I agreed to this in order to get the weekend visitation that I wanted. I did not want standard weekend visitation. I wanted more, I wanted what I got. I was being realistic, Logistically 50/50 would not have worked, due to where I will be living and how my work schedule is. I know you probably don't agree Ian but it works for me. I'm happy with the visitation I have. So to get what I wanted I agreed to go with a transition period that was recommended by the mediator. I bent to get what I wanted.
I get this completely my friend and you do what you have to do. I wanted full custody of my D14, thought it would be best for her, still do in some ways. However I bent and gave my STBX 3 days a week in order to make things work the way I need them to. My best friend made me understand 2 things, my D14 needs a mother, and I need some time for myself as well. So yes, I so understand this.
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I understand this but don't see any positives at all from her. I just feel done. I just feel like working on my chitt, my future. Do you understand where I'm coming from? I don't know that I'm giving up but I'm not really doing much at all to save it anymore either. I'm just letting it do whatever it's doing..What ever it is..just is.
That's ok to, the last line I mean. Let it do whatever it is going to do. Let's say this my friend, you are not giving up, you are letting go.
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I'm f**king mad Ian. I'm mad that I wrecked a 401k and had my balls slit open for her to have our D and she walks out on me. I'm mad because I never feel like I get a break. I'm mad because I feel I have the worst luck. I'm mad because I'm sitting here crying and having to relive this pain over and over. I want to moving forward. I just want to move forward.
Awe buddy, you did these things out of love. You did them from your heart. Never ever regret your decisions as they are the reason you have that precious little angel that you are fighting so hard for.
Mike, it's ok to cry. AND.... you are moving forward buddy. This is all part of moving forward.
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It makes me feel like a failure. I told myself that it would never/could never happen to me again. It is, I can't stop it. I don't want to live my life alone. I don't want to be a bitter grumpy old man like my dad. I can't believe it has happened to me again.
It sucks a pecker and I'm pissed at myself for being an ass and letting it happen. I'm pissed at recognizing that it was happening but not doing a damn thing about it until it was too late. I'm pissed at her for not trying.
The coolest thing about that relationship that you are forging with your daughter is that it means you will never be alone, ever.
We all look back and see that there were signs that we either missed at the time, or chose to ignore because we never thought they would lead to where we are now. I don't really know anyone on this site that can say they haven't looked back and wondered why they didn't act when they saw the signs.
You have every right to be pissed at her. You have every right to question why she isn't fighting for your family. It is completely ok to have that disappointment in her.
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It's the disrespect and inconsideration she shows me. It's the snide remarks, it's the bitching about the car seat. I'm pissed about it. Lack of respect is a serious thing in my book. It's not a way to treat someone, even if you are considered sick by some people. That's why I feel done. F her. I mean treat me like chitt because you don't want to try anymore?? She's being an ass when she said she would not. She's being a bitch. She's being like her mother. She's not doing things in the best interest of D.
I know Mike, but all you can do is focus on what is within your span of control. Her behavior is not one of those things. You can choose to not listen, you can choose to walk away, and you can choose to ask her to not disrespect you. You cannot however alter her behaviors. She is what she is right now and there is nothing you can do about it. Focus on what you can control.
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I know and understand all this and appreciate everyone. This post has put me in a bad place. I felt good, now I feel drained and tired. I dread tomorrow. I don't know why I have to continue reliving this stuff. It's like a bad movie that's stuck in one place..it's just over and over and over.
Ian, am I screwed up?? Do I need to go see my doctor? Do you think I'm coping OK?? I'm just tired of dealing with this stuff. I'm just tired. I know everyone is here for me but there's nothing to do..I mean absolutely nothing. Just be my friend. Just be a friend to me. Just listen. I don't know. I really don't know.
Your not screwed up Mike. The guy who comes on here and says he is fine and dandy with everything. The guy who simply decides to walk away from his wife and kids because it is too difficult to stand. Those are the guys that are screwed up. YOU sir are about as normal as it gets. If it is overwhelming, talk to your doc.
Don't look at this last post as a negative. It was probably your most real and emotion filled post I have read in a while and I love that you opened up and really said what it is you are feeling inside. Yes it is draining, but you are getting it out.
Stand up Mike, recognize that you are a very good man in a horrible situation and you are doing all you can do right now. You have friends who will listen to all of this here. I am proud to be one of them. Don't be upset right now, be very very proud of yourself for opening up and feeling. Tired can be from many different things Mike, one of which is from feeling. Anytime you have a big emotional day you will be tired and although it just sucks to feel so drained, it's also a good thing because once you sleep and reenergize you are going to feel good about getting some of this out.
I have a dear friend on these boards that posts under the name of Kman. he is a two time DBer and I think he can help you out some with coping through the second marriage part of all this. I will send him your way my friend. Give him a day or so as he is a very busy guy.......
Take care of yourself and for goodness sakes get some sleep.
"It makes me feel like a failure. I told myself that it would never/could never happen to me again. It is, I can't stop it. I don't want to live my life alone. I don't want to be a bitter grumpy old man like my dad. I can't believe it has happened to me again.
It sucks a pecker and I'm pissed at myself for being an ass and letting it happen. I'm pissed at recognizing that it was happening but not doing a damn thing about it until it was too late. I'm pissed at her for not trying."
I can empathize with these statements, after my 1st divorce I swore to myself it would never happen again, I would never feel that pain. I told myself fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me, and sure as H$LL, I let it happen again right before my eyes. I was even so blind to it that I was blaming her for taking the marriage for granted and angry that she wasn't trying, when in reality it was me that was letting it go not saying that is you now, just what I was feeling. One of the things my W said to me was that you were so worried about screwing up a second marriage that you didn't even see it happening.
This is why I looked to you the simalarities were eerie. Do I know exactly how you feel? No I wouldn't persume that but I do understand where you might be.
I don't think you are screwed up, you are just maybe numb? I will be your friend, I will listen, I will throw my twig and berries away and even cry with you...
Hey dude - Ian wasn't kidding...he gave me a heads up on what you're dealing with, and I've read the last few pages although I'll be honest I don't know your entire saga - I'm sure you can fill me in as necessary, IF necessary - I know how unpleasant going over some of this stuff can be, especially at the stage you're at...
Quickie on me - Ian was right, I'm a 2-time DBer and have gotten a lot of help from people around here at various times. First M about 3 years, second just under that. The details aren't terribly important (although if you ask I have no problem answering), except to say that the basics are probably the same as yours, and most others, around here.
So, this is the second time, you're dealing with a lot of anger, feeling like a failure especially because this is the SECOND time, feeling so out of control you don't know which way is up. I remember those days all too well...
First - I recommend the anti-depressants, ASAP - I struggled with the idea before I ever used them, but boy what a difference. I cannot say enough about them and how they helped me. It doesn't make any problems go away, but it does make it easier to deal with and cope with them in a much healthier way.
Second - Do your best to let go of this anger (made much easier by step one, above)...because the sooner you can the sooner you'll be able to move past this horrible situation and on with the rest of your life, which will be great again. I'm proof - I cannot believe that I've gone through this twice, I have questioned myself and what I ever did to deserve this, and the answer is...nothing. All you can do is work on yourself, and make the best decisions and choices you can in your life, and soldier on. Don't dwell too much on the "what-ifs" and "whys" beyond what you can do to improve yourself going forward; because you can't change what's already happened, no matter how much you or I want to.
Third - do your best to disengage from your W in terms of the arguments, bitching about everything, the general nastiness. She can't get under your skin unless you LET her. It is absolutely easier said than done, but forewarned is forearmed, and even though sometimes it just gets overwhelming, I believe you can do it if you just set your mind to it. You know how she is likely to behave when you interact, so you can use that to mentally prepare yourself - and always, always protect your interests and those of your daughter no matter what. Don't let her use your love for your child as leverage or as a weakness against you if it's at all possible.
Life gets better my friend - I really love my life now although I never thought it would have unfolded this way! I got a great new job, have a bachelor pad again which is fun in its own way (renting now looking to own soon - great market for someone like me ), I'm in a relationship now, things are doing well and she's a great girl, but I know I'm more guarded than I've been in the past, so things are going really slowly in terms of getting more serious...but that's ok too. I DON'T have marriage on my mind, we're having fun and that's good enough for now.
Before I get too rambly, I'll break off for now, just wanted to offer some encouragement. I'll be around though, and if I can help just let me know. Make yourself look for the positives in any given situation and you should be able to find at least a few - sounds corny but after all I went through I really do believe it. Hang in there buddy, I know where you've been and I know what's ahead for you - and believe it or not, it's good stuff.
Kev
"Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall." -Confucius
"God alone decides the contest; but we must put our shoulders to the wheel." -Adm. D.G. Farragut
Kevin-38; XW-36 M-2.5, together 4 Bomb-1/6/07; D-6/27/07
Kevin, thanks for coming over. Ian has taken great care of me and has sent individuals over to me when I needed them most. I apprecaite you coming over.
I want to read your story and have it bookmarked. I will do that later. Due to the 2x4 from yesterday and the "goop" Ian always seems to pull out of me(it's a good thing Ian, don't get pissed or offended) I went to bed with a terrible headache and it seems to have followed me into today.
I'll catch up. To all you out there who I try to follow, I'm not leaving you and have not forgot about you. I'm watching so many threads that the sitches all run together sometimes and it seems there's not enough time in my day.
At the moment I'm worried about PING1, he won't answer his cell, he won't respond to VM's. He won't respond to emails. I know where he works and where he lives. I've resorted to searching Obits to see if he has passed away. I've searched Newspapers in case he's been in an accident. No contact in a about a week.
Ping, if you're around. Pop in and let me know you're alive.
No, I think you do know how I feel. You're spot on. There's really no way after all I've written on here that anybody here can't say that they don't know how I feel.
All is laid out for everyone to see. It's all there, nothing has been held back. Blood and guts of the whole relationship monster have been laid to waste in all my threads.
My life on the internet...I would have never thought it would come to this.
Today is a new day. That's all I can "see" at the moment. Get through this one, then the night.
and start over again tomorrow.
On a little lighter note to all my friends over in the alternate universe...I'm going whitewater rafting Sunday....Nolichucky River..rafting the Gorge....I'll be thinking of you all..
Whitewater Racting sounds like a great thing to do to get your mind off everything.
Don't know why you wife is being so nasty and hateful unless it is her way of covering up all the pain she is feeling. They direct so much anger at us sometimes that it is hard to belive they were once in love with us.
Your doing a great job of not lowering yourself to her level and keeping your D as your number one priority. Don't back down from your W or let her walk all over you. Your D will need you very much in the next couple of years to help her deal with this. Hopefully you W will stop using her to get at you, that is the worst thing that could possibly happen.
Have a good day and live them one at a time. You will make it through this as we all will. Forget the past it can not be changed and it will only drive you nuts.
No, I think you do know how I feel. You're spot on. There's really no way after all I've written on here that anybody here can't say that they don't know how I feel.
All is laid out for everyone to see. It's all there, nothing has been held back. Blood and guts of the whole relationship monster have been laid to waste in all my threads.
My life on the internet...I would have never thought it would come to this.
Today is a new day. That's all I can "see" at the moment. Get through this one, then the night.
and start over again tomorrow.
On a little lighter note to all my friends over in the alternate universe...I'm going whitewater rafting Sunday....Nolichucky River..rafting the Gorge....I'll be thinking of you all..
You sound better today. Sometimes the best direction is simply one day at a time and build from that...good thought process
), I'm in a relationship now, things are doing well and she's a great girl, but I know I'm more guarded than I've been in the past, so things are going really slowly in terms of getting more serious...but that's ok too. I DON'T have marriage on my mind, we're having fun and that's good enough for now.