Let me ask you two important questions, and please be honest:
1. Would you be exposing her affair out of anger, or spite? Or doing this as a tool with which to hopefully end her affair and return her to working at your marriage?
2. Are you emotionally prepared for her rage -- directly at YOU -- if you do this?
Just because this worked for me and some others, doesn't mean it's for everybody.
Puppy
Puppy, missed this one. The answers, in all honesty:
1) Exposing would definitely be a tool. I am not wanting her to walk out of my life and I am ready to fight. She has in the past wondered why I haven't done more to show emotion and action - well, this can be a start. I am not at, and hope I do not get back to the anger / spite page; I was there before, but fortunately did nothing at that time (back when I first found out in Feb).
2) Am I ready? Actually, in some ways it will be more of the same. She has already directed much anger my way, and I have lovingly sat by and acknowledged her feelings. Enough is enough - have to start showing a little more backbone I think.
I am struggling with exposing to her family. I have sent a message to OMW; if nothing else, I know WW and OM are in contact by phone. Even if only an EA right now (which makes sense to me), OMW should be made aware, I think.
LIS
M45 WW 43 D17/S14/D11
ILYB Jan 08 PA Conf Feb 08 OMW / OM contacted S Jan / 09
No one ever has, or ever will, escape the consequences of their actions.
Puppy, if you could send your letter, would appreciate it.
Sure; here:
Quote:
(Wife's first name),
Today I have opened a separate checking account for my direct deposit, and will use the account to continue to pay our joint bills. As mentioned earlier, you are now responsible for your own credit card payment, as well as the other items mentioned below.
I will transfer $175 each week from this new account into our existing joint checking account, estimating $135 for groceries and $40 for your gas to and from your job and the boys' activities. If there are other necessary items that the boys need (haircuts, clothes, medicine, etc.), please let me know and I will transfer the funds as needed. I will work directly with the girls on their needs, and have already told them that you and I will help them with $60/week for groceries. To help pay for that, I cut them back to a cheaper cellphone plan, and told them that they need to monitor their usage carefully as they will be responsible for any overages. I think we should continue to "link" our financial support to their "full-time student" status, but we can discuss.
I will continue to make sure our family's needs (not "wants") are met. I will NOT pay for:
- your credit card payment (I will transfer, each month, an amount equal to 1/3 of your monthly payment), currently about $520/month, to help offset the expense, since we jointly rang up those expenses.
- your cellphone
- your hair coloring (cuts are fine), nails, clothes, make-up
- additional plastic surgery and procedures (I know you used your own paycheck for this, but that was supposed to have gone toward your tummy tuck balance, as we had discussed, so one way or another, I've been paying for beta peels and Botox, which I will no longer do. We have other more pressing needs.
- take-out (this may be tough, due to baseball, but I will help out as needed)
- And we still need to do something about the BMW, which we cannot afford.
As mentioned last week, you need to try and get full-time employment as soon as possible, so we can begin to attack our credit card balances and get both of ourselves in a better financial position as we move forward in this. We can work together to make sure that the boys aren't home alone for extended periods of time, and I'm sure your parents would help in that regard as well.
The above arrangement is obviously temporary, until we can reach a more formal legal agreement on our finances, which I of course will abide by. Please let me know if you feel like I missed anything.
Her family should know. They are perhaps in the best position to exert influence on her, if, in fact, you feel they would be supportive of the marriage. Would they be??
My daughters and my wife's parents were more instrumental than anyone else in getting my wife to end her affair.
LIS, it sounds like doing this would represent a "180" for you from your comments. I don't recommend the "tough love" approach sometimes (or at least I would recommend some real qualifications to it) if your marital history was that you were too controlling, too stern, etc.
I have come to realize that I have been controlling in recent years in a passive way (not involving her in decisions, etc), but definitely not the hard a$$ kind - if anything, she has said that she doesn't think I had the ba!!s to stand up to my wife. So you are right, this would be a 180...
LIS
M45 WW 43 D17/S14/D11
ILYB Jan 08 PA Conf Feb 08 OMW / OM contacted S Jan / 09
No one ever has, or ever will, escape the consequences of their actions.
My day is a real struggle today. Cannot focus at all. And tonight is S13 grade 8 grad to top it off.
Must control the anger that is building. I didn't get much sleep last night so very short fuse at the moment.
:-(
Then take a deep breath, and don't do anything today. 24-hour rule. Heck, 48-hour rule.
It took me two months to decide to re-confront my wife (although I did my initial confrontation, and exposure, immediately). Got on anti-depressants in the meantime, too. I had to play all my cards, and make sure I was doing the right thing.
Only YOU will know when it's the right time, Lost.
And tonite should be to honor son at his graduation.
Puppy is right. At this point, what do you have to lose? You can either give up and your marriage is over or you can go down fighting and your marriage may be over, but maybe not.
You've been reading a lot on this forum. You've seen how messed up WAS's are. You've read how they want divorce or their space this minute but a half hour later that changes. They're a F'd up hot mess.
Keep fighting. No one said this was going to be easy. Read again what my WW said on multiple occasions and when I countered, she changed her tune. Don't know what our outcome will be, but we have a lot better chance now than if I would have just said "ok" to her divorce or separation demands. Don't know what your outcome will be either, but DO something. But like Pup said, don't do it in anger or from a position of weakness. Think it through and DO IT. She won't know what hit her. With your email to OMW you've taken the first step.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
I have started, that is true. If no response from OMW, may have to phone, but may catch OM there - but who cares about that. Not me.
I will fight- but not sure what all to do. Let's hope whatever it is I do not mess it totally up.
Interesting that WW just sent a pleasant txt msg - nothing major, just a question, but even had a "hi" at the start.
I have been here before - talk of D, her not wanting to be here, etc etc and have eventually bounced back a bit. Just didn't expect it this time. I am convinced, however, that I will not be leaving my family or the family home, or the marital bed (yes, even after the pointed discussion last night, we slept in the same bed).
LIS
M45 WW 43 D17/S14/D11
ILYB Jan 08 PA Conf Feb 08 OMW / OM contacted S Jan / 09
No one ever has, or ever will, escape the consequences of their actions.
Did you ever confirm if she lied about who she was visiting up east?
Puppy,
Some circumstantial evidence?? WW said she was visiting a girlfriend for lunch on June 17 and then going direct to family friends same day. However, in looking at Mastercard online, she did not go out with friend until June 18 (if you can believe the transaction date). She left home bright and early on June 17.
Soooooooooooo, what was she doing June 17 is the question???
My spidey sense is starting to tingle.
LIS
M45 WW 43 D17/S14/D11
ILYB Jan 08 PA Conf Feb 08 OMW / OM contacted S Jan / 09
No one ever has, or ever will, escape the consequences of their actions.
