Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Bring on the Rain - Part 3

Wow saffie, that is probably how your mom felt too.

Sue, I saw the show Intervention the other night (on Bravo). The specialist was talking about learned behavior and alcoholism. Its scary, truly scary, that when a child grows up in an alcoholic (drug/abuse/any addiction really) family, no matter how much they hate it and know they don't want to fall in the same pattern, it happens time and time again. He talked about the mom (the dad was the drinker) breaking the cycle, for herself and for her daughter. I thought of you.

(((SUE)))

I know......isn't that awful?

(((Sue)))

I know how hard it can be to wonder (in advance) if you are strong enough to stand firm on the things you believe in. But both Saffie's personal example and what LWB saw on tv can give you the push to keep travelling on your path.

I see so much in my own sitch how addictions (my H's father) have such long-lasting, far-reaching impact on the whole family.

You are such a positive force for your daughter...

Keep hanging in there...

L2

Saffie - Thanks for everything. I remember you talking about your dad & mum. I don't want my D4 to be around that. She'll see the anger when it comes out. Last night she just about had an absolute meltdown. She was playing around telling H that I had been naughty and that I needed to be spanked. Well, H comes up behind me and puts me in a type of headlock. He was goofing around but talking in this stern, angry voice. She just started screaming and crying. He let go right away and told her that he was only playing around. She was crying really hard, but she was able to get out....I don't like it when you hurt my mommy. I held her and made sure she knew I was okay.

lwb- I went to a counselor when I was young. It was around one of the times that my dad went through treatment. She was good for me. She knew then that my dad's & in fact my grandfather's (mom's side) alcoholism had already had a great impact on me. I swore I wouldn't marry an alcoholic. I moved 12 hrs. from home to IL to be with my H. I didn't know how bad things could get. I should have packed up right then & left, but I thought things would change. I thought I could change him.

So, H's car needs some major work done. He may not get it back until next Tues. He'll have to rent a vehicle to use. I picked him up and gave him a ride to work today. On the way there, he told me about his car and how much it might cost. Could be up to $1500. He said, Well, I guess God has really decided to punish me.....a DUI, one of my worst performance months at work and now car problems. He mentioned one other thing, but I can't remember what it was. I didn't ask him WHY God was punishing him. I kept pretty quiet. I saw a spark of something in my H today that I've seen before. I picture H getting ready to run away. Run to IN, maybe? Since his brother is getting divorced he'd have someone to live with. Then, if they're both single, they could plan a move to CA. I know that he is still in contact with OW. I saw an outgoing call to her last night. Maybe I'm just overthinking things, but it just appears that he's slowly moving her out of his life. Maybe he's got me snowed....AGAIN. I've seen this before. Times when life doesn't go right for him in any area of his life. Instead of turning things around, he runs. Me letting him go, his slow performance at work, (if) things slowing down with OW....etc....are all things that would make him say...see, this is the perfect time to bolt. And yes, he would leave his D4. I know he truly loves her, but I have no doubts that he'd go.

Thank you!

Sue,

I hate to say this, but it sounds like the self pity is surfacing with your H. Can he not see that he brought this on himself?

Wow, he just keeps making me want to slap him more and more. So, GOD is punishing him?

That must be because it was GOD who poured all that booze down his throat, and then forced him to climb behind the wheel of a car. Yeah, right....

And it must also be GOD who, in spite of all the hard, dedicated, serious work he has put in on his job, caused his numbers to slip. Yeah, right...

Bottom line, H just keeps digging his own crummy hole, and then looking for someone else to blame it on. Blame Sue, blame OW, blame God, blame the police, blame his coworkers, on and on and on - and all of the blame really belongs squarely on his sorry a$$.It wouldn't surprise me to learn that SHE is moving HIM out of her life. (Can't imagine why, he's such a terrific catch, after all....) In either case:Now THIS scares me. I worry that H will clean out your bank account and leave you holding the bag - financially, legally, you name it. For example - is it possible he could decide to bug out, taking the working van and leave you with his broken down car?

Please, Please, PLEASE - take EVERY SINGLE STEP YOU CAN to protect yourself from any irresponsible and selfish actions he might take along those lines.

I felt the same thing that you both (Saffie & Rob) mentioned above. That H is looking for pity & that he's not realizing that he did this. He's looking for someone to say, Oh honey, what can I do to help you. How can I make this better for you. Things I used to do. God didn't have anything to do with it. And with the car, well trust me, he could have had that fixed long ago. He KNEW it needed work. He had his uncle work on it back in Jan. & his uncle told him that a few other things needed to be seriously looked at. I know he's trying to put this back on me. He asked ME last night what my problem was. I didn't really react to his come ons and he got mad at me.

As far as the draining of accounts or sticking me with his car. Well, I know my H is a ba$tard sometimes, but I would be absolutely floored if he did that. I know that may sound strange to some of you and you're probably thinking...Now Sue, don't underestimate the WAS. I know he doesn't want the responsibility of the van. Yes it runs better, but the car has no payment attached. It's paid off. The van has a couple of years of payments left on it. There's a lot of things that I think he would do, but doing something that would obviously harm D4 isn't something that he'd do. I know his drinking and a divorce is harm, but he doesn't see those things that way. Now leaving me high & dry would and he knows that. Now I can see him leaving and me getting little to no help from him, but he wouldn't take everything on top of all that. Any of that make sense?

Maybe H is also in a SUPER PI$$Y mood because it's his birthday today and he can't spend it out drinking or with OW.

SueS

I really hope you are right, Sue.

Just to play devil's advocate a little more - if you work very hard to protect yourself and it turns out you didn't need to go that far, what's the harm?

Rob, you are right. I do need to do what I can to protect myself. I'll do what I can. I don't want to have to depend on anyone else by myself for what D4 and I need. Hopefully H will step up and give his fair share. I can guarantee though that whatever his fair share is, won't seem fair to him. Money spent on partying, concerts...etc. is okay but money spent on anything....it's like pulling teeth to get him to put it out. I remember years ago him complaining about the price of a 6-pack going up. I told him that he never has a problem paying for several beers at a concert. But if he'd just stop to think about it, he'd see that he could have friends over for a nice BBQ and beers with the money he spends for drinking at a concert.

SueS