Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? New thread, new phase?

Dearest Julia,

Thank you so much for your help on my thread, girl!!! It sounds like you have lots of questions and are getting great advice from One Day and TwinDad already! It is so great to have their perspectives!

One thing that comes to mind about how to ask MEN to help do things like prepare your house for sale is to say "WILL you help me do ____?" instead of "CAN you help me do ___?" Have you read mars and venus? there is a whole section on how the CAN makes men feel weird, but the WILL makes them think, YES, I WILL HELP!!!!

One Day already pointed out that it was four months before she saw a baby step from her H. In my situation I had no contact and then after over 5 months (??) there was a tiny contact from my B. I would not be surprised if others found it took 1-4 or more months of DB'ing before their WA responded with a baby step. I think part of it is that they are going through so much themselves, it is maybe hard for them to pick up on what is going on around them. No matter what they say, leaving your partner cannot be easy... AND we have to show them that our changes are consistent before they will believe we are for REAL. All of that takes time. I know as OD said, that's not much consolation, but the time is going to pass any way, it's up to us to choose how to let it work for us in our situations!



OK, I don't think it's possible to detach too much--but maybe you could explain more what you are feeling. Frequently a DB'er will get more discouraged/negative about their sitch right before they detach a big chunk more. Also, it is par for the course to feel nothing for your H right now and not find him attractive or even recognizable. That's why we call them Aliens That doesn't mean that your real H isn't hidden deep inside somewhere.



I'm glad you're keeping track of what is working and not working, and I'm sorry to hear that you feel like nothing is working. I would experiment some more before concluding that nothing you do has any effect. honestly LRT can be really powerful because it gives the WA space to miss you and wonder about you. It might be working more than you can see at the moment. MWD says to try most techiques for 2 weeks before evaluating whether or not they work. on the "going dark" section of the BB it says you can do NC for 2,3, or 6 months (!!!). Going Dark/NC and LRT are a little bit different, but I just mean to say that even though LRT is one of the most powerful techniques it still can take longer than the other ones. Esp if there is an MLC element, which I am not sure, there many be an MLC element with your H?




((((JULIA)))) don't worry darling! you can tell us ANYtHing and we won't reject you. I am sure many of us on the BB would love for a handsome loving human to take us into their arms!!! Don't be ashamed. Of course it's confusing!!! Just be careful. You are probably really craving comfort and consolation right now, but if you think things really might work out with Old Friend, wait on it a bit. You wouldn't want to start a new relationship on shaky ground, so build some solid ground for yourself with yourself before doing anything radical with Old Friend!!

About your birthday, just make yourself some fabulous plans and act as if you aren't expecting anything from H. Even if you need to pretend he is away on a trip or on a mission to the moon. Just make it a special happy day for yourself with your friends! Painting pottery sounds fun!

Keep posting, Julia!!!!

(((((JULIA))))
love,
T

Transformer, thank you for your post!

I have been thinking about reading Mars and Venus, I will now and see what it says.

I suppose in regards to not seeing results I am just panicking because the only results I am seeing are him being so selfish in his thinking. It was all evident from our meeting. That the only thing that had been on his mind was the house because his parents were annoying him, not that I may need a bit of time to get used to things. I suppose it is because I still consider his feelings I expect him to consider mine - not an unreasonable request but maybe a tad unrealistic at the moment.

I think there is quite a big MLC element to my h even though he is only 26. His illness was a huge thing and he has maybe thought that he needs to be 'young' and shake off his responsibilities while he has time. There is definite denial of his illness - he refused to go to the doctors for 6 months after his final operation and it was only because I had booked it and escorted him that he went. When he got the all clear I said I don't care if you don't want me to and gave him a huge hug and we both cried with relief. I think he is really scared of it happening again, as it is a chronic disease, but at the same time not taking any precautions such as easing the stress in his life and eating properly. It is really weird and I don't understand it, the doctor told him no stress and a healthy diet and instead he leaves his wife and eats rubbish!

I suppose I was thinking that I had detached too much because I was actively resenting him so much that I couldn't imagine having him anywhere near me ever again! I realise this is just a feeling and it has kind of past but I have definitely detached more now., and that is a scary realisation for me.

You are right I am not going to expect anything from my h for my birthday. There is no point stressing about it. It would be nice if contact happened but I really doubt it will.

You know, now I have decided about the house I really want to get out of there. It is full of memories. Since I contacted my h yesterday saying I was ready with my decision with the house, how would he like to play the next part he hasn’t contacted me. Is he just leaving me to stew or is he having second thoughts? Ah, this is when I have to detach – detach, detach, detach!

When h left he took a small bag and that was it, he has been back for nothing since. All his stuff is still there, his part of the wardrobe is full of clothes and I don't know that it is good for me. I think it has been what has stemmed the thought that this is just temporary and that he will be back soon. I don't really understand that.

With regards to old friend, I know that it isn't anything really. It was just nice to have a bit of comfort and you are so right that I am craving comfort and consolation at the moment. When he was hugging me I did just think this is very nice but it is not the same/ nearly as nice as an h hug. My h was an expert hugger, in fact the best hugger ever... although Jeff's virtual ones come pretty close!!

I read Mars and Venus...it has great tips.

As far as your friend, human contact can be very nice. There is no harm in a hug. But I can totally relate when you say it was not the same as your h's hugs...even now, with the strain between us, I still would take my H's quick little hugs over anything.

Keep in mind, that your H is an alien right now. It is hard, I think, because we feel so mucnh, and our S's feel so little. I think Jeff is right when he says detaching and limiting the phone calling is a bit of self preservation, something we all need.

(((Julia)))

Hi Julia, I found it helpful to think, I cant expect him to have feelings for me, or empathy, or behave in a thoughtful manner as really... he's dumped me! So ANY contact/phonecall/hug from him is a bonus and I just feel grateful that he is still in my life with no anger between us.

I think your H is too young (?) for MLC and he's too young for his Saturn Return (sometimes referred to as QLC - quarter life, around 28-30), but clearly the realisation that he is MORTAL and has to change his lifestyle permenantly, has hit him hard. Seeing as he is ignoring the doctors advice!

Have you read much on what he may be going through? I have had 7 months of IC and spent alot of it talking about my BFs brain, why he may be behaving in certain ways and about depression. I guess you have to separate the behaviour from the man, your H is still in there, but some of his behaviours arent very nice.

I didnt see a baby step either for 4 months in my sitch, but I didnt contact him for a month AT ALL and eventually he phoned and invited himself round (that was first week of Feb). To begin with, every time I saw him, it was hard, but I smiled and put on an act...if he hugged me, I accepted it, but I didnt move to hug him. Stick to the NC...but if he contacts you, accept his contact graciously. Mirror his level of "openness", if he chats to you about work, chat to him about work.

About the cat - same here. Its his cat (my beloved tomcat died the week before the bomb!) and it went unsaid between us that shes staying here. I have never mentioned as, as I also know that he wouldnt want the responsibility. I guess you should take care of it for him! Dont even mention it, if he doesnt.

I guess I just have this total compassion and love for my BF and feel that he is struggling with a difficult time in his life. When I see him, I'm calm, I dont jabber at him, I listen, I talk softly (apparently this is important for men in MLC/depression/crisis), I am carring, consistent, but I never put MY emotions on him or tell him how I feel. I also learnt that his LoveLanguage is Acts of Service and so I offer to "do" things for him (limited scope), like I am going to darn a t-shirt for him this week that he ripped gardening.

Ali x

Julia,

I have to reiterate some of the caution with leaning on an old friend of the other sex. It is a very slippery slope! and it is easily defensible in ones own eyes until one day where you realize you have developed feelings. Take it from me.....I fell into this trap about 5 years ago when I was being severely neglected by my W. Your sould will crave this attnetion like a drug and nature takes care of the rest. You may not get involved physically but the emotional bond can be extremely strong. I would suggest against it if you are still fighting for your M. It will only be a deterent in the future during the rebuilding process and WILL affect your feelings toward your H.

On a lighter note, have you had any luck in getting H to come over and help out with the house?

I agree, TwinDad, but I have a male friend (who is married, btw, and I love his W dearly) who gives great hugs. Of course, there is nothing of that nature between us either, and he does live in a different state. But sometimes, when I really need the male perspective, I call him because he is great to talk to.

I think as long as it doesn't get to a romantic level, leaning on an old friend is fine. But if you are feeling an attraction and you still want to work on the M, then you do need to leave it alone.

Hi Guys, thanks for your input. Lola, there is definitely an element of attraction between the old friend. I'm not sure it would stay platonic in my slightly vulnerable state so I think I do need to leave the old friend alone. At least while I am still dedicated to my marriage. It would be quite easy to justify it to myself and I really appreciate you all being frank with me.

I finally got a text back from my h in response to the one I sent saying I had now thought about the house would he like to discuss it. It said

"Hi, sorry for taking so long, I dropped my phone in the bath and it's only just started working again. We could meet tomorrow if you're free?"

This kinda vexed me first of all but on rereading it is quite amusing. This is quite typical of things he/ I used to do and we used to laugh about it. I can't make tomorrow as I am going out for birthday celebrations with my sister as it is her birthday and I am also busy the rest of the week but I thought about suggesting meeting for breakfast one morning. He always used to love doing that. It would also mean limiting time so he wouldn't feel trapped and I would have an excuse to leave. How do you guys think I should respond?

Hi Julia,

I'd wait until tomorrow and then send a happy, upbeat text daying that meeting up sounds good but you're busy for the next few days. How about breakfast next week?

Then see what he says. In relation to your list on the house sale, I'm inclined to not push to split up your stuff. If splitting up your stuff isn't what you want (I guess it's not if you're standing for your M?), then you shouldn't bring it up. let him do it if he wants to- he probably won't if he's confused or in a crisis. BTW, I think your H could be having a QLC- they can hit at any time from 25 onwards, and if there's an element of serious illness, it could have precipitated the feelings of the fleeting nature of life and compounded things. My H was 27 when his started, possibly 26- hard to pinpoint when the feelings settle in them. MWD also says somewhere that MLC can hit in the 20s; there's not really an age limit, although it is more common in the late 40s).

I also wouldn't worry too much about H not taking his stuff- it's also a sign of the confused mind. I still have 80% of my H's clothes here at home, all of our joint belongings, his CDs, books, camera, shoes, videos, DVDs, his TV. And it's been 10 months since he moved out. The way I see it, he's not committed to being gone, and I'm not going to push him out. Although that should obviously be a personal call to make.

Finally, if you want to sell the house, can you get it in shape without H? I wonder if it'd be a 180 of sorts. The less you ask him to do, probably the better as they really can't stand any sort of pressure if they're crisis-ing.....

Sorry for the somewhat skipping-about post, BTW!

L. xx

PS> Madame K- I'm not sure whether to be happy or sad at being called a DB veteran.

Hey Lisa

I do think it is a quarter life crisis brought on by the illness. It has all the classic signs to me.

I could get it into shape without him. Although, I always did everything with the house as after the illness he just opted out. Also, since he left I have been left to deal with everything, even when there was a crisis with the roof he refused to come and help. I also feel it lets him off the hook, although I know it is exerting pressure on him - maybe I'll see what he comes up with and respond to that instead of fixing and taking charge. That could be a huge 180 for me.

I find it so strange that they don't take their things. It is quite bizarre! The only real thing he took was his laptop and ipod, oh and underwear!

I guess you are right on splitting stuff, that is me wanting to fix and organise again. I can't stand working at his pace!! I never have been able to it was one of our contentions. Oh, I've discovered a lot in this post! :-)

I'm thinking I should take TD's advice - do I want to be right or do I want to be happy, should I just go with the flow... the newspapers don't help at the moment panicking me about house prices. I don't look anymore!