Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives Surviving the Big D Archives Donna--finding herself Divorced #26

Hi Donna,

Congratulations Sweetie! Oh not because the divorce is final but because you have handled this with such grace. I know that this hasn't always been easy on you but when it all went down you showed what you were made of and that tells the whole story.

You're right as well about your having grown while ex has stagnated but that's the purpose of hiding behind the booze. My ex chose to go that route as well, so I know this all too well. Yes, the world is open to you and that in itself is so exciting, and it just keeps getting better!

Love,
Bethie

Donna,

I thought you'd surprise yourself :-D

The in-shock-WAS at the D hearing is pretty standard. They've been so focused on fighting the LBS and getting to D that they often really haven't focused on the D itself in some strange way. With the LBS stepping out of the ring as the opponent, the WAS is left only with himself in his struggles. Good idea to leave him alone in that...

Congrats on moving forward and growing stronger. Summer is a great time to blossom :-)

Thanks, Sally and Beth.

I am actually not sure if x is hitting the bottle (it was my mom and upbringing that brought me to AlAnon). I just have no idea what his life consists of anymore, other than the limited time he spends with the kids, and his work schedule. He is home every day at 3:30...what he does with all that time is unknown.

I did finally get to that Grace, Dignity and Strength moment. I am still there. And I'm trying not to wonder about too far into the future.

I have been thinking about Billy Joel's song, the Stranger. I have "known" this man for more than 20 years, more than half of my life, my whole adult life...yet there was so much that I never knew about. I didn't live my life that way.

So, some concessions that I don't have to make anymore:

eating french-style string beans
not dancing at parties
sitting for hours every night in front of the tv
feeling bad for not wanting to ride on the highway on the motorcycle
being judged on my housekeeping
not being glared at for reading a book or looking at a magazine
not having to clean up "spray" around my toilet and sinks
not having to deal with nasty "white" laundry
not being able to find all the tools
having no planned budget
I don't have to sit there, wondering what is going on in his head
I don't have to feel bad about getting all dressed up and being disappointed that he doesn't notice
not being awakened in the middle of the night, for what doesn't seem to be out of love in hindsight
wincing at the anger and yelling at the kids
not being concerned as a passenger in the car with him driving with road rage
I can think about travel--anywhere!--without feeling guilty
becoming fearful about going into the city without him (he would always worry & try to disuade me)
I don't have to turn down invitations to social things or feel guilty going alone because he didn't want to go
I don't have to rely on his opinions of me for my own self-esteem and value

Now, obviously, some of these things are more important than others. The pluses I had in my marriage more than made up for the concessions made.

By and large, I was happy and content with my life before. I am grateful for all of the good years, memories, and most importantly, my children. As someone said to me, well, it was good while it lasted. Today will be good, too, just different.

ot, missed you. Yep, now he has no one to point a finger at, although I am sure that he will still find opportunities to point it at me, even without the communication: poor thing has to pay alimony, has no money, lives in a box, the kids know I don't like his mistress, he has agreed to co-parenting classes starting in August, etc. But I hope that he got the sense that yes, HE did this.

My life isn't a mess anymore. I have a schedule. I have my kids the majority of the time. I have my family and friends. I am on the road to recovery (I won't be so smug as to not think that that is a lifetime of work). I have my house. I have my pets. I have my career and volunteer groups. I have a budget. I have my art. I (almost) have my master's degree. I have my morals and integrity.

Him? He has: limited time with the kids, no money, a tiny box of an apt, no dog (he gave the dog away last month because it was getting too wild being crated all day while he worked), no relationship with his parents, changed relationships with most of his friends and family, a girlfriend with no money, no education, 4 kids ages 4--15 with major mental health issues (I'll stop there with that one). Oh, he does have his motorcycle and truck and pension. And lots of time on his hands to use them. But he also has a mirror that he has to look into everyday. Lucky thing that he never remembers his dreams.

He's told a mutual friend that he feels that he is on the road to happiness. Good luck to him.

Thank you again, friends. I never thought I'd be able to get here, to be able to actually live through it, let alone be ok with it.

I am just SO SO happy for you honey, that you've discovered you had your happiness in your hands all along, that you did soooo well, you ROCK))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Smiling big for you

I am so happy for you Donna, and so proud of all the hard work that got you here.

Your life is going to be wonderful, because you'll make it that way.

You are doing awsome Donna! Proud of you!

Don't know if it is pride--I think, like ot said, surprised that it finally happened. Thank you for all of the support.

Visited with my friend down the block today. x had stopped by for a moment Wed with the kids while on the way to his house. He couldn't talk much because the kids were in the car.

She asked how it went, and he said, it went. She said he seemed to be very strained, not himself. He also said he is going to stay in the apt month-to-month if he can. And that he wasn't going to bring CW to his brother's wedding in Sept--he "couldn't do that to his family." He mentioned that he would like to continue a 7/4 traditional party that we have long-held with friends and family. She wondered about that with me--who would actually go, especially if CW shows up? I said I had no idea, but since the fireworks are on one of my nights, I'd probably have other plans with the kids, anyway.

She told me that, just before the divorce, she asked him if he really realized what he had chosen. Besides all the other issues and baggage, this woman had come up to me, asking if there was any way she could help save the marriage, all while she was already in the affair--what kind of person is that? He wouldn't answer.

She is another one who said, just let them live it for awhile. He has to come to regret this--everyone asks, WHAT is he thinking?! Leaving his wife and family, for THAT? Can we all be crazy? NO ONE gets it, no one sees it.

But I get it now that he has his own Higher Power, and his own lessons to learn. I have mine, and am working hard on them. He has to deal with himself. Maybe he will, maybe he won't. I feel like I washed my hands of it.....THIS, is finally letting go. Do I still love him? I think I love who he was....maybe the core that seems so lost inside....but not the man he chooses to be today. I just feel sorry for him. I am thankful for the memories--they no longer hurt.

On another note, the kids and I had our D support group today; it is good to be around people who get it. The kids get to share with peers, and the parents do, too.

Also, my asst superintendent emailed me back--he is going to try to do everything he can to help me out, but it is a union issue and might not work out, with regards to the unpaid medical leave. We'll see.

My babies are safe and tucked into their beds, our frog is singing to me, and the puppy is laying at my feet. Life is good.

And that's your eureka moment toots, i'm soooo glad you've find this truth.

Reading today's devotional reminded me of you:

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Take the Limits Off

"He raised us up together with Him…that He might clearly demonstrate through the ages to come the immeasurable, limitless, surpassing riches of His free grace, His unmerited favor…" (Ephesians 2:6-7AMP).
Today's Word from Joel and Victoria

We serve a God of unlimited grace, favor and blessing. He longs to show you His goodness and pour out His abundance in your life. When God sees you, He sees unlimited possibility. He sees unlimited potential. He sees unlimited resources. God's grace and favor in your life enables you to become what He sees, but you have to first open your heart and take the limits off. We limit God in our thinking. Thoughts of doubt, unbelief and unforgiveness in your heart will close the door to His favor. In Mark chapter 6, it says that Jesus could do no mighty works in a particular town because of the unbelief of the people. It works the same way today. But when you choose thoughts of faith and expectancy, you are opening the door for God to work in your life. You are taking the limits off. You are giving Him the opportunity to multiply what you have in your hand. Choose to take the limits off by choosing His thoughts of victory. Choose thoughts of increase and blessing. As you do, you'll rise higher and higher and live the abundant life He has prepared for you.

A Prayer for Today

Heavenly Father, I choose Your unlimited grace and favor today. I choose to believe that You have good things in store for me. I give You everything that I am and ask that You use me for Your glory. In Jesus' Name. Amen.

Thanks for that, Cat. Having a great day--hope everyone here is, too.