Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Trouble on the lake erie shore #3

You are doing great Neil- I really am impressed with how much you want to change and learn. That says a lot about you!

i'm trying pisces. really trying. my family is the most important thing in my life....and my W is still my best friend...and "The One"....i just know it. This is the fight of my life...and I got a toolbox i'm just exploring on my side.

plus a little faith...:-)

a dash of springsteen too...LOL....

i hear ya- i feel the same way about my sitch...and my H.
so many people cant see why we are trying so hard....you can see it and i can too. keep that attitude and nothing can get in your way....i know this is so hard..but nothing in life thats worth a darn is easy...have a great day!

you're right, nothing in life that's worth any thing is easy to achieve........but it's achieveable. still.....
i think the hardest thing for me to learn is patience. the other things are easy. i think anyways. LOL.

alright so forrest. now i am confused a bit...actually, just need a little clarification...

you've said to me "do what works". What exactly do you mean? What works for me to keep the PMA and GAL? What works whenever i am in contact with my W? Both? Neither? Something different?

just clarify it a bit. thanks.

ok so where are the girls with the 2x4's?

i didn't do anything, but one of my issues is that i doubt my W is going to see the changes i'm making....mainly because she won't acknowledge them..... sooooooooooooo, do they ever notice? and then acknowledge that they like them?

i think this is a patience thing for me too... LOL.

oiy vay.

ok so i have another question...this one pertains to the ladies such as bridgestone, sandi, and smartcookie. anyone else can chime in too if they see fit..

my W said to me that "she just doesn't want to be married right now." Is that a typical thought for WAW's? I"m just curious. we've had some good convos as of late....

she saw a book i was reading "building self-confidence for dummies"...and told me that I didn't need worry about self-confidence. I said, well...i think i do. I didn't go into about how she destroyed any self confidence i had..so i dind't think it too bad.

so. thoughts?

Hi there Neilh23

I think this feeling of your W's you refer to is common - certainly it would not surprise me to hear this from my W. I think it is symptomatic of a feeling of frustration, being trapped, powerless.

If you think about the words of the message tho' you're being taken into her confidence more than you know! Thats a really deep feeling being shared!

Best - GFI

bounce

Hi Neil,

Man time sure gets away from me. I think I'm trying to post to too many and even have to go back and review b/c I forget which is which in the stitch.

I hope Forest won't mind me trying to answer his quote on "do what works". I am sure he is taking it from Michelle's DR book about how the mice learn not to go down tunnels that have no cheese at the end and find the ones that do have cheese, whereas we humans seem to repeat the same mistakes over and over and don't lean our lesson as well as the mice do. If what we do is not working (finding cheese at the end of the tunnel) then we need to try something different to see if that works better. Do what works is usually in reference to the stitch and dealing with your W, but I suppose it could be applied to what works for you as well. Do what works for you in GAL, feeling better about yourself, etc. I think we all could apply "do what works" in ever part of our lives, don't you? Why waist our time doing things that do not have positive results?

Does you W still have OM in the picture? If so that puts a different equation on the WAW description. A "typical" WAW that has no OM is usually completely burned out on her bad M and just wants out of it and does not want to even think about getting M again (at least at the time she leaves that M, she doesn't). She has been unhappy for years and just wants to be free of it. However, if there is OM, then of course, that is her focus is to be with him. Usually, there is a difference in how the W behaves in the "leaving" process if there is or isn't OM involved. Aslo, if she is in MLC, that is another equation to be added to the complication of the WAW.



Yes, I believe the WAW notices if she doesn't have her head to far up OM's a$$, but it depends on the individual as to whether they actually say anything. If there is no OM and she has just walked away from the M, she is watching, but probably afraid that the changes won't stick. That is why you must make them for yourself and not just to get her back home and they must be changes for life. If you revert back to the way you were when she finally comes back home......then she will leave again and won't believe anything you try to do the second time around. BTW, I know it is hard to have patient, but never, ever ask her if she has noticed the changes in you. That is a turn-off for women b/c it is like a little boy wanting her to notice his Boy Scout badges and brag on him. Just keep at the changes and she will notice. Depending on her personality if she will say anything or whether she is interested in those changes. It is hard to say just exactly what they will do by clumping all the WAW's into one group, b/c of the differences in the stitch.



Right now, she is burned out and just wants to feel how nice it is to be free and be her own boss and not tied down to anyone. She is thinking about a brand new life for herself. That is my thinking. I went throught that myself, b/c I went from my parents house to my H's house and never was alone and experienced that kind of "freedom". But, my kids were grown and I didn't have to think about all of that.



That's b/c she sees you as being a man with a lot of self-confidence. She does not know how she has destroyed it by her actions. But, don't discuss that with her at this time. Don't do anything that looks as though you are trying to make her feel guilty or put pressure on her. It will only backfire on you.

Hope that helps a little.

Sandi