Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? ms ladybug SQUISHED (2)

ms ladybug... not to hijack, but that letter was awesome , well done.. am i ok to send something like that someday? i did something similar in the past, but not quite from the heart like yours was..

That was such a great letter you wrote, i am touched

red, of course it's oK for you to send a letter like that SOMEDAY. I still think your sitch is too new right now.

Have you identified what her major complaints are about you? Are you truly able to tell her that you know you f'd up? What are you doing to fix things?
Tell me about the letter you sent in the past. Did she respond well to it?

For me it was less of how he's going to respond and more to just get it off my chest, and humble myself (not easy for me, stupid pride).

I sent her an apology for being selfish..this was when it was very new..once i get the other PC up and running i will show you, it's saved in there. She basically responded with " i need to do stuff for me(her)"..you need to get support but not from me.. were done.. type of stuff


When i sent the email.. i don't think it was for the right reason, it was pleading for her to stay... dumb..



Yes, my major F ups, ...i was acting like a 20 year old.. with the responsibilities of a 37 year old, whose W and myself were to start a family.. have children.. i know everything i did wrong..

I don't do any of that, i know what i am doing to be positive.. I know I will be a good father ... with the new positivity in me.. i know i will do well.. (does that sound too selfish?)


I guess we shall see what time brings..

Well, I know he got the email. He sent me an email a bit ago just about a tricycle he thinks we should buy for s2. So, he's been in his email. I don't know if he read it or deleted it or anything. He didn't respond to it. I'm OK with that. In fact, I'd like him to take some time to think about it if he's going to respond at all. Or perhaps he won't repsond, and I'm OK with that too. It was for me (and Dom ).

good for you, whatever is best for you

Ladybug,

Look at the positive, the last e-mail correspondence you had like this he went off on you. This time although he hasn't responded he hasn't responded negatively either. Just keep yourself from asking about it.....it is likely sinking in with him.

QUICK UPDATE:

I'm pretty sure he read the email. Last night when the kids called to say good-night he was out getting a couple drinks with his cousin. So, when I got on the phone, he actually talked a bit, told me where he was (I didn't ask), and stayed on the phone for a couple minutes. I told him to tell his cousin I said "hi", and he said he would.

Then, he calls me again at 12:30am, I was asleep, but asnwered the phone. There was a lot of small talk, telling me about his cousin and what he's up to, some work stuff, etc...I kept expecting him to bring up the email, but he never did. Then, he said, "so, do you want me to come over?" (his line for a booty call). I thought about this before, and what I would do. I know it messes with my head, especially now that he's made clear he wants out, but I also thought about what Sara said, about him calling for sex if he doesn't have a girlfriend. Likely, he's spending time with someone, but if I can fulfill the physical side of things, for right now, I think I should. So, I said, "sure".
When he came over, he got in bed, and gave me a hug and said, "I miss you." (now, whether he means, I miss sex, or I miss YOU, I'm not sure, but it was nice to hear). And I said, "I miss you too." It was a nice time.
Of course, I got the whole pull back this morning. He got up when the alarm went off, and I asked if he wanted coffee. He said, "no. I need to go get ready for my class." and he walked out the door. Not a look, not a good-bye, nothing. I was prepared for that, and not upset. I figure, after last night, I'll give him some time.

I took the kids to swimming lessons, and then we went to the zoo with my mom. While we were at the zoo, h calls me and says, "where are you?" I said, "I'm at the zoo." ( I told him yesterday that I was taking the kids there today). He said, "so am I. My class got out early." I was REALLY shocked to hear that. So, I went to the entrance, so he could use our pass to get in. We didn't stay long. It was really hot today (106), and h was a bit hungover.

We did all go to lunch afterwards. While we were at lunch, h asked what I was doing today. I has to take my mom back to her car, but after that I wasn't sure. I asked him if he was going to go take a nap, and he said, "Well, I was going to go back to our house and nap if you're going to be there." I said, "OK. I can do that." He got a little pissy for some reason, and said, "do you even care?" What?? I said, "yes. I care, I'll come home after I take my mom to her car."

So, he's been here since. Right now he's out renting a movie and buying ice cream. It's not all roses, and he's acting a little grumpy...but he's HERE. I made a little slip up. I went to do something in the bedroom, and h's phone was on the nightstand and ringing like a text was coming in. I read it, and didn't understand it, but it sounded like a girl. So, I go to h on the couch, and toss him his phone and just said, "you have a text." and I walked away. I was mad, but while I was in the other room he makes a phone call. Then, when I walk back he said "that was Ed" and explained the text. I was in my head thinking all kinds of senarious of ow's and it was Ed.

He also wants to take the kids and I to his company picnic tomorrow. I see this as BIG. He will be around virtually EVERYONE he works with, and he wants me there!!

No mention of the email, may never be, but I'm OK with that.

Again, I know this is a roller coaster, but the ups are so nice.

Hi Ladybug,

Happy to hear the news. Looks like the apology made a difference. I don't think it's a bad thing to let him know you don't approve of other women. I bet he doesn't want you with other men either. My philosophy is to be sure you win the battle of the bedroom. That is, make sure no one else can give him better sex than you do. Pull out all the stops, and do it like you did when you were dating, not just married people sex. I bought some really sexy lingerie from Fredericks of Hollywood. That always made for a steamy night. A separation can actually make your marriage better if you make changes to liven things up.

I'm back from vacation!

yes, i was nagging... and i'm glad it finally had positive effect

been catching up. it wasnt clear to me, if you put in the "i dont expect you to respond" stuff. I think that would have been a mistake to keep it in,. you want him to say SOMETHING?




ooo... i need to frame that or something..


i'm going to make some retroactive comments... not to be harsh on you, but in the spirit of "lets review what was done, and maybe think of better ways to do it, if there is a next time.

I think that your email was quite a nice thing to write. It just wasnt as good as it could have been.

The book suggests (in the SECOND half... did you get to it? that sometimes, it is important to actually ask for forgiveness, over just "offering an apology".
Your letter was generally really great, I think... except that it only "offered an apology". it did not actually ask for forgiveness, and in some ways, used false modesty to avoid getting forgiveness.

I say "false modesty", because you wrote ".... even if it's not in you to forgive me"... but nowhere did you actually ASK to be forgiven?


I think by writing what you wrote in your email, you came a long way from where you were before you wrote it. But you didnt go "all the way". You didnt actually "ask for forgiveness".

I think that you may be the kind of person who wont directly "ask for forgiveness", because you feel that is displaying weakness in yourself, and you dont want to do that.

Which is exactly why you need to do it
I think your husband already knows this about you pretty well.... (that you dont ask for forgiveness, because you dont want to "seem weak". Your pride thing.)

There is also the issue of apologising in person, vs doing it in writing.
It's MORE DIFFICULT to apologise in person. It takes more courage. It makes a person feel more weak to do it in person, than in writing. Am I right?

Sooo... the next time you think he's about ready to "come a callin' round your door"... you might gently ask him about his opinion, face-to-face, on what you wrote, if he hasnt brought it up already.

------



for what it's worth, i'm going to post a little update about my own run-in with that stuff, on "my thread".
However, my situation is very, VERY different from yours.

Your husband wants you to ask for forgiveness from him.

My wife, I think has long since chosen to stop caring about that.

PS: I think it's great he invited you to the company picnic today! I hope it goes well for you

AAAND.. here's your first thread.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1486262&page=0&fpart=1