Hey dude - Ian wasn't kidding...he gave me a heads up on what you're dealing with, and I've read the last few pages although I'll be honest I don't know your entire saga - I'm sure you can fill me in as necessary, IF necessary - I know how unpleasant going over some of this stuff can be, especially at the stage you're at...
Quickie on me - Ian was right, I'm a 2-time DBer and have gotten a lot of help from people around here at various times. First M about 3 years, second just under that. The details aren't terribly important (although if you ask I have no problem answering), except to say that the basics are probably the same as yours, and most others, around here.
So, this is the second time, you're dealing with a lot of anger, feeling like a failure especially because this is the SECOND time, feeling so out of control you don't know which way is up. I remember those days all too well...
First - I recommend the anti-depressants, ASAP - I struggled with the idea before I ever used them, but boy what a difference. I cannot say enough about them and how they helped me. It doesn't make any problems go away, but it does make it easier to deal with and cope with them in a much healthier way.
Second - Do your best to let go of this anger (made much easier by step one, above)...because the sooner you can the sooner you'll be able to move past this horrible situation and on with the rest of your life, which will be great again. I'm proof - I cannot believe that I've gone through this twice, I have questioned myself and what I ever did to deserve this, and the answer is...nothing. All you can do is work on yourself, and make the best decisions and choices you can in your life, and soldier on. Don't dwell too much on the "what-ifs" and "whys" beyond what you can do to improve yourself going forward; because you can't change what's already happened, no matter how much you or I want to.
Third - do your best to disengage from your W in terms of the arguments, bitching about everything, the general nastiness. She can't get under your skin unless you LET her. It is absolutely easier said than done, but forewarned is forearmed, and even though sometimes it just gets overwhelming, I believe you can do it if you just set your mind to it. You know how she is likely to behave when you interact, so you can use that to mentally prepare yourself - and always, always protect your interests and those of your daughter no matter what. Don't let her use your love for your child as leverage or as a weakness against you if it's at all possible.
Life gets better my friend - I really love my life now although I never thought it would have unfolded this way! I got a great new job, have a bachelor pad again which is fun in its own way (renting now looking to own soon - great market for someone like me ), I'm in a relationship now, things are doing well and she's a great girl, but I know I'm more guarded than I've been in the past, so things are going really slowly in terms of getting more serious...but that's ok too. I DON'T have marriage on my mind, we're having fun and that's good enough for now.
Before I get too rambly, I'll break off for now, just wanted to offer some encouragement. I'll be around though, and if I can help just let me know. Make yourself look for the positives in any given situation and you should be able to find at least a few - sounds corny but after all I went through I really do believe it. Hang in there buddy, I know where you've been and I know what's ahead for you - and believe it or not, it's good stuff.
Kev
Kev, I only found 3 pages of your original sitch..is there more??
Today's update. Rode the recumbent bike during work hours then worked out after work(core stuff). Went to Lowes after work and bought some insect bombs to set off in the basement of the house we are working on. Lots of spiders down there. Left there, came to the house and mowed the grass. I would say that this will be the last time I mow here. It's really dry and I don't expect to mow it again. I won't miss it. It's a little over 2 acres.
I won't miss the log home either. It's just too much upkeep. Too much staining to do.
A little bit of a backslide tonight I suppose. A talk about my son's upcoming wedding led to a R/M/bitch session on the front porch earlier. She can't seem to figure out why, after we D that our families just can't be all hunky dory from day one until we die. She wants to write my son a letter and send it to him, says she loved him more as a step mom than I did as a dad..I'm sure it will be the same type letter she sent my sister..a guilt transferring letter. Transferring her guilt at walking, over to me. I told her not to send him a letter. She needs closure..I say find or make your own. Don't use my son to find your closure.
She continually finds some way to stick the knife in me and twist. She also threatened to have me removed from the house. She has no grounds just idle threats.
My brother is out of town this week so I'm staying at his place Friday night. Gonna work on the house again Friday night and all day Saturday. Making headway but still lots to do.
Work tomorrow. A toddler introduction class at 5:30pm for my little girl..she's moving up in class and switching class rooms.. I may stop by the tanning bed after work..this golfers tan is out of hand..need to get that straightened out a bit.
I figure I'll get hammered with a 2x4..all I can say is lay waste to my head.
I have no 2x4's for you just 'man love for ya'. It just really amazes me the anger that the W can't let go of, she truly is battling within herself. My heart goes out to you a D.
"says she loved him more as a step mom than I did as a dad.."
I am at a loss of words for this comment...
I know in my heart you are still on a better road that will end in happiness...
Good for you for putting one foot in front of the other in an adversarial relationship and doing your best.
I'm taking notes on Ian's advice on what to say to your wife. Sounds like words to live by:
"I understand why you would feel that way, I am sure that all will be the way it is supposed to be."
How's the anger, upset, depression? I never wanted to be on medication but view it now as replacing what is depleted in my body. After my meltdown on Tuesday, I figure I'll take the advice of medical professionals. It comes down to pride versus mental well being. Choices.
I've been scarce because things just haven't been good for me.
Mike - Hang in there buddy, I certainly believe you'd got to be 'Big Show' of a big man tolet some things slide in these sitches and I'm not there either yet. The comment regarding your son, I think other than the complete ducks back treatment, you handled pretty well.
Looking at your sitch and comparing to where i'm at (update about to be posted), I think our WAW are still in a mass confusion.
Also, something I have missed on my post but C mentioned to W last night is, that some of the things we think we see another person doing that we are cflose to are just within ourselves, they are things that we would do in that situation so we already know what's going to happen and cannot believe it when it doesn't. Therefore, we forget it quickly. I also think this then moves onto the next attack until the person gets the response they want, the argument, the reason to justify themselves etc.
GL Buddy, you got a spare room in this new place of yours ???
Well, some anger was unleashed last night I'm afraid. With the anger the upset flew out. I really don't think I have been depressed. I've been sleeping good, eating good, resting good. It's been tense at the house but other than that I'm Ok.
Quote:
I've been scarce because things just haven't been good for me.
Completly understandable. This board can and will get you down sometimes. To many Newbies coming every day. Says lots about the world we live in.
BBJ..thanks for that. I'm Okj really. To me it's now just business and untangling. I'm tired of the spew. It's unfounded, untrue and sometimes visious.
It just really amazes me the anger that the W can't let go of, she truly is battling within herself.
and she says I'm bitter...when you can't let go of the anger then you get bitter. I just want to move forward. She can lie in her grief and anger/bitterness by herself. It's a cess pool of gunk. It's enveloping her.
), I'm in a relationship now, things are doing well and she's a great girl, but I know I'm more guarded than I've been in the past, so things are going really slowly in terms of getting more serious...but that's ok too. I DON'T have marriage on my mind, we're having fun and that's good enough for now.