Well, just so you know - ultimatums on ending things with OM, including quitting jobs, is often what is needed. Otherwise the temptation to slide back into an EA or PA is too great. Harsh as it sounds. Some couples have even moved to a different state. I don't know if such drastic measures are always needed or not - I've obviously not been successful in my own sitch. It doesn't take much searching on google or looking through books, though, to see what most marriage counselors recommend. For instance, google "mayo clinic marital affair" and you'll see a standard example.
I think your H giving up after an ultimatum isn't met is unfortunate. As many people say on these boards, the betrayed spouse should shine a light back to the marriage so that the betraying spouse will see that the grass isn't necessarily greener. Doesn't sound like he's shining a very bright light. Maybe if you offered him a little more encouragement he'd do more? Not sure if you're in a place to offer encouragement.
You should do some reading, thinking, and talking to others. There's a lot on your plate right now. I really think you might benefit from the Glass book, though, to keep your friendship with OM in perspective.
And be warned - some LBS can feel a lot of resentment, so if one of us is rude to you or says mean things, please don't take it personally. We all benefit by having you participate in this forum!
- up until then, I had been the ideal wife despite my unhappiness. I also didn't want to hurt him, because (believe it or not) women in general tend to want to look after everyone else's feelings first and put themselves last...
yes, indeed we do that don't we?? In hindsight, I called that woman I use to be, 'martyr wife'. Check out the difference between a martyr and a victim.
1- What do you need H to do in order for you to feel the intimacy, respect, and care as a partner in the R? What can you do to provide intimacy, respect & care for H that is healthy for you to do?
Now if H could do those things for you? Is he the kind of man you would want to be in a R with? If, yes, then...
2- Write those things down and ask him if there is a time that you can share those things with him.
hopefully that may help your soul-searching and maybe your heart-to-hear talk with H.
As Lodo says, let some of what is directed towards you roll off your back, you will find support here.
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
