Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? ms ladybug SQUISHED (2)

i see- NEED vs. WANT

i just meant for detachment purposes. like a yearning and pleading kind of NEED.

thats a good point though- for me the 180 is to WANT my H but not be so NEEDY upon him and his moods...

for Ms. Ladybug is seems to be TO NEED HIM and WANT HIM!

excellent division of wording!

PFFFT. that's a cop-out.
(huh.. 'cop'.. aheh.. anyways...)

You currently have "a set of behaviours and values".
And, and all, of them, can be changed by you. It's a matter of deciding what is important to you, and how important it is.

I personally think that the most important thing for you to think about is:
What do you want to be like?

Do you want to be "an island"? A self-standing rock, in the middle of the ocean?
Or do you want to be part of a life-long partnership?

You cannot have/be both. So, decide which is more important to you.
If you take two rocks, and stick them next to each other, you get... two rocks, that happen to be next to each other. Proximally 'close', but in no way sharing.

If you want something more... you have to be something more than "a rock".

catfan suggested "humility". you seem to have rebelled at that word.
Lets look at what it means, particularly in the sense of a marriage?
(he was talking about other things too, but I think that 'humility' can cover the other things as well....)

"humility", to me, means things like recognizing the following:

• I am not a perfect person
• It does not always have to be "my way"
• It does not hurt me, to allow my spouse to do something "their way"
• It does not hurt me, to sometimes do things "their way"
• My spouse's feelings are just as important as mine
• It does not make me "less of a person", to allow someone else to do something for me
• Doing everything myself, does not make me "more of a person", or "more valuable", either. (it actually makes you a bigger pain in the butt, aka "not a team player", fyi)
• Showing a weakness, or a need, to my spouse, does not make me a "weak person". No-one is perfect; i recognize this, so it's ok.

Does recognizing, and accepting things like the above, change you into "something you are not"?
If it is "not something you are now"... the question is, which "you" would you LIKE to be? And which "you" do you think will have a happier marriage?

if you push away the above things as "something you are not"... it wont just ruin your current marriage...
It will also ruin just about any FUTURE marriage you might have.

Part of humility, is also recognizing: "being in a true partnership, means that I must give up some things as 'an individual' in favor of 'the relationship'".
Being in a true loving relationship, means CHANGE, in BOTH people, from each person standing alone. Otherwise, there is no relationship.
There are just two rocks standing next to each other.
rocks dont change.
they also dont love.

Dom,

I love how you have encapsulated Humility.....excellent!

Thank you

Well, I can see the person that I'd LIKE to be. But, how do I go about changing something that is inherently "me"?
I can make the "realization" of what humility is. But making the CHANGE is a lot harder than just seeing it in writing.

Also, I'm afraid that doing something that isn't "me" isn't going to last and will look like a false attempt to passify h.

first step, is to stop thinking of it as "inherently you"


very, very true.
so, first, you change the outside. try to identify some external reactions that you have, that are contrary to "who you want to be", then focus on changing them.

There are also ways to change your inside... People write about them, when trying to keep a "positive mental attitude", or "acting as if...".
But most people find that it's a lot easier to change the inside, after (or at the same time as) they change the outside.



THAT, is why I said that the first(and most important!) step, is to stop thinking of it as "inherently you".


There are lots of different philosophies, and attititudes, that all amount to the same thing.
eg: "You cant quit [xyz] for someone else, you have to do it for you".
Or in more DB terms... erm... well, i forget, but there's some parallel in the books something about not just doing random 180s to fake your spouse out... but only choosing to do ones that you really believe in, and are willing to stand behind.

First, you have to decide "That is who *I* want to be! Because I think I'm a better person that way!"
Then, make your actions start matching your resolve.
Putting a little more humility in your life, is not just about "pacifying H". It's about deciding "this is the way I want to be, for the rest of my life. Whether H is around, or not".
Because these changes aren't just "for H". They will make you a better friend, mother, daughter, employee, ...

Even "friends", usually like to be friends with people who want to share, rather than take over everything.

I like what Dom is saying. And as for H, here's what Michelle says:

"The moral of this story is obvious. When one partner changes, the other partner changes too. It's a law of relationships. If you aren't getting what you need or want from your loved one, instead of trying to convince him or her to change, why not change your approach to the situation?"

http://divorcebusting.com/a_why_change.htm

Now, if I could just avoid the "what about them" thoughts myself...

Thank you Jon for bringing that again- I needed to see this too. It gets the "what ifs" about our spouses out of our heads. Thats all we have power over anyway!

Any news ms. B?

Yes, but I'm at work. If I don't get to update tonight, I will tomorrow at my other job (private office vs. public area).