Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? New thread, new phase?

Do you know with regards to the time period and control issues maybe he does have control issues as he knows that nothing winds me up more than not knowing what is happening, and I have also explained that it causes me much anxiety when I don't get an answer. Although I find it hard to think he is vindictive, I look at it more that he is self absorbed or doesn't know how to respond.

Oh and apparently he is sooooo busy that is why he can no longer be with me. His first reasons for leaving were that he wanted to concentrate on his new job and new friends - nice! He has different reasons for not wanting to be with me now but neither he nor I know what they are. Apparently his job is crucial to the inner workings of the infrastructure of the network. He has a really over-inflated sense of his own importance job wise since he left home. I actually find it quite embarrassing sometimes. I have wanted to scream at him that he is a poxy middle manager in a huge company but I have silently kept quiet and just inwardly winced as he talks to people 'below' him and exerts his 'power'. What comes out of his mouth in regards to his job is the biggest load of tripe I have ever heard.

Wow, that has been brewing inside me for a long time! It was good to get it out!! Ooh, I seem to have hidden anger and resentment where this is concerened.

I kind of figure maybe this need for recognition, as that is why he is now not satisfied with his job now as he is not being praised and acknowledged for his brilliance, is because he was helpless when he was ill and he is trying to overcompensate now.

Go ahead and vent girl....that is why we are here.....




In the past have you supported him in his "brilliance" through admiration (like wow you do do a good job) or just kind of rolled your eyes (thinking are you really taht into yourself and your job)? Whether he is over compensating or a basic need that is pretty common for a lot of men is to feel admired for what they do at work and at home.

:o)
its good to let it out. keep it up. i have notice a lot of over inflated sense of self importantce in my S as well. they seem to think the world revolves around them. no one else could possibly have feelings too. i guess that is why we all have each other here. thanks for you help

I'm laughing at myself now as I didn't realise I was brewing that :-)

Yes, I have always been really supportive where work is concerned and have always been really proud of him. He worked up to his position now from nothing and is earning a good wage. He spent a good few years supporting me in my quest for the 'perfect' job. Ironically as soon as I got my perfect job he b*ggered off!

Last summer though I wasn't so supportive as I started to resent all the time he was spending with the people from work. He was out with them every night and I didn't realise that the more I nagged him to spend time with me the more I drove him away. I think one of the important things I need to somehow show him (through text message??!) is that I understand his need to socialise with work and that can we somehow find a compromise? My primary love language is to spend time with my s, and that was never challenged until last summer.

i noticed that you mentioned your love language is that from Gary Chapman's book. I just got that a few weeks ago. mine is words of affirmation witch is why I am always looking to talk, at least hers is act os service so i can still make points with her. what is His and is there anything that you can do in this current situation to fill up his bucket a little.

I haven't read the book yet it's on order, I cheated and looked it up on the internet! I'm on Mars and Venus at the moment and the new one why they collide. I find it hard to judge his love language as he is so alien to me at the moment. Going to swich over to your thread...

i have not read mars and venus, but in 5 languages of love he gives very good examples, i was just tihink back to the past and what she has been most responsive to. she seemed to get the most upset if i said i would do something then not due it becuase to her this made her feel unloved. now i can see when i do things she appreciates them. I know that it is going to take a lot of time to get to a point where i can really use the advice in that book but it seems pretty good.

CELEBRATION!!!!!!

Yay, my h replied that he'd checked the bank account and unfortunately his £200 hasn't gone in yet (hmmm, I'm not commenting :-) but that he has rung up and extended the overdraft so we won't get charged.

This is the first time ever he has helped, but then it is the first time ever that I have asked, and also the first time that I gave him the chance to do something and didn't snap 3 hours ago and said that I'd sorted it!

Has anyone got any ideas about how I can thank him without sounding patronising but at the same time reinforcing that he has done good and I really appreciate it?

I feel that was a baby step!

Just a simple thank you for checking that with a smiley face would suffice. I wouldn't be overly exuberant about it