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Pretty much all you can do brother is pray. That is about the only thing that keeps me going through this and finally attending church on a regular basis. Like the bible study teacher pointed out Sunday morning, your prayers are not being answered because you arent following the word. Really strikes me everytime I attend a church function I pick up something I should be doing. Good luck and sorry you, I and everyone else have found this route in life that we thought never imaginable.

Thanks Jandn. I found myself praying the rosary last night to help me fall asleep...remembering all of my contributions to this situation, asking for strength to change, forgiveness for my actions, and for heavenly protection of my children as they are the ones that will suffer the most. I also prayed that my WAW gets the strength and courage she needs for her journey as well.

I am sitting here this morning wondering, how does one balance LRT with a live in WAW. I feel that I may be coming across as cold, when I am not trying to. Is that normal? She is still referring to me as honey and when she asks questions, I respond and engage in small talk but nothing in-depth. Is it wrong to leave subtle (yet potentially obvious clues) for her about what I am doing? For instance, I left the sleeve to my nicotine patch on the kitchen island knowing that she'll see it. I also left my portfolio there with some notes on what I need to do (defer MBA program until 2009, discuss alc issues with C, etc...). I don't want to tell her that I am doing these but they are strong indications of my dedication to the situation. Will this push her away? I don't know.

My time with kids is going great and I feel there too, that she might think that I am over compensating when I am not. I have just learned so much from a book I am reading, the involved father, and the positive response I am getting from the kids is keeping and growing my resolve.

I also, am not a patient person. I have a very good job that requires strong analytic, problem-solving and strategic skills, of which I am very adept, and unfortunately, it has me over-analyzing what is going on. Can anyone recommend a book (I am begginging to enjoy self-help books, now) on patience/becoming more patient?

1 week bomb anniversay tonight...

Well, just finished up with C and wanted to share something that is probably familiar with a lot of sitch's. He talked of the old template from years ago, farmers and their wives, and what the roles were on the farm. Over time, our society has grown and changed but these roles are somewhat innate in the male and female. Men want to build empires, accumulate weatlth, be successful...that's what we value. Women are nurturing and caring and want to feel valued in that way. The more us men want to advance in our jobs etc...we want to feel value and feel that we are adding value to the relationship. The more women nurture and care for the house, the more they want to be valued for that. Of course, if the W is working outside the home, and the H does not help around the house..you can see how problems can arise.

I know I did a bad job explaining this but I guess I saw my value as doing the best I can at work and that I had to do nothing else, except cope with the stresses. My WAW, was doing everything to keep the house running, while working and wanted to feel valued for that. The problem is without balance, there is no way this can go on indefinitely because as what happened to my WAW, they burn out, stop trying and feel dead in the R due to lack of value. How could I have valued her more, by reinforcing her nurturing side by helping her, by allowing her to feel that she could escape the chores of the house for alone time, etc...I was bad with the help and although I never disallowed her from doing her own things, she had the guilt to even ask, as she was not certain of my abilities with the house.

Well, as the day goes on, if I can find a better way to describe this I will. It's interesting that in the book, The Involved Father, the author brings up this very particular point as well. There has to be the balance.

Now, what action outside of my involvment with me children, chores etc...can I do for myself to allow me to allow the M to have this balance. Well, my next 180 is with my career. I was accepted into a top MBA program that my W and I were excited about. It would certainly allow us to achieve not only my career goals but also, allow us to move back to be nearer family. However, it would require an immense amount of work.

I called the program today and deferred until Sept 09, at which point, I hope the W and can sit down and decide if then is a good time. Thing is, I am so focused on changing everything I can for me and this will just be starting at the wrong time and would cause a major setback. Why would W want to come back if she knows that on top of my 40 -60 hrs at the office, I'll be downstairs for another 20 or so studying. This is by far, the most selfless act I have ever done and am proud of that. I don't want my W to have that fear as it will definitely keep any progress from occurring and I am changing from being me first to placing my W and my kids above all else.

Good call, Sunshine.

Career is important, my family and I have certainly enjoyed the fruits of my labor. But it pales in comparison with family. One of the things my wife said to me during the bomb conversation sticks in my mind. When I told her what a financial hit it would be for us to live separately, she said "I'd rather be poor and happy."

Like you, I thought that providing was the main part of being a husband and father. That's actually just the beginning. I've allowed the pressures (or at least how I handle them) of my job to endanger my marriage. If I lose that, and the odds are pretty much against me, all that career nonsense will have been for nothing.

Keep your marriage first!

I have resisted the urge to bring that point up fearing a similar response. My WAW is good at researching things and if she has done her homework, she figure out that it won't be necessarily what she might have been thinking.

I have started reading a book on happiness and wanted to share some quotes of famous folk. My WAW wants to be happy...I am trying to develop and strengthen a PMA.

The search for happiness always ends in the ghastly sense of the bottomless nothingness into which you inevitably fall if you strain any further.
DH Lawrence

You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.
Albert Camus

Pleasur by its very nature is transistory while happiness is permanent.
F Kafka

So it's been a week since the volcano erupted. My WAW has moved downstairs since then and I have been focused on my 180s (housework, invovlement with children, deferring MBA program, alc, smoking, etc...). Reflecting back on our years together, I have learned that communication has always been an issue, not knowing how to effectively communicate our needs nor our feelings. Of course, given the situation, I will have to wait to work on this with her when the time comes.

I was thinking after I posted last night, how my traditional view of my parenting role, coupled with other issues, has really taking a toll on the M. The 3rd chapter in the book I am reading is all about how comparing our situation to others will never allow us to be happy. We are where we are and we need to find happiness within that state. I fell into the trap that I need to keep my career moving forward, climb the corporate ladder, build wealth etc..., at the expense of all other things. These things provide for more pleasureable experiences (vacations, toys, fancy dinners etc...) but true happiness would be forever out of reach unless I truly focused on what really mattered in my current state. I was doing extremely well and could provide much for my family but that is not what the family truly needed.

I have been also reflecting on how worn out my WAW must feel. Whereas I enjoy the time I spend with the kids ( have never felt this fulfilled), helping them learn, doing chores, cooking dinner (which I did most of the time anyway), I am tired and I have only been doing this a week. I can't imagine how WAW must feel after doing this for the past 2+ years. If we only had taken the time to discuss and establish a proper division of responsibilities based upon what we wanted and best suited for.

As I enter into week 2, I still have a lingering question that I will post on this thread and in the WAS section. Am I doing this right? Thoughts anyone?

Question needs answer...

My live-in WAW emailed me this morning asking if I mind if she goes out Friday to friends and cooks dinner for them. She also asked if I had plans...I emailed back that the what she was thinking was a fabulous idea and that they would appreciate it and to have fun and enjoy the evening.

I reread parts of DR again today and am wondering if this is "too enthusiastic" or inline with how I should be approaching? Thoughts?

Well, shortly after my WAW came home from work and joined us for dinner, I asked her if she would have time tonight to talk about a few things. She had told me earlier in dinner that she would be going over to a friends late in the evening so I thought in between the kids going to bed and her getting ready would be a good time. She said yes, which was nice. Well, I also said that I need to run out for a few and she asked when and I said whenever but if W were to bathe kids, I could run out now and be back in time to lay them down. W said okay, it has been my normal routine. I said well, it shouldn't have been and W said, well it was. I said I would wait until after I bathed them and W said she didn't want to feel the guilt. So, she started the bath water while I was still in the kitchen cleaning up. A few minutes passed and I went to the bathroom door and asked if it was okay for me to leave and there was no answer. A few minutes passed, the water was still running, I thought maybe she was downstairs so I went to the bathroom to turn off the water. W was in the br crying. Not good.

In anycase, when I got back from picking up fruit for the kids, I got them into bed and did some quick chores around the house. W was on couch resting so I went outside to read. When I came in for more water, she said why don't we talk and I said now is not good. You are resting and will be leaving soon. She insisted so I sat down and said, I have been reading a lot on parenting and fatherhood and it's interesting watching the behaviours of the kids and that I am beginning to understand some things. I asked her if she has read any parenting books, to which she replied...No. I still want a divorce.

Well, I just said, that is not what I wanted to talk about tonight and I went back outside. W went downstairs to get ready.

Time passed and she came outside before leaving and we actually had quite a pleasant conversation until she brought up how uninvovled (W POV) I had been with the kids and I said, I can't change the past but I am enjoying the present and am looking forward to being a great father in the future. She asked if I wanted to talk about our separation. I said no. There is nothing to talk about and changed to the topic to the pleasant evening. She left to go out shortly thereafter.

It's interesting because these two simple conversations allowed my anxiety level to decrease. I went to bed feeling at ease and awoke to some pleasant short conversations/inquiries with the WAW.

Still difficult balancing GAL when her POV is one that I was never around helping.

I read several more chapters in my happiness book last night. Nothing too insightful, just the already familiar.

Is there anyone in a similar sitch where WAW is still live-in, there are kids, and having issues with GAL. Any advice would be appreciated.

I was rereading sections of DR during lunch and I remembered that my W called me arrogant, during the bombing raid last week. I told W that no one has ever called me that before and I was somewhat take aback.

Well, I decided to look at the definion:

1. making claims or pretensions to superior importance or rights; overbearingly assuming; insolently proud: an arrogant public official.
2. characterized by or proceeding from arrogance: arrogant claims.

offensive display of superiority or self-importance; overbearing pride

Gives me another thing to think about for stopping more of the same but unsure how to proceed on this one.

In any case, anybody have any advice for how to GAL when live-in WAW POV is that I was never around helping? Any ideas for activities? Kind of stuck on this one.