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Addie,

Eagle gave you great advice!! Just ask him & not accuse, that way he won't know you've been in his emails. He has to earn your trust for sure.

To me it sounds like the OW is the fall back & not you. If you were to stay things might be different but you can't trust him right now, if he is truely committed to your R then it will work out no matter how far away you are.

I do think he is still in MLC & he is trying to run, he feels the guilt!

Hang in there girl! You are doing great!!

(((HUGS)))

Thanks Eagle - Honesty is so very important to me as well and I've told H this many times, even just a couple of nights ago (before I knew he had been in contact with her). I told him I cannot live with lies and deception. All I got from him on this was silence.

I'm moving in a couple of days. I'm not sure how I'll handle everything but I'm thinking I may tell H that we both need to take time with no contact and then go completely dark for a period of time. He can call S and S can call him but other than major issues, I don't think I want to communicate with H on a daily basis.

Addie,

Sounds like a great plan. It will give you time to work on you and to be you and S as a family. I really believe that this is all about letting go. I feel so much better since I dropped the rope and let go. I still don't want the D and am DBing but am focused on my new family of 3 w/o WAS. You now have the time and distance to grow and be strong w/o your H. Whatever happens it will be better than what you have now.


Too bad you are not moving here. I would buy you and S a nice dinner.

Take Care

Nlt and Eagle, thanks for the feedback.

It really doesn't matter who the fall back plan is. What matters to me is that H has continued to contact OW. It is him initiating contact and wanting a R with her. The one thing I need the most in a R is honesty which eventually leads to trust and I don't have that. That is one thing I'm not willing to settle on. I won't confront H but if he continues contact with OW I am prepared to let go and move on.
I KNOW that once S and I are gone, H will miss us tremendously and may even start to make plans to move. Yesterday I saw a job posting that he printed off for a position near our hometown. The negative - it is similar to what he was doing before with which he was unhappy.

Eagle - thanks for the offer of a nice dinner. Sounds great, even if we are thousands of miles away.

Hey addie,

I am sorry for what you found out. I am not sure what to advise you though. He sounds... weak, scared, confused? Tell me something, did you trust him BEFORE you found out about H contacting her? Obviously NOt since you snooped (BTW, how do you do that, I want to, too). So, what changed? Knowledge is power. You know I am not an easy person to please and I am 1000% for honesty and RESPECT but listen, it's TOO early for you to expect a 100% honest R with him still. I would say confront him and before you leave just tell him you love him more than anyone ever will BUT you can't have that BS anymore. Tell him AGAIN she should be out of the picture and that that is a deal breaker for you (assuming it is). SHOW him which path to take.

I don't know if I am making sense but I feel you are so close it's a shame...
K

((((Addie))))

I too think that you should ask him if he's had any contact with her. He may surprise you and say he has but I would doubt that he'd be honest enough to say what the contact was regarding.

Hang in there.. this move back to hometown sounds like it is coming at a good time for you. I think it will allow you the space you need to grow strong again.

Hugs,
W2G

(((((((((Addie)))))))),

I'm so sorry! Once again I agree with Eagle, ask him and listen (and watch) what he has to say.
Don't overanalize his actions, he's still in a fog. I'm going to reread YellowRose's thread, I think you should do the same. I remember that closer to the end (Happy End!)it was getting more and more like been tossed into the spin cycle of a washing machine rather than rollercoaster.

Hang in there, Addie!

I'm off to bed, talk to you tomorrow, (((((hugs))))).

Kalni, W2G and Stella thanks for your thoughts.

I'm not yet sure how I'll "confront" H. So far I've been acting as if and he's been very warm and caring, physically/emotionally affectionate But maybe that's becuse OW is out of town doing field work until August and she told him they would talk then (she did tell him it's over between them, he's the one seeking her out).
Obviously if I do confront H I'm not going to tell him about the emails I saw, just ask him if he's contacted her and tell him I "sense" that he's still not over her (or something like that).

Kalni - you're probably right that it's still too soon to expect 100% honesty at this point and I guess he's still going through withdrawal. But he's telling her that it was never just a fling for him, he thought it was real, he'll never meet anyone else who is so passionate about their field just like him, stimulating conversationalist, highly intelligent, etc. Meanwhile he tells me even just recently that he never saw that relationship as long-term, she's not a step mother figure for S, very high maintenance person, etc.

Kalni - in answer to your question: I've been able to figure out his passwords, that's how I've snooped. Certainly I'm not proud of it and you can't have real trust doing this but I'm one that wants to know what's going on. I want to base my decisions on "the truth".

Addie,

Dinner is in Michigan. I don't know where you are moving to or from but I owe you at least that for all your support.

The snooping thing can be addictive. I've stopped and feel better. In your sitch please limit it so you are not dwelling on it. Check once a week or something.

Good Luck on the move.

Hey Eagle,

I'll be moving a lot closer than you realize but in Canada.

I agree with the snooping thing. I was fine after we S but now that he's back I feel I need the truth.

I did confront in a very calm manner and he lied. I asked him if he'd been in contact with her face to face, phone calls or emails and he said no I haven't seen her and no calls but avoided answering the email part. I told him I cannot settle on the honesty bit - I need that in a M. He was very quiet, avoiding eye contact. I told him I sensed that he wasn't over HER yet. He didn't say much. Based on what he said/didn't say, I told H that it would be best to have limited contact for a period of time once I move back so that we both can sort through things.

I probably won't be back on the site until Monday. Thanks everyone for all your support.