he is not ready to have you tell him his ego is his own worst enemy, he likely will feel attacked and respond as such - at least thats how I would react when my wife used to try to bring that to light.

Hmmmm.....

Maybe we could find a way to give our respective spouses a copy of this thread and see what thier take is on it?

But I am not sure if thats a good idea or not.

Am I happy, no. I'm not. I know that this was the choice that I made, and I must live by my choices, but it was the best choice at the given moment...

Have you ever told your wife... She was a horrible mother? A horrible person? a horrible wife? I have heard all those things, and as miserable as I am, it still cuts too deep for me to have reconsidered my decision. I made the best decision I could under the circumstances.

Your wife needs time to heal. She's afraid too. I can relate to her. The best that you can do, is prove to her that you are a gentle sole and it sounds as though you are becoming that.

If she has not left, what do you suppose keeps her there?

He may be waiting for this. For myself, it was when my wife acted diffently than she did in the past that really helped me wake up. She has expressed her unhappiness plenty of times before, and after my song and dance would 'cave in' and give it another shot.

Well this time it wasnt happening. Nope. Nada.

Thats when I started saying "whats going on?!?!?" clearly understood things WERE different and I was not only in jeopardy of losing her, but I HAD lost her entirely. I would go back in my mind trying to figure things out and nothing made sense.

But this site really helped change all that. I had tears of joy when I would read situation after situation that I could relate to. I knew this problem of ours really wasnt so unique after all. I knew other people had similar issues and reading about how they tried to address them (successes and failures) was very educational to me.

So I started trying some of the suggestions I would find here. And..well...they are effective, almost like to the script. Thats when my confidence and determination to win my wife back went through the roof. I knew I had the blueprint and I had the desire. I knew it could happen. I knew the 'impossible' was entirely possible.


People who speak with my wife think I am out of my mind. Think I need to stop being in denial and accept that its over and there is no shot at reconciliation and to move on with my life. But they dont know/see what I do.

1st thing is, your husband needs to understand what a 'Walk Away Spouse' is.

2nd thing is, he needs to take ownership and accept his role in creating the sitation and stop being a baby playing the role of a victim. I look back on my behavior when I acted totally victimized, totally innocent of things and convinced it was my wife who was just a super-mega-bitch and couldnt see what a great guy I was...

...embarrasing. Childish. I cant believe I was honestly buying the BS I was selling myself. I am smarter than that, right?

Wrong. I am a human being. And I am not perfect.

Its tough to look in the mirror and admit that you arent quite the man you tried to sell yourself as.

But in the same light, if there is any self respect and a desire to geniunely be the best human being you can be. It can get a lot easier. You learn to forgive yourself, love yourself.

Then you learn to forgive your wife, and the false image of that super-mega-bitch falls into the gutter and you see that shining and remarkable woman who makes your knees knock.

Yes, I am in total agreement with you. But there's one problem... he's not here to read this, it's me. It's like, yes, I'm nodding my head to everything you're saying. Yes, I can see this, you can see this, we are in agreement, but...

How do you get someone who is so blinded by their own ego to see it?

Patience, patience, patiences, that's all I've got, right?

Well, I can understand that. And that is what I fear for my wife. When I bring up this fear, she behaves as if its just wishful thinking on my behalf. :-(




I have said all of the above. Not so much the bad mother thing, but I have said everything else. And I said much much more too. Extremely hurtful things, horrible names. Just a demon on earth at times. And she is such a sensitive girly-girl. I mean..wow. What an ignorant bastard I was.



Yes, she does admit being afraid to believe in me again and go through all her pain all over again. She made a promise to herself to not allow herself to continue in this cycle. The idea of giving me another shot is heartbreaking to her as she feels she would be betraying herself by doing so.

The thing is, the cycle is over. Its totally over. She can finally have everything she truly wanted from this relationship - all she has to do is take it.

But I cant blame her for being reluctant. But there is no question she can smell things are different. It sends her head spinning at times and she tends to withdraw. A little upset, perhaps 'why is he doing this now? why did he let it get to this point before doing this?' coupled with an intense desire to honor her own personal commitment to herself to finally leave this all behind her.


The only reason she is still here are due to economic siuations. Once they change - she is gone. I am trying my best to make the most of this time in hopes I can win her heart again. Its been 6 months that this has been going on.

I am prepared for her departure. I am prepared because I feel like I can now look at myself in the mirror and say that I honestly did everything in my power to prevent it.

I can accept loosing. I cannot accept quitting.

But thats the thing. It is POSSIBLE. It CAN happen!! Will it? Thats up to him. But its inside him..you know it, and I know it.

How to get him to see it? Who knows. You say you havent spoken with him in 3 weeks?? So no idea exactly where he is at. Can speculate over past behavior.

But personally, I am tired of being compared against my former self and assume I am the same guy. I am not.

He may not be either.

But I still 100% understand your reluctance to cave in and be the 1st to make contact. He very well might be waiting for that with the same BS as before.