Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Trying ... well if you can call it that, I guess.

Wifey,

Every day IS a struggle. Trying is an active sport. The littlest of things can just dump a big wet blanket on your head eh?

Every time I go to the grocery store, I'm reminded of H. Last summer was the first and only time before that we had ever been to that store... it was together and in a much happier time. So much happened, so much melted down SO quickly for he and I... it feels like your life has been ripped out of your hands.

I still find the detaching thing comes and goes. H and I are meeting for breakfast next week. I broke down and phoned him... (logistics about a few pending things needed to be talked about)... he did have a legit reason that he could have called me for last week... and didn't, that hurt. Anyway we talked for about 15 mins. I found myself on the verge of tears the whole time. Dealing with it, detaching or not,... doing "well" at it or just starting STILL can suck the life out of ya.

I'm caught between *where and for how long* to give him his total space and where I do I become his "friend" again... and pour it on, if you know what I mean. I know I'm not ready yet,... I need to have my own set of...er... "balls" back in place before I can do this and deal with the downs and failures and rejections that will come with it initially and during that process. (If I ever get there that is.) I suppose that leaving that "door" opened 1/4 of an inch has the capacity to exhaust. No wonder "detaching" is so important... mental health.

Abbey

LMAO Abbey. The gay guitarist thing nearly made me spit. That was soooo funny. It's so true though. I have a gay friend from school, I'm also friends with his boyfriend. And it's so nice to hang out with them, BS, and not have to worry about whether either of them would take some comment I made as interest. It's easier to relax around them than most guys. And he is so easy to talk to.

(((Abbey)))

"ovaries" can be easily substituted into any traditional male phrase that uses "balls" and I find it much more appropriate

I didn't know how to spell huitspa LOL

I'm really caught because of the sitch,... he thinks I screwed around on him,... so giving him space... or trying to be friends is going to be a real juggle for me. When do I start doing this, when do I back off. How he even interprets me having a life is a crap shoot... no way to know if he'll just view it as: See, I was right, we don't need eachother etc . Ahhh... no owners manual for this one.

I uhm have been reading some of the other folks sitchs and the depression seems to be a very common item with many of us. How is he ever going to see changes in me if he didn't realize what was "wrong" with me over the last 4 years.... and as said before, is all wrapped up in re-writing history.

The ....er... parasite g/f... of course is a whole nuther' matter. Ah... patience eh? Where we sit right now, as I feel it,... is in a big "void"... just no movement one way or another.

Abbey

My H told OW I had an affair. Not sure if he actually believes it or who else he might have told. But he asked me if I'd had an A with this guy I was friends with while he was deployed in Iraq. I said no of course, because I didn't. Not sure if he believes me. It definitely complicates things.

Depression is common with both the WAS and the LBS. If the LBS wasn't depressed before, the shock of the A/leaving/drama usually is enough to push us over the edge lol.

Don't worry if he realizes what was wrong before. Just be the wonderful, happy, beautiful Abbey you are now. He will see it. (How he reacts to those changes is uncertain, but he WILL notice)

Limbo sucks. Feeling like you are stuck can be strangling. Only you know how long you can endure. And when you can't anymore, then it's time to shake things up and hopefully push things in a better direction.

For now, patience and SMILE!

Michelle... how do you do it? *smile* You are truly, TRULY A PRECIOUS GEM!

It's too bad that we all don't live in the same city.

I joined a sewing club, they call it stitch and b*tch. We could have a wine and b*tch

Abbey

I have to admit, I'm really torn as to what to do where my H is concerned... space, go dark, become his best friend or whatever.

Right now... I find I just want to sleep at times... naps seem to give me the energy to do stuff. Managed 6 BIG boxes of stuff that needed to be put into my music room and what not. Rearranged the 2 rooms still in "progress"... much better... easier to do stuff in those rooms when the feeling hits.

I'm also still seriously pondering my "guitar" man search... LOL... wonder how much hate mail I would get if I actually posted for one! LOL

Abbey

When did you last talk? When did you last see each other? Who initiated either?

The safest bet...let him have space. You can always reach out to him later, but if you pressure him now he'll only need more space for longer.

Sounds like the place is coming along! This seems to be a good weekend for cleaning lol.

I'll let you know if I find any guitar men.

(((Abbey)))

I initiated the last one, after 2 weeks of silence. The last 2 times we met, I was all business and he initiated the affection. I responded back. (Request for hugs, and this thing he did by reaching out and running his hand down my arm and then hugging me). I think his own "weakness" to allow himself any closeness to me mighta scared him so he's backed off big time.

Matter of fact, I initiated this last one, but he's as of now stood me up. He was supposed to phone last night, and we were supposed to do breakie this morning. No call, and no call this morning. He DOES have to have contact in the next couple of days because he has to give me the money he agreed to each month.

I still bounce hating him to I love him. (well the old him), not this a/h emotional coward and liar he's become.

Will that man ever return, did he ever really exist? The hardest part for me is to keep my mouth quiet. Not declare that he's an capital A/H and what he can go do with hisself and that it's "OVER", if you know what I mean. It's 2 months in, no matter what I feel, no "telling" is the hardest part, especially when I feel like this and really would love to tell him what I think of him, his parasite g/f, his lies, what he's done to me, us, his reputation and just about anything else I feel like venting about, if I were to get on a roll. *smile* But alas, I *must* just stay the course and stay all business, pull back even from the requests for affection etc. Be "very cool" etc.

Time to slip into "dark gray" I think, July gives me lots of evening opportunities to go to open air music shows, some meet and greet type blues open jams where I might even meet my "guitar guy" hehe.

I also juggle between positive thinking and wanting to let the Alanis Morrisette in me come out and write the songs that are just under the surface. I've got the feeling I have a whole deluxe 2 album "set" of my own Jagged Little Pill type album in here somewhere. Allowing those songs to come out kinda scare me. I don't want to get into that place emotionally where I've tried so hard to crawl out of. He's taken my music away from me. *sigh*

Better get to the rest of this "cleaning"/setting up the place.
Abbey

If you read the success stories on here...you see that it is possible for them to return. It's certainly not guaranteed though.

Would allowing the songs to come out be a way you could get some of it off your subconscious? Kind of clear your head? If so, then go for it! Once you get them out and written down, you don't even have to play them if you don't want to afterwards.

Sounds like a plan!

(((Abbey)))

Yeah, I know. Something happened today that's left me feeling even more exhausted than usual. He called, said lets do lunch. There was this moment during lunch where we looked into each other's eyes. There was a spark there. We didn't look away immediately. It was familiar and yet uncomfortable and wonderful and awful all at the same time. Doesn't that make sense?

My father said... is this just something you want to see. And I've asked myself the same... and nah... his reaction to it, and my gut/instinct has been bang on with him all the way through this... it's "there" for us... he's just too flippin' coward to do something about it.

Ya know,... I can see him trying to stay away from me even more now... if my reaction to that "instant" was anywhere close to his... I"M GLAD I'M ON PILLS! He's not though... bound to screw him up nicely... even more than he is, that is.

Music is like sex for me... got "feel" it in order to do a good job at it. In order to write this stuff... I have to allow myself to "be" miserable. I'm not sure I wanna allow myself there just yet. I've avoided going to the "neighborhood", being in contact with people there etc... just because I simply cannot mentally/emotionally handle it. The music and letting it all pour out is the same at the moment unfortunately.

Abbey