To recap briefly my h and I have been together since September 2001, married for 2 years and separated since Oct 07. We had a crisis last summer, he had just recovered from his first severe bought of chronic bowel disease (that started on our honeymoon) and started a new job and has 'changed as a person and has nothing left to give'. I discovered a potential ea in May and he has since said that he no longer wants to work on the marriage and we had our first meeting on Wednesday where he has stated that he wants to sell the house.
New phase - selling the house and letting go a bit.
My feelings at the moment are that I think that I really want out of the house now too. We have some debts that could be cleared from the sale, I would have some money to start my life over and it is clear that the house is not something that will make him come back, he has to want to come back to me regardless of whether we have a house or not.
At the moment I am rattling around in a house with a fairly substantial garden that I don't have the time or inclination to maintain and it has no amenities near it and as I don't drive that is quite a problem for me. It is not near friends or family and I feel kind of on my own there, especially at weekends it is quite isolating. Am I just trying to claw onto something that is slipping away from me? I feel that as he wants to sell the longer I hold on the more it will push him away from me.
I am thinking that I will call him next week to say that if he wants to sell the house I will not stand in his way and how would he like to progress?
I have checked with a solicitor and we can just sell the house and agree on the terms between ourselves and if we want, draw up a deed of separation. The house itself doesn't mean much to me, what it represents does and it doesn't look like I am going to get that back anytime soon.
Selling the house doesn't mean that I am closing the door, so long as I can keep it amicable. I wish he wasn't making me do this but I don't see that I can really make a difference other than trying to rebuild my life. I plan to rent for a while to work out what I want to do. I don't think I will get much money from the house but at least it'll be something to help me start again. That's if the house even sells, the market is really bad where we are at the moment.
I want to let out a huge sigh, am I being defeatist or realistic?
No you are not being a defeatist. A house is a house ...it is not a home. Try this for a 180, call or text your H and say something like "I have been think...and selling the house would be a good idea...... and then list all the good points"
We sold our dream home (one I designed and built to our dreams) back in may and honestly I don't miss it. I recognize the differences in the houses and the definte down grade but I don't miss it. It is not the house, it is the people in it. When your H comes back home, it will not matter where that home is.
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
My h once said that the point when the keys to the house were handed over from the old owners was one of the happiest memories of our relationship. However he then spent many months stuck in that house in chronic agony so perhaps it doesn't hold great memories. Incidentally he also said the other happy memory was when he came back from his operation and I was there waiting for him.
Just stopping by to say hello. I don't think you're being defeatist at all. If you're OK to let the house go, I think you should do it (bearing in mind that when H comes to actually having to do it, he might drag his feet). I think you're totally right that having selling the house doesn't close the door on anything.
Absolutely not defeatist!! Just moving on to a different approach and different stage of life. keep your head up because you are doing great. Take it from me because i have moved more times then most people i know and it really is about you and the people around you not the house. you will make your own memories now and when he is ready he will join you. either way you are going to be ok. :o)
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
Try this for a 180, call or text your H and say something like "I have been think...and selling the house would be a good idea...... and then list all the good points"
This is a great idea, Julia. You might get a surprising reaction from him.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
I am feeling quite strange at the moment. I was so up for saving my marriage when I first started posting here, convinced that I would be able to turn things round. I have made progress in terms of me and am quite proud of myself but nothing seems to be happening on the h front. Going dark has just meant that it has been easier for him to detach. I thought the initial texts were a good sign but it turns out they were just because he was feeling pressured by his parents to move out and I think pressured to get things sorted asap so he would be happy. I am getting this from my friends and loved ones but am resisting to do what is right for me. I know that he will be hearing those messages and I can't do anything about it. He is clearly easily influenced as demonstrated by his workmates hold over him and need to fit in.
I worry that I am detaching too much. When we met on Wednesday there was nothing between us, really nothing. I didn't even like the guy sitting opposite me and yet he is my husband. He may as well be a stranger; I didn’t even feel that I would ever be attracted to this guy now. He didn't respond to my email thanking him for coming. Clearly contacting him doesn't work and not contacting him doesn't work either. I know time is supposed to be a good thing but I know my h and out of sight is out of mind.
I am also confused because I met up with an old friend (a guy) who was really lovely to me and has said that he likes me and wants to see more of me. This made me feel really good about myself and of course gave me a rush (ideas that he will be my saviour from this pain and my life will be happy ever after…). He put his arms around me and it was so nice to just be hugged again and have someone feel concern for me. Something my h hasn't given me for so long. Of course he isn't my h but I admit that I am attracted to him. I know this would be the wrong thing and really not healthy at the moment considering my vulnerable state. I’m not delusional I know the realities but it would be so nice not to live in reality for a little while. But how long am I supposed to keep going with when my h has made it more than clear he doesn’t want me anymore and now I feel I have betrayed my h. I feel really ashamed to admit this on the forum but I am confused by it.
It is my birthday next weekend and although I have made plans I am wondering whether my h is going to bother contacting me. I suppose the fact that I still care about this is a good sign that I am not as apathetic as I thought. I hate that June is now passing and still the only thing that has happened is that we are detaching/splitting from each other more.
Weekends are the hardest for me, I wonder if my h even thinks about me anymore in terms of how i feel about him. That I miss him and weekends are no fun without him. I used to live for the weekends and now I dread them even if I am busy.
I'm going to have a think about the positives about selling the house and the conversation I will have with my h about it this week - if he answers the phone to me.
Sorry you're feeling a bit ambivalent today. The weekends are hard, I agree. I guess it might be worth giving things a few weeks yet before you make a hard and fast decision one way or another. Would you agree? If you still feel the same in a months time, you can re-evaluate and choose a path forward.....
In terms of H answering the phone to you, I think that personally I wouldn't call. DB says to go to the LRT if you're S, which for now means don't contact him. Let him come to you. I know it's hard, but any calls you make to him are pressure at the moment, so you need to completely back off. He WILL call you. He just needs space. I think the same thing could explain why he didn't e-mail you back after your meeting this week.
When I first started here, I expected change very quickly, but in reality, effecting change when you're S takes time. For my H it was 4 months or so before I saw a real baby step (it was when I first started posting- although I'd been DBing for 4 months solid, since the S). And things got worse before they got better. I think many of the others would say the same thing to. Although I guess that's scant consolation.
