Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again And the day came ...

well, guys, I guess my list has provided food for thought! who knew that there would be all of us "controlling, non-listening, fearful, invalidaters" out there!! or should I say FORMER..... Wait 'til next week when I actually put some actions to each of the "main" categories of issues!

Dagny -- I like your idea about being more concrete about what I'm looking for from h. I know that he would like it, too. Part of the problem is that what I'm actually looking for is kind of vague in nature.

What I want is for him to want to solve these problems with me. Or, in this specific case, I want him to help me solve the issue of my healing from the affair, OUR healing our m, and getting rid of residual thoughts of ow.

So...what I'm asking for isn't a particular "solution" but for him to be part of finding the solution.

Sometimes I have an issue at work and I come home and tell h. about it. He gives suggestions on how to handle it. He might even call me the next day to see how well my implementation is going. That's what I want.

I want him to hear me say: look, I'm still really struggling with feeling that you and ow might still be in contact. Can you help me figure out how to stop struggling with that?

(Note to Brian -- Yes, you're likely more direct 'cause you're a man! Gotta learn that myself! But, to be clear, I wasn't asking h. if he was still involved with ow and wanting an answer for that. I was asking h. to help me figure out how to stop feeling worried).

A few weeks ago h and I had a fight over keeping our new kittens from scratching the furniture. He said "I consider it your responsibility to solve this problem". I was pissed because I felt like he was saying that he wasn't going to work on it at all. Turned out that what he was saying was this:

"I think I care more about this issue than you do. I KNOW that I will put effort and energy into solving this problem. I don't know that you will of your own accord. Therefore, if I make this YOUR problem to solve, I know that BOTH of us will be working to solve the problem."

When I'm in a grumpy mood I think: maybe I should make healing this m. and preserving our fidelity h's problem to solve following that model.

When I'm in a slightly less grumpy mood I think: we had a 2 day conversation about how to keep the cats from scratching the furniture. we actually came up with a solution, worked together on it and it's working. why can't we do that with out marriage?

When I'm in a variety of moods I think: I love my h. I want my m. to work. I want him to feel good about our m. and I want to feel good about it too. I don't want our m. to be hurtful for either of us. I want to work together to get there. I love and appreciate all the wonderful stuff that h is doing on his own to heal our m. I feel good about all the stuff that I'm doing too. I think it's time for us to do some stuff together.

H has called 3x today. Last call he asked if I was mad at him. I'm not and I told him that. I asked if he were made at mad. No. Then he asked if he could go on a date with his favorite girl. Well, yup, you can.

I don't think asking for help was a bad thing. I'm not sure how were gonna get there. And I'm thinking it might be a bit painful! But, I think we will do ok.

Sage

Quoting sage:

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H has called 3x today. Last call he asked if I was mad at him. I'm not and I told him that. I asked if he were made at mad. No. Then he asked if he could go on a date with his favorite girl. Well, yup, you can.

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huh? I meant: I asked if he were mad at me.

That is so odd. If you hadn't have pointed it out, I'd never have noticed. I read it exactly as you meant it.

wickywacky....

Jeannine

Hi Sage,

I can't wait for you to start posting your ideas for working on your list! So many of them are my problems and I think I work on them and then backslide. Last night bad!

The link I sent my husband was your thread right before this one BUT I am definitely going to give him this one!!

Thanks for your post on my thread. One of these days I'm going to really start one that I keep up with daily.

Sage

Just wanted to drop by on a totally unrealted note. I was reading all of Calystras post and found your name and advice everywhere on her therad awesome. I am workinng on validation as my main 180. So I will continue to look at your thread for those points.

Thanks again for being there for Cal and thus for me.

Hi Sage,

Just wanted to let you know my husband thought your list very much applied to me as well and he thought you did a good job listing it all out. Very logical and organized! He then asked what you did for a living and I told him I thought you are an engineer, he grinned! He is also.

So now he is pushing me to take your list personalize it any and come up with my answers. I hope this is because he wants those things worked on more and to continue trying to work on this marriage!

Just wanted you to know your organizational skills are being put to good use I HOPE!!

That list really got to me as well. I also complied the list and actions that I did that went with each point. Now the hard part what to do to show action agaist the list when he is not seeing me still.

Take a look calls but no message part 2

And you were thinking being over-analytical was a FAULT????


Look at all the action you've spurred, honey!

Shiny

hey sage

sorry haven't checked in for awhile. Looks like alot of learning and growing going on here. Your list on yourself was fantastic. H is still asking you if he can go out w/his favorite girl, wow that's great sage. Good steps going on here!!!

Quoting shinybear:

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And you were thinking being over-analytical was a FAULT????


Look at all the action you've spurred, honey!

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SB -- I guess the key is to use my talents for good and not evil



Here's my horoscope for today:
Have you ever done something and then, thought to yourself afterwards, Now why on earth did I do that? Do you sometimes look back on your life and wonder what possessed you to make a particular decision? I only ask because... Well, because... I suspect you are being a little unfair on someone now. You can't see why they are behaving as they are. But then since when have you been gloriously consistent? A little chaos is a fine thing. And as for a little tolerance well, that's what makes the world go round. If you want a relationship to pick up, stop being so down on it.

Time for me to lighten up!

sage