Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Mulesqb still getting kicked in the a$$

Guys - I can't figure this out anymore. This morning she was back to normal (looking sad though), being nice. She walked me out to my car when I left and went for a walk. I guess she's in a good mood because I am taking the boys to the Mets game tonight. Her parents called me earlier. They are going to suggest she go and stay at their house alone for a few days. They are going to go stay with her aunt if she accepts. They told me they are so worried. They just want to get her to see a psychiatrist asap. They set up her appointment with the current psychologist. They are going to call and ask if they can get her to go twice a week. I don't know what to do - I don't think she will react well to everybody being all over her - that's why I am stepping back a pinch. Her father told me that she called him after I spoke to her from work yesterday and said i made her feel better. This is a mess.

OK - she called me a little while ago - seems to be in a good mood, asked if I can pick up a prescrip for her. She was asking for help to map out the summer camp sked with the boys.

On the plus side - S14 has b-ball practice tonight and S10 may not want to go to the Mets game. If we don't go, she asked if we could get some Chinese together.

Her mom called me and told me that her father spoke to her and she agreed to start going to IC 2x per week. She refused to stay at their house though. She said she doesn't want to leave her house.

All in all, not a bad outcome, Mules. The IC commitment is huge.

Puppy

Thx Puppy - keeping fingers crossed about it.

Mules,

I'd probably defer to the guys with more experience with MLC, but when I read your story I think a)that you handled it fine by telling her you love her and b) that you might not see substantial progress until you get some time apart. I get the sense that she is always going to compare the grass is greener (ie away from you and the kids) with life at home until she gets apart for awhile (and I don't think a day or two will do it). Also, she probably has depression and/or PMDD and needs meds. Hopefully she gets some help. You're doing as well as you can under the circumstances, certainly better than I would; I'd have said, "I think maybe we need a couple months apart."

Thanks Phoenix - I guess I'm afraid of what she will do with the couple of months apart. I'm afraid that maybe the grass will be greener in her mind and I'll lose her all over again. If she starts going to IC twice per week maybe i can ride this sitch a little longer until they make progress. She is just so different. Now she is treating me very nice. I wish we could just sell the house and move and buy a new one away from this situation. But I think if I bring that up she will run and think the legal sep is the way to go again.

I spoke to the boys on the way to the Mets game last night (what a terrible game!). They are just hurting very badly. They say that they are just so mad that all she wants to do is spend time with the neighbors. They know they are acting badly but they just can't help it. They told me a story about the day that she hit me with the legal sep. They said that when she put on her bikini and went over there they came up to my room and saw me sitting very dejected. They then went out and went over to their house and snuck in the garage. S14 took out the neighbor's boots and urinated in them while S10 went into their house and hid the remote control that I helped them pick out. This is how lost my kids are. They think that was the right thing to do. I told them that while their hearts are in the right place that was an awful thing to do. That is thinking like the neighbor - not us. I have IC tonite - I am going to talk about bringing them in.


They also said that she won't let them do anything at home (they are now off from school) and gets mad at them on the drop of a dime. When i got home yesterday, I thought just the opposite - I thought she was trying very hard.

Last night in bed I felt a little exasperated. The boys and I really had fun at the game despite the outcome. MY S10 asked for a foam finger (he never asks for anything---EVER) so i got him one. He was having so much fun with it. When I went to bed I decided to stay as far to miy side as possible - really for no reason. A funny thing happened. A couple of times during the night she kicked me which meant she really moved over from where she usually is. When I awoke this morning she was pretty much in the middle of the bed which is where I normally am. The strangeness continues.

Sorry Mules, but that story had me chuckling....I love your boys !!!

Arthur - I know, I love that they are so protective of their family - but they are just acting out so much. I also hope that I am bringing them up to have more class than that. That is something the neighbor would do, not me.

I hope that maybe a few months from now I will be able to enjoy that story - I really do. It could be our secret.

I know. That's the problem. Let that fear go. Would you prefer that she was happy in greener grass or miserable (and making you miserable) with you? You are trying to control her (and so is her family); you keep pushing counseling and want to keep her close to you for fear she'll get a whiff of some other good life and be gone for good. Well guess what--that could happen even if she's with you. It's bad enough that she dreams of greener grass. The illusion/fantasy is harder to compete against than reality.

The truth is that she is going to do what she is going to do regardless of where she is and whether she is in counseling or not. Especially if this is something like a mid-life crisis, and I personally think it is.

My ex got separation from us immediately, and filed for divorce within 3 weeks. She was in twice a week counseling with a Doctor not just a therapist, and he encouraged her to do "what will make you happy."

You just never know.

One clear message that we would send to you during this time is to only attempt to control what YOU can control. Your wife and her actions is definitely not one of those things, despite how helpless that makes us feel.

I think you are doing what can be done. Encourage her, continue to love and support her, validate her feelings and yet refuse to agree to statements that you don't agree with. If you ALL can tolerate each other at home, wonderful. Just know that in many of these situations, people tend to find that the distance is ultimately helpful. For sanity at the very least and possibly for the relationship as well.

This is not an easy journey Mules. It will wear you down more quickly than you could believe. But your marriage and your family is something that you would endure just about anything for, right? Honestly, until and unless infidelity comes in to the picture, can you morally do anything but continue to fight for this marriage?

You are the important thing right now. Actually, you and your boys. Because those are two things that you CAN make plans for to help during this time. As for your wife, she must find her way through this time.

You are trying to reach a point where you can stop taking her behavior and words personally. Tell yourself, over and over again, that this is NOT about you and NOT about the boys. This is about her and what is going on inside. Hopefully she has a good counselor who will help her figure out what is going on inside. But pressure from the outside, whether from you, the boys, or her parents has typically shown to be a big negative.

The MLC'er is experiencing a level of frustration similar to what the rest of you are going through. In their confusion they cry out, act out, and vascillate back and forth between seeming in control and out of control. This is NORMAL in this situation, and the down times she goes through is NOT because of you or the boys.

Stop taking this personally. If it helps, think of this as a medical condition she is suffering with. If she had cancer, you would not blame yourself for that, nor would you take offense when she has a bad day. The inner turmoil is something she has no control over right now.

I hate to keep bringing it up, but Sue Monk Kidd was experiencing basically an MLC at the time of writing the book I recommended. While much of her story is from the spiritual side, she talks at length about the feelings of restlessness, dissatisfaction - especially with things that were once satisfying - and the sense of being lost with no direction. She found her way out, and your wife can do the same.


Validate.
Support.
Love unconditionally.
Don't take her words/actions personally.
Speak the truth in love.
Feed YOUR soul and emotions with friends and family.


You CAN do this. It will be hard and painful, but you can. And it IS worth it. Ask Jackthreebeans.


Blessings,


Bill